Monday, June 15, 2009

Introducing the Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer.

Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer

When it comes to the ladies they notice one thing and one thing only. The big, bad quads. It's all about the quads and no one knows that better than Red Sox starting catcher Jason Varitek. Jason's off season workout used to include chopping down hundred year old oak trees and ripping out 20-30 sets of squats (Bulgarian, front AND pistol) and then whittling down the humiliated pieces of timber for a sweet new 36" bat. Once the WWF (think Pandas and trees, not Sgt Slaughter and cage matches) and EPA got wind of 'Teks unique workout regime they had to step in and save what was remaining of Yellowstone Park and its inhabitants. Jason was lost. How could he lead the Boston Red Sox to another world series without his quads at maximum pump? Then 'Tek had an idea. He went down to his basement where he has your typical home oxy-acetylene welding set up and started tinkering with some titanium golf clubs he had laying around. Two hours later he emerged with the Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer (patent pending) crafted from the finest titanium alloy the common man can get his hands on. Some say it looks like The Thighmaster, popularized by that blonde slut on that show where the dude was supposed to be gay but he wasn't. Some say it really is the same exact thing except painted a steel-ish color. His neighbor actually filed a police report claiming his Thighmaster was stolen 2 days before Jason applied for the patent. Regardless, 'Tek would beg to differ. While he hasn't replied to or been cleared to talk about most of the pending lawsuits, Jason remains optimistic that some day soon he'll be able to spread his wealth of quad growability knowledge to those willing to learn.
The Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer is available in 3 varying levels of strength: Ox, mutant ox and 'Tek strength. Don't be fooled by imitators such as Brad Penny's Leg Sexersizer or the controversial Papelbon Bon-Bon Tightener, the Jason Varitek Quad-er-sizer WILL give you the quads you've been dreaming of.


Anonymous said...

Okay, I laughed!!!

Steve said...

We're popular with alot of anonymous people.

Jon said...

I've always said it's the anonymous people in the world that we are trying to represent here.

Anonymous said...

But what of the *unanimous* folks out there?