Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Another one bites the dust.

I'll choose not to remember that Eric Hinske hit only .204 in 07 here in Boston but I will remember the guy that broke his face on the Fenway ground making a beyond sick catch that a man his size had no business even attempting to make. That right there is the aftermath of that catch. A heap of Hinske waiting for Pedroia to come over with the smelling salt to revive him and let him now that just a few years ago he was ROY.

Hinske was traded to the Yanks today for 2 minor leaguers. He joins the cast of seemingly millions that win with the Sox and then take a career nose dive into crapsville, aka the Bronx. Thanks for the catch Hinny and make sure to stay around .204 in NY.

Old Man River

That right there in fact is an x-ray of Mike Lowell's hip*. As you can see, it hurts. My theory on how the pain made its comeback is that with Lester just being on such a tear, kicking things in the nuts left and right, Mr. Lowell was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, dislodging all nuts and hips in the process. Between Lester toying with the O's hitters and Drew nearly going for the cycle, last night was a good ol beat down that the boys needed. Sure it was only 4-0, but the game always seemed about as close as I am to getting that date with Jessica Biel.

Also, check out this little blog do-hickey by Terence Moore about how the false notion that is Red Sox Nation will soon be coming to an end. Who is Terence Moore you ask? Well, according to his ending credits, "He is a frequent panelist on "Rome Is Burning"..." So judging from his previous working experience, he's a hack.

*That in fact is not an x-ray of Mike Lowell's hip. It may not even be a hip. I'm not a doctor so I can't confirm what it is

Monday, June 29, 2009

Yeah, she'll do

Annnnnd it's over. Finally. No more of this craziness of Lester with a bat in his hand or Masterson taking BP or replacing Okijima with Baldelli and then double switching Baldelli with the one armed man. Now on to more important things like going to Fenway South and messing up the O's and padding the Sox lead atop the AL East. I fully expect the rain to stop now that interleague is over but mother nature continues to bitch slap us with this constant downpour.

This weekend Summer Catch AND Out Cold were on tv and those are 2 of those movies that it doesn't matter that I have them on DVD just sitting a few inches from the DVD player, when they are on tv I watch them. In the case of Out Cold I watch it and get upset because they bleep out all the good stuff. The worst movie of all time for bleeping, or at least the worst bleep job, is by far Major League, namely the end scene where Wild Thing needs to strike out that Yankee asshat and Corbin comes over to him and his mouth starts moving like he's in a Jackie Chan flick. Any opinions on the worst bleep job?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Just one more

Today marks the end of interleague play. Thank effing Christ. With a win, the Sox can finish 12-6, with a loss 11-7. It's nothing to complain about but personally I can't wait til they start playing some "normal" games again. Something about interleague play just irks me. Maybe I'm just jealous that the NL has so many opportunities to do all those cool double switches. I bet D.O., Remy and Eck would hate it because a the end of the game their score cards would read like some old Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Brad "I get hot chicks" Penny toes the rubber (that's baseball terminology 101 for you there) today. See what the Braves throw at the boys today but with another rainy day up here in New England we're staring a sweep right in the mug and I like the odds.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Electrified Fooling Machine

Today the Braves couldn't hit Wake's knuckler with an electrified knuckler hitting machine. In the sweaty, sweaty south Wake had enough dollar bills to keep that thing dancing all day long. As for offense, well, sometimes all you need is one and that's what they got. So there. Wake's never made the All-Star team but 10 wins this year ties him for the Major League lead. His ERA is never going to be anything to be jealous of but the guy has done everything ever asked of him over his career and while he seems ageless this may be the year we need to get him in there.

Beckett kills stuff

Evidence above. That deer buck dead thing might as well be the Braves because Joshua Patrick Beckett has not faked the funk on a nasty dunk against The Red Sox rivals this year. 2 games, 16 innings, 0 ER and 2 wins. The biggest thing though is that those 2 games, 1 has been after a Dice K crap-fest, and the second one came after the Nation had their collective under wear in a nasty bunch after The Professor failed to perform exactly like everyone expected. JPB should retire his number and just put a stop sign on his back instead.

Sure there's still more interleague this weekend (and on FOX today of all places) but you know what that's alright because when I woke this morning it wasn't raining out. Great day already.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Natural Rivals

So according to the big book of baseball rules, every team has a "natural rival" who they consequently play when the time is right. The Sox draw the Braves as their designated "rivals". Why, you ask? Because the Braves used to play in Boston. The motive clearly being pure nostalgia. I know the Sox were trying to play the odds against the Nats, but how they missed scheduling a Smoltz debut in Atlanta is beyond me.

Not sure who my natural rival is, but I'm sure he looks like White Goodman.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Jacko on his backo... for good

Michael Jackson died today, continuing 2009's theme of being the "best year for celebrities to kick the bucket".  Sources say that the cause of death is not immediately known, however here at the Cheese, we're pretty sure he finally saw this video and died immediately.

I have no idea how to connect the passing of whacko Jacko to the Sox or baseball in general.  Though we have heard rumors that in his Oakland days, Eck would dress up like a zombie and reenact the Thriller video just to f*ck with Canseco.

The professor returns

John Smoltz, aka the professor, threw more like that professor than the one we all hopefully envisioned. After his back fired experiment titled "The first inning that effed us all" he bounced back pretty well for the next 4. Don't read into, he's washed up, first start jitters, he hates gays, blah blah I'm not listening to it unless they're talking about Jessica Biel playing Ginger in the imminent Gilligans Island remake. Hell, Hollywood has resurrected everything else under the sun so why stop now? Personally, I draw the line at this. I swear to all things Youkilis if they ever make a Back to the Future remake I will hang up my hover board for good.

His teeth are made of wool...

Nick Green would disagree. He almost got shishkabobbed last night by Elijah "I could just kill a man" Dukes. Didn't Greeny (as Tito would call him) shatter a bat a few weeks ago and have the bloody remains of it smeared all over his uni? Dude's a bat magnet. I mean that in the straightest way possible. You know. The vampire way.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Natty Lite Park makes us wonder: Was RFK that bad?

Now I'm no interior designer, nor do I have what most people call "taste", so I would never try to decorate a room or anything like that. However, who in the name of Yastrzemski chose to put whatever kind of cheap flagstone down on the wall behind the plate at Natty Lite Park? It looks like something I would do my walkway with or it almost looks like the shower backdrop of a cheap porno. One of the less classy ones at least.

Lester looked strong last night. Now that Crapshoot is out of the starting 5 they could string together a few good ones here before the AS break. Lester seems like he will soon be adding to the list of things he's kicked in the nuts.

Tell us what you really think.

I know this quote is from earlier in the year, but how often are the Sox going to be playing the Nats.

"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavárez said on Sunday. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."

When no team is willing to sign you and you're destined to middle relief and mop up roles I'd say Tavarez is more of the 600 pounder now. It's ok T, you'll always have Manny.


Its late June, and the baseball season is in full swing. Sox are winning some ballgames, and by all accounts, it should feel like summer. But it doesn't. Its miserable out. ALL. THE. TIME. The mid-summer classic does not feel around the corner. So to combat this perpetual grayness, we have to summon the powers of the 90's rap scene. Will, Jazz, let 'em know, yo.

Welcome to the broadcast... from the moon!

Not only does National Stadium (I'm not going to look it up) look like a minor league park with the tacky stone behind the plate (not to be confused with the classic brick at Wrigs) but they somehow commandeered a space shuttle to broadcast the games. This picture, like every picture I take, doesn't do it much justice, but watching the game it seems like the cameraman in charge of the OF shots is hovering somewhere up around Nebula 5 while shooting. For those not in the know, Nebula 5 is pretty damn far away from Washington DC.

Also add Natty Park (told you I wouldn't look it up) to the list of stadiums taken over by the roaming Red Sox nation.

Last note: Washington's bullpen does not play baseball well.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ed McMahon, RIP

Ed McMahon died today, and what kind of obscure blog would we be if we didn't honor him without mentioning an equally obscure moment in his career?  If it weren't for YouTube this material would be stashed away on some shelf in Hollywood:

and of course, the best impression of Ed by the great Phil Hartman:

Notes from tonight's shitstorm/ baseball game

Observations from afar:

Julian Tavarez is terrifying even when he's playing for the DC Jennifer Lopezs.

John Kerry has a giant noggin.  Don Orsillo was inexplicably constipated while Kerry was in the booth.

Brad Penny looks even fatter with a bat in his hand.

A picture of Gwen Stefani

Because its far better than watching Sox-Nationals.

I want the Expos back

Major League Baseball hated the Expos. Refer to the strike shortened season of 1994 in which the Expos were 74-40 when the season ended on August 12th. They were on pace to win over 200 games that year. (or just around 100, my math could be off). It was their best season since 1981 which "coincidentally" was shortened by a strike and they set up some kind of freaky split season schedule with dual playoffs and magic beansprouts or some other fantasy world stuff that meant the lowly Expos were again playing not to win the WS trophy but a "Thanks for playing in our fake season" participation ribbon of some sort. For the next 10 years the Expos constantly finished last in the NL North (The division Selig created for them). No one seemed to notice that half their games didn't count in the other NL division standings and that the other half were played against the Harlem Globetrotters. In 2004 Selig was forced to move the team to DC and weakly rename them The Nationals. This then coined the now popular term, "No matter how much you polish a turd, or where you move the Expos to, it's still a turd."

Since 04 the Nats have won about 37 games total, most of them against the Yankees last week. This year they had a guy hit in a bunch of games in a row, drafted some kid they're going to have to pay twice their payroll just to get his attention and now people are already talking about them drafting some 16 year old kid next year with the first pick when they inevitably finish last again. I hope everyone can control their excitement for the next 3 days because I am just beaming.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Hey F*ckface

Before this country was ass deep in a recession things used to be worth something. Things like baseball cards. The reason I know they were worth something? Because I busted my butt every day of the summer mowing lawns and stealing the paper boy's tip money to buy enough baseball cards to build a flimsy cardboard mansion. Of course if you wanted to know what the cards were worth you had to buy a beckett. The beckett really. In my circle of friends the word beckett was more used than "your motha" or "psych", or the phrase "I did your motha', psych!!!". Such innocent times. Then there were the mother of all finds when you opened a pack. The error card. Topps must have been employing glue huffing retarded monkeys at the height of their world dominance in 1988 because there is no other way to explain Cal Ripken wearing a cap with a backwards Orioles logo or Wade Boggs donning a Yankee uniform. (The truth hurts). Now a days we could chalk it up to photo shopping, but back then they didn't have photos or shops in which they could photo-shop things. So how the hell did it happen? A million cards printed correctly and you get a few wrong? I'm not sure, but props to the few jerks that messed with those precious cards every year before they are released.
Also, that Billy Rip card is NOT a photo shop. Check it.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Riddler

If anyone every says "Man, good thing Timmay is pitching today because we always know what we get with ol Timmay." then you should probably just walk away before it gets ugly. Actually, you should also kick that person square in the pills for jinxing the upcoming game. Anyways, I love Timmy. We all do. How can you not like the guy? Especially after that recent 'pass the potato salad' spot on NESN. Genius. The one thing ol Timmy is not, is predictable. From one to the next, his starts are comparable to that of a turrets attack. That's because the knuckle ball is like bringing a 3 year old to a funeral. You can control it most of time, take it out and impress people with the marvel that is the knuckling 3 year old, but when you really need it to shine the f*&cking thing won't stop moving all over the place. Then everyone's dead. That's what happens when the knuckler moves. Everyone ends up hurt.

Another off day today. I'm sure that means something totally baseball irrelevant coming up on here. I can't wait.

Lets celebrate the good times. All 500 of them.

Last week the Sox attained their 500th consecutive sellout at Fenway.  A truly amazing achievement, considering that the Sox used to try and draw crowds with  the likes of Jeff Frye at second base.
Anyways, as we all know, baseball is a game of numbers, and surely there were many other plateaus reached this season that were not celebrated.  The Cheese investigates:

Terry Francona steals a total of $500 of Jacoby Ellsbury's lunch money.
- while he's at bat, in the field, in the clubhouse.  One of the perks of being the boss.  This is an especially tough milestone to reach given that Jacoby's daily lunch allowance is only 50 cents.

Julio Lugo gets mentioned in the same sentence as Rizzo the Rat for the 500th time.
- for obvious reasons, and not because Julio likes pizza.

Kevin Youkilis's socks cause the clubhouse sprinklers to be set off for the 500th time.
- pales in comparison to his mark of 1,208 record while at the University of Cincinnati.

Dustin Pedroia beats Mike Tyson Punch-Out on 500 consecutive tries.
-the parallels between Little Mac and the reigning MVP are uncanny.

Brad Penny dresses up like an urban cowboy for the 500th straight day.
- a streak that stretches back to his days in LA.  John Travolta would be proud.

Josh Beckett, the magician

Litte did we know that not only can Josh Beckett shut down an NL squad with ease, but he can also set a baseball into flames as demonstrated above.  It is unclear whether Drew Barrymore taught him this trick.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Hello D-Lowe my old friend

Tonight will be a "sell-out" just like every other night for the last 5 years or whatever, but chances are tonight they could sell the park out with just the mother/daughter pairs that D-Lowe "charmed" during his tenure here. I think just about everyone in Boston will welcome him back, especially after that opening day in 05 when he flew back to Boston to collect his ring while he was on the Dodgers. I'm sure he didn't leave Boston empty handed that day seeing as for a good year after the Sox won it all in 04 any player had Red Sox female fans on demand. Of course this is just me speculating the dedication of the average female fan, but I know if the women of the Boston Militia took it all home then I'd have no choice but to obey to their hopefully dirty wishes. And yes, Boston has a women's football team.

I'm definitely a fan of Beckett pitching after Dice K in the rotation (for now) because when he brings it, it gets bringed big time and it can make you forget all about the night before. I don't see myself moving from this couch for quite some time considering I have 30 pounds of ribs and a few deep fried Oreos burrowing away in my stomach. May the rain hold off long enough to see D-Lowe get beat back to Atlanta.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Yuck... ugh... blargh... ahh f*ck it.

It can get worse. It got worse. 6 runs in 4 innings and that could have been a lot worse. The only thing that can heal the wounds of another beating like that is ribs. More ribs than you have ever seen in your life. Where do the magic rib providing animals lay down for such a slaughter you may ask? Here. Ribby rib rib ribs oh my God the ribs. They will fill the hole that Captain Crapshoot left in our souls tonight. They will also make you 72% more attractive to the opposite sex and they're working on a cure for death. That's right, death, and that's right, ribs. The food that true men eat when eating needs to be done. The entire Cheese staff (approximately 18 of us) will be there shooting for that elusive first heart attack. Rain or shine, see you there.

Jonathan Papelbon's Angry Whiskey

Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey

When you think of Jonathan Papelbon what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Closer? Intimidation? Paper Candy? Well if he had anything to say about that the first thing would be Angry Whiskey. The only way to throw like a pro is to drink like one and with Jonathan Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey you’ll be stammering down Newbury Street and wandering into BU dorms like Derek Lowe after giving up a 4 run lead. With what the FDA is currently referring to as “slightly” more than the legal allowable limit of ethanol and extracted moose testosterone in every bottle, Pap’s Angry Whiskey packs a punch that he guarantees you’ve never felt before. Kevin Millar had this to say about Pap’s Angry Whiskey: “F*CK YEAH!”. Professional athletes and degenerate drunks with $12.95 to spare both agree that Jonathan Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey is their whiskey of choice when the top shelf stuff is gone.

Whiskey makes a man angry. Papelbon's Angry Whiskey makes a man dangerous.

Doctor’s Advisory: Women who are pregnant or who are ever planning on being pregnant should not consume Jonathan Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey as there is an 87% chance said child will be born with flippers and/or “undesirable” appendages. Women who have had a child in the last 8 months to 12 years should not consume JPAW due to the backwards time traveling monsters that may incur in your dreams and become reality like Freddy. After consumption of JPAW you should not do the following: urinate near an open flame, urinate near a closed flame, consume water for 4 hours as it has a negative reaction to the extracted moose testosterone, be alone for an extended period of time, go to sleep or walk backwards.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Starting for the Marlins tonight...

The Florida Marlins front office requires that their starting pitchers be at least freakishly tall but at the same time they do not discriminate against being only slightly freakishly tall. Volstad (Tuesday night) is listed at 6'8". Andrew Miller (Wednesday night) is 6'6". Ricky No-so-tall-sco is the circus midget of the staff at 6'2". Are the Marlins really that bad now that they are now signing players strictly based on whether or not they can walk through a doorway without ducking? Bunch of freaks. I'm surprised Randy Johnson didn't go to Florida just to be around his fellow ogre sized friends. Sweet fancy jesus I just did what I like to call "research" and found out that every starting pitcher on the Marlins is over 6'0". Two giants at 6'8" and a few other giraffes at 6'7". Judging by their performance against the Sox so far, height don't mean sh*t in baseball. Gotta love the innocence and purity that is inter-league play... especially when the Sox get to play against the NL East.

Its Hump Day... time to make fun of Joe Morgan.

Remember when Joe Morgan wasn't crazy? Nah, me neither. And while I missed another splendid ESPN Sunday night broadcast, Deadspin was kind enough to catch this gem. *

Of course, we've always known he just makes stuff up in the course of the game. But superimposing himself in baseball history is a new one, even for Joe.

* Being the baseball nerds that we are, we put the Educated Cheese staff to work to double check Joe's miscue (which entails one of us on a rigorous Baseball Reference mission). Sure enough, Don Wilson pitched a no-hitter in 1967, as Deadspin linked.  And Joe was no where to be found (unless he was the batboy that day, and Joe considered that playing second base).  And just so we covered all our bases (baseball puns, very intended), Don Wilson also pitched a no hitter in 1969, one in which Joe was present at 2nd base.  However, if Joe were to be correct, Hank Aaron would have had to have been playing for the opposing Cincinnati Reds that day for his story to check out.

Holy crap, I just spent 20 minutes checking facts on a Joe Morgan story.  Someone punch me.

Are you going to tell this guy he can’t pitch every 5 days?

I wouldn’t want to draw the short straw between Tito and Farrell and have to talk to Josh “intense is my middle name no I lied its Patrick” Beckett. First off you don’t tell Josh Beckett anything. You attempt to explain the situation and hope he leaves your office calmly as possible and not with one of your limbs between his teeth. This guy lives to pitch and as much of a team player as he is and has shown, he doesn’t want anyone else stepping in and messing with his vibe.

The illustrious 6-man rotation, only to be outdone by the ever so popular closer by committee, that as Sox fans, we laugh at every time another team speaks of the experiment. Why doesn’t baseball have the 6 man rotation? Each starter could throw more with one more day of rest. If you got em, smoke em, right? Why don't teams embrace it? Why didn't Marty just go back to 1955 and bang his mom and hope for the best? Who knows. Supposedly the 6-man would only be til the All-Star break, which is a little less than a month away. All I know is that if Tity is sitting on the bench with a black eye and his arm in a sling on the day Becks was scheduled to pitch I'm not going to buy the "fall down the stairs" routine.

It doesn't hurt to have Flash on your team

It's almost unfair. Jacoby gets on base and you could see that triple-A guy the Marlins had starting last night was sweating it out. Throws over 3 times in a row, which was a good move seeing as Jacoby's lead was halfway to second base, and then the first pitch he throws to the plate Tacoby Bellsbury is already standing on second waiting for another round of free tacos . He did that twice last night and it's great to see Ells toy with pitchers and catchers like that. This is what pitchers must have felt when Rickey Henderson was on first, besides that whole fact that pitchers were honestly scared of Rickey because he talked about himself in the 3rd person all the time. Leave your favorite Rickey quote in the comment section. It's ok, it's anonomyous, your secret identity is safe with us.

Also, Big Papi continues to turn us all back into believers. Not that any of us lost the faith? Right? RIGHT?!? Well the big guy is starting to turn it around and with the, umm, less than hard schedule coming up before the All-Star break this could be a good time to get the serious mojo working.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Your neighbors are going to be so jealous.

More videos.  This time the hilarious FIOS guy.  I laugh every time.  Thank you, Comcast.  You are true advertising wizards.  Apparently this is what I pay $100+/month for.

The other Ramirez comes back

Hanley is back at the Fens for the first time since being traded in that deal where the Sox got Josh “I eat human flesh for the flavor” Beckett and Mikey “Call me Mikey” Lowell. Granted Ramirez only had something like 2 ABs in ’05 before he was shipped out but he was supposedly the second coming of Jesus H Garciapara according to those that poured over the farm system (and apparently they were right on). Then there was that time when everyone was afraid the Sox got shafted because we all thought Lowell was going to pull a Tony Clark and play two games, instantly fall into a wheel chair and then subsequently get pushed onto 93 in said wheel chair by some over crazed fans. Glad he turned it around and while I don’t think the Sox can complain about the WS title they got in 07 with great help from Lowell and the soul stealing Beckett, since H-Ram has been gone there’s been that whole revolving door at short stop thing going on which everyone likes to b*tch about. Well tonight we get to see what may have been, then if you’re lucky or wanting to kill mass amounts of brain cells beyond what beer/drugs/a blunt object is capable of, you can listen to every radio station debate whether he should have ever been traded. Just to add a little bit to that, the trade took place during those odd days when Theo was in Egypt exploring the ancient tombs of King Dustypants or doing whatever it was he was doing. Oh the humanity.

Wake on the mound tonight and we'll have to see how the knuckler floats. Expect some salad tonight. Lots of salad.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Fight Night at the Cheese

Since its an off night for the Sox, we've got to turn to the nerd box for our baseball fill.  Being the purveyor of top ten lists through the years, ESPN has a good one from their archives for us... top nine baseball fights (no clue why it starts at 9).  So without further ado, and since this site is powered by strong doses of 'nothing else better to do', away we go!... (Also, coincidently enough, I'm watching Rocky Balboa of FX right now.  good flick.)

#9- Dave Winfield charges the mound
If Dave Winfield came at me with bat in hand, I'd sh*t myself a house.

#8- Mo Vaughn to the rescue
At first you're going to get swept up in the nostalgia of seeing Mo Vaughn in his glory days.  But don't let that blind you to the sweet dodge Aaron Sele makes on George Bell's punch, which promptly sends him into the clumsy arms of Mo.

#7- Mike Sweeney flings hemlet
Sweeney played in KC for a long time.  And inevitably, when you're exposed to that much sh*tty baseball, you're bound to throw a helmet at someone.

#6- Did Chan Ho Park try to bicycle kick that guy?
Chan Ho Park is worse at pitching than he is at kicking.  but its close.

#5- Pedro plunks Gerald Williams
According to his reaction, that pitch helped Gerald rediscover his left hand.  Unfortunately, Gerald hated his left hand and he took it out on Pedro.

#4- Izzy goes crazy.
Legendary.  We can't underestimate what playing baseball in a sh*tty city like Pawtucket will do to the human psyche.  Kicking the catcher was awesome in itself, but challenging the entire team on the mound speaks even greater of Izzy's fighting prowess.

#3- Orioles-Yankees.  Remember when that matchup mattered?
If you've got a ball in your hand, and Tino Martinez is at the plate, you're throwing the ball at him.  Doesn't even matter if you don't want to... thats where the ball is going.  Because he's a d*uchebag, and the laws of physics state that baseballs gravitate towards d*uchebags.

#2- Campaneris throws bat
When someone throws a bat at you in retaliation, there's one of two instinctual reactions: 1) Duck, as Lagrow wisely did, or 2) Let it hit you, curl up in the fetal position, and cry until the mean bat-throwing man is escorted from the park in a paddy wagon.  That is, if you're still conscious.

#1- Nolan Ryan takes Robin Ventura to the woodshed
Nolan Ryan is my favorite pitcher of all-time.  Putting Ventura in a headlock would have been enough for me to give him that honor, but then he piled on historic numbers and being generally terrifying on the hill for over 25 years.  He only won one world series (with the '69 Mets), but reportedly thats because the world series trophy was afraid of him.

Now back to real fighting.  Rocky vs. Mason Dixon.

Introducing the Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer.

Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer

When it comes to the ladies they notice one thing and one thing only. The big, bad quads. It's all about the quads and no one knows that better than Red Sox starting catcher Jason Varitek. Jason's off season workout used to include chopping down hundred year old oak trees and ripping out 20-30 sets of squats (Bulgarian, front AND pistol) and then whittling down the humiliated pieces of timber for a sweet new 36" bat. Once the WWF (think Pandas and trees, not Sgt Slaughter and cage matches) and EPA got wind of 'Teks unique workout regime they had to step in and save what was remaining of Yellowstone Park and its inhabitants. Jason was lost. How could he lead the Boston Red Sox to another world series without his quads at maximum pump? Then 'Tek had an idea. He went down to his basement where he has your typical home oxy-acetylene welding set up and started tinkering with some titanium golf clubs he had laying around. Two hours later he emerged with the Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer (patent pending) crafted from the finest titanium alloy the common man can get his hands on. Some say it looks like The Thighmaster, popularized by that blonde slut on that show where the dude was supposed to be gay but he wasn't. Some say it really is the same exact thing except painted a steel-ish color. His neighbor actually filed a police report claiming his Thighmaster was stolen 2 days before Jason applied for the patent. Regardless, 'Tek would beg to differ. While he hasn't replied to or been cleared to talk about most of the pending lawsuits, Jason remains optimistic that some day soon he'll be able to spread his wealth of quad growability knowledge to those willing to learn.
The Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer is available in 3 varying levels of strength: Ox, mutant ox and 'Tek strength. Don't be fooled by imitators such as Brad Penny's Leg Sexersizer or the controversial Papelbon Bon-Bon Tightener, the Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer WILL give you the quads you've been dreaming of.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


Today Beckett and the rest of the Sox pitching staff were about as impressive as those douche bags in college that would plaster empty 30 rack boxes of Natty Lite all over their dorm rooms. Despite how stupid it is, someone found it cool and today those someones were the very same Philly fans that probably posed for those stupid Southwest commercial that WOULD RUN NON STOP last year. Remember, "cheese-steak, cheese-steak, liberty bell" . Of course you remember. So the fellas go 5-1 in 6 games against 2 of the best teams in baseball, personally I'm thinking that's a pretty good stretch and while I never look forward to an off day I think the players do. Tek can get some extra squats in to get those quads pumping, Youk can will his beard to grow another 2 inches in the next 48 hours and I'm pretty sure Bay still has some immigration papers he needs to work out before some anonymous source from NY makes a call to the Feds.

This one was pure mojo

When Julio Lugo (yes, THE Julio Lugo) goes 4-5 and almost doubles his RBI total for the year in one game something has to be going on and that something is some serious mojo. Of course Cappy Crapshoot can't seem to channel any of that sh*t for himself but a win is a win against the defending champs. The Phills definitely helped out by stumbling all over themselves in the first inning but honestly that was just the mojo seeping across the field into their dugout and making them incapable of performing simple baseball tasks. The jo' is some serious stuff.

The only thing that can help me make it through a rainy Sunday afternoon where I'm suffering from a major Dice K hangover is the thought that the boys get to go for their second straight sweep today with Joshua Patrick Beckett toeing the rubber and JPB is sure to bring his nastiest cheddar when the time calls for it. Hopefully the rain Gods let this one happen beacuse tomorrow is an off day and then the inter"almost real baseball" league play continues back in Boston Tuesday against the Marlins.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Is this the guy we all wanted?

The Yanks stopped the bleeding last night (barely) by winning on a dropped pop-up in the bottom of the 9th and Marky T got about as excited as anyone with the proper amount of chromosomes (we assume) can get.

Tonight the Sox send Captain Crapshoot out to the mound for either a walk fest, a hit fest or a knife fight with a monkey. Personally, I'd rather see the monkey fight but maybe Dice K can fight back the wildness and last more than 5 1/3... against the defending world champs. I'm still riding the mojo of the last 4 games so I say anything is possible. Bonzai motha f*ckers.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Inter-sport Imposters

Folks, I think its clear that we've got some athletes who are moonlighting in the major leagues during their respective off-seasons.

Sox kicked off their tour of the minor league circuit (otherwise known as the National League) with a pretty extra inning 'W' in the city of Brotherly Love. As Jonny noted, Eck didnt make the trip to Philly, and we were unfortunately spared the "educated cream cheese" line. HIYO! I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

oh, and Coco got schooled by birds last night...

I'm Eckless and it hurts

I tuned in to a little bit of the pre-game show and saw Roberts in the booth with DO for a second but I didn't think too much of it. "Eck's probably just trimmin' his stache or researching different types of cheese to totally blow our minds tonight." I thought. 4 hours later it's the bottom of the millionth inning and the Sox aren't winning and I'm wondering who effed with the mojo. I know there have been petitions passed around to elect Dave Roberts prime minister of life and grant him exclusive rights to the city of Boston that Ben Affleck only dreams of, but he just doesn't bring it to the booth like Eck does.

On the good side of things Lester continued his total dominance over baseball with another 10+ K outting while teaching the National League you don't f*ck with our lefty. Youk was Youkin' with a solo shot and JD continued to only hit in the month of June with his own solo shot.

Bases loaded, 1 out, top of the 13th... see the comment section for the conclusion when it happens.

What could have been

Oh the things that could have been. This dynamite little picture here could have been plastered all over the world last year if the Rays didn't mess with destiny. This weekend we get our first look at the supposed champs of the world during inter"games that count but shouldn't because picthers shouldn't bat except in the world series"league play. Lester takes the mound tonight as he's coming off two dominate performances in a row, 1 MMA victory against Chuck Liddel and a record setting Jenga session in which managed to only leave the top 3 pieces reminaing. Needless to say, he's been on a roll so let's hope he keeps the good mojo kickin' and leaves the champs in the dust.

There is no "I" in team...

... but there is a "SweepTheMuthaFuckingYankeesBackToTheBronx" in team. There is, I spell checked. Like I mentioned yesterday, I LOVE BEATING THE YANKEES IN DIFFERENT WAYS and the only way left was a sweet ass come from behind sock it those bastards get the f*ck out of my town victory. This is exactly what my little league coached popped an eye-ball over all those years ago, team mother f*cking effort. I guess he taught me more than just how to scan the police radio frequencies to find out where a cool car wreck was so we could see a dead body at the age of 10.

On top of that, now it's Friday, the boys are rolling down to Philly to hand deliver some ass kickings to the defending world champs and everyone on this team has to be f*cking pumped beacuse nothing gets the mojo going like sweeping the bad guys to take over first.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Wang Banged

Yesterday while I was at work, working like I usually do and checking to see which Google Images of Jessica Biel I could look at without setting off the office firewall detection thing, I stumbled across something that said Kevin Youkilis was injury prone and they cited the DL stint this year and the few other freak things that happened to him and it got me thinking a bit. I wasn't really thinking if Youk was infact injury prone or not because I think that's a load of horse sh*t, but I instantly thought of that picture above and how a guy that eats baked beans straight out of a can AND publicizes it like that would totally f*ck someone up for doubting their battle wounds. Youk, I don't doubt your injuries and I don't doubt the fact that you're most likely sweating your ass off eating those beans and that you'll have a killer stain on that shirt in 5 seconds, but as Eck would say 'you gotta have that.'

I have to say I love seeing the Sox beat the Yankees in different ways. The shutout was awesome especially with Beckett and the 'pen just whooping asses all night long, but there's something to be said for the 1-run victory and getting Paps out there to end it with the tying run at the plate. Lowell and Youk both went deep and although Wake wasn't at his best it just showed that the Sox don't need their best to beat whatever former shell of Chein Ming Wang The Yanks are tossing out there every 5 days.

Tonight it's CC vs BB (Big Brad). Usually I'll take Penny in the cheeseburger eating contest, but I don't even think the odds are on him for that tonight. The Yanks are pissed and they want to come out of Boston with at least one win and nothing would be better than to bitch slap them around one more time before sending them packing til they meet again in August. I just hope Youk ate his beans.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

NFL Stadiums

Click on the image for larger version

Draft Profile: Reymond Fuentes

Ok, lets review what we know about the Red Sox 2009 #1 draft pick...
  • Name: Reymond Fuentes Jr.
  • Age: 18
  • Position: CF
  • School: Fernando Callejo High School, Puerto Rico
  • Height/ Weight: 6'0", 170 lbs.
  • Notable bloodlines: cousin of Carlos Beltran
  • Hobbies: before playing baseball, was part of an elite superhero clan that robbed from the poor and gave to the rich. Also, was the jockey for the 2009 Kentucky Derby winner.
  • Scouting report: Fuentes is a fundamentaly sound player who is known for his speed. In fact, while in high school, he would cheat on science tests by using his sheer speed to travel back in time to ask Einstein for the answers. Fuentes has also already sent harrassing phone calls to Jacoby Ellsbury that he's gunning for his job.

good kid. bright future.

also, a shout out to the illustrator of the indian on Reymond's baseball card. fine work.

It's pretty. It's soooo pretty.

I'm kind of ashamed to say in grade school I never learned that song that names all the states in the US. I know there are a few that start with "A", Massachusetts falls somewhere in the middle and from what I can recall there are none that begin with the letters "Q" or "Z". Something I did learn last night though is that Josh Beckett may or may not have been sent to us from the planet Zagbond with strict instructions on how to dismantle a $200 mil team of pretty boys. Becks was on last night and for the second time in a week he threw some serious cheese and painted the corners with what can only be described as a sexy hook, not to be confused with the type of hook some of you may be accustomed to. On top of all that Ortiz (can't call him Papi til he hits 5 HRs, sorry) put one away to dead center and got the crowd in the game early, not that they need an excuse to be drunk and rowdy during a Sox/Yanks game but some vintage Ortiz always helps the cause. Also last night I'm not sure if it was obvious to everyone, but Eck and Don had some serious chemistry kind of to the point where when they showed the shot of them in the booth I was almost sure one of them wouldn't have pants on. To hear D.O. and that wheezy laugh again makes my heart flutter just a little and then you combine that with a Sox pouncing of the Yanks and I slept like a little baby boy.
Tonight it's Wake vs Wang and the way both of them have pitched this year we can only be having happy thoughts right now.

MLB Stadiums

Guess the ballpark based on the aerial image. (Click the image to see the larger version.)

Go to the comments section for the answers.