Sunday, February 28, 2010

Talk about a sh*t eating grin

I give you Sir Marco Scutaro. I didn't bother to watch this actual interview where he looked directly at the camera and said "My sh*t? You must be kidding me. My sh*t, it does not stink. Roses my friend. The fresh aroma of roses." This is of course considering that Marco Scutaro is some smooth talking European romance artist that woos women with his sultry voice and quick witted quips about his travels through France with just a backpack and and a notebook. That's not how you picture Marco? My bad.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Another 'hey weather go eat it' post.

Hey weather, go eat it. Yet another storm and another power outrage for us lucky NH peeps. On top of all that baseball is still in that weird in-between stage where I want to be excited but watching guys play long toss and hit off a tee doesn't really get me all revved up like I want it to.

Also, I have a confession. I miss Manny. I know it's crazy but the stupid comments and empty threats that come out of nowhere, I miss that excitement. Come on Boof, give us some zaney comments that are worthy of your name. No? Fine, I'll go back to warming myself with a candle.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Dustin Pedroia: Not a Communist


Scene: The clubhouse at the player development complex.

Pedroia sees rookie shortstop Jose Iglesias across the aisle.

"Hey rookie," he says. "You're supposed to wear a jersey out there. I don't know how it is in Cuba with Fidel, but I'm running this joint."

Iglesias laughed.

"I'm serious," Pedroia said with a straight face before cracking up.

Its going to be a good summer.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I would hate being a baseball player

It would suck. Well the millions of dollars and fans and having the world at your command would be cool, but having to always be so politically correct when asked a question would kill me. For example: Mike Lowell answered some questions yesterday. You can bet one of those questions was something like:

Mike, how do you feel right now in your current position with the team?

And what does Lowell, who more or less has to hold his tongue, respond with?

...Yeah, it's not ideal.

Not ideal? Mr Lowell, you're a saint. Now what would I want to say in that position?

How do I feel? How the f*ck do you think I feel? I got traded, then un-traded because I had a frickin' hang nail on my thumb. Then I figure I'm going to be a Red Sox this year and these ass-hats sign a new 3B out of the blue. Now it's wait and see which teams wants to take a chance on the guy that the media has more less made out to have more medical problems than an episode of House. So how am I feeling? I'm feeling pretty god damn chipper right now thank you.

Lowell is too well balanced to say something like that, but remember, it's the quiet ones that make their statements by stabbing and shooting.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

And the fantasy football world comes to a grinding halt

100% totally irrelevant in baseball terms, but LDT and Brian Westbrook were both released from their respective teams today. Holy sh*t. My 2002-2006 fantasy football teams are all collectively spinning in their graves right now. However my 2006 team is spinning in its sweet gold plated championship winning grave thanks to Mr. Westbrook. I'm still kind of in shock. Annnnd now I'm over it. Wow.

Pitcher does indeed have a big butt

And Barry Bonds' cameo in Rookie of the Year looks like a Barry Bonds skeleton compared to the monster that he is now. Spring training is officially under way and my baseball juices are flowing so it was only natural to watch Henry Rowengartner throw a few pieces of high stinky cheese past Bobby Bonilla. Best baseball movie? It's hard to say. Any baseball movie that doesn't feature Freddie Prinze Jr. throwing a whizzing fastball deserves to be in a "best movie" category. But I digress. Ah yes, baseball. Swoon.

*After watching that scene a few times, Barry Bonds just has a f*cking huge head. I always thought it was the juice, but it looks like he is going to tip over with that melon attached to his toothpick body. It's like the inverse Pamela Anderson effect or something.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Angry Brothers

Ladies and Gentleman, the Cheese would like to introduce you to the newly reunited, Angry Brothers. These two are long lost brothers bound by their common outlandish and uncontrollable tempers. They're both from Texas, and these two were born to pitch together and compete for the angriest pitcher in baseball title. Lets take a look at their resumes:

The Incumbent - Josh Beckett:
We've seen it all from Josh. Tantrums. Tirades. Swearing. He's at his best when reporters ask him stupid questions. But we can't forget his well-documented knack for throwing at guys when he's bored. He's banged a numbers of hot chicks, so its still unclear what Josh is so angry about.

The Newcomer - John Lackey:
Slothey is best defined by his permanent angry jaw. Those gritting teeth. That psychotic stare from under his low brim. In general, he looks like a menacing dude even when he's being a gentle guy helping an old lady cross the street. He also likes to throw at guys for no reason, and one of his many hobbies includes storming off the mound.

We look forward to a summer of inexplicable outbursts and high blood pressure. Stay tuned for the many Mis-adventures of the Angry Brothers.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Pitchers and Catchers Report: This should be a national holiday

The kids are in Florida. The Cheese brought their camera...

Understanding that his playing time will be cut significantly this season, Tek learned how to levitate things in the offseason, you know, to keep himself busy on the bench. A skill that will come in handy when Lackey is looking for a water jug to tip over.

Tim Wakefield praying. or practicing karate. or praying that he knew karate so that he can defend himself when Beckett finds the "kick me" note taped to his back.

GQ's 'Awkward Pose Against a Fence by a General Manager' Award goes to... Theo Epstein!

Realizing that he is once again alienating the Red Sox fan base, Daisuke Matsuzaka got a head start by jogging back to Japan.

Tito: "Its been a few months, remind me again... who the hell are you guys?"

The annual tradition of baseball players pretending they're dragsters.

The annual tradition of pitchers pretending they're ballerinas.

The first Boof Bosner sighting. For some reason I thought he'd look more like a cartoon.

Youk's stink affects photography as well.

After becoming a free agent, John Lackey realized that he may need to do a little extra to make himself more appealing to prospective teams. So he installed a bionic arm.

Welcome back fellas.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

What Tiger really said yesterday.

We all watched or listened to or at least read some of the Tiger Woods confession/conscience clearing yesterday but a lot of what he said had an undertone that I'm guessing you didn't "get".

Good morning, and thank you for joining me.
Ok, that part is how it seems. As for the rest. I doubt it.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.
With disappointment comes change. A change that he eludes to next.

They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false.
Performance enhancing drugs, eh? Denying the use of them? This reeks of baseball to me.

I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be...
Then the camera blacked out and some things happened you might not realize. At this point Tiger was replaced with a Tiger-Bot that went on apologizing and finishing up his speech as the USGA planned, but Tiger had another idea. With a little hard work and some George Washingtons placed in the right people's hands I was able to obtain the actual remaining parts of the transcript and it reads like this:

"...although I don't know when the day I return to golf will be, I do know when I will return... to baseball. ::Pause for surprised looks and camera flashes:: Under the advising of some guys on this genius blog called "Educated Cheese" as of today I am officially a member of the Boston Red Sox. As you all know, I've been friends with Micheal Jordan for a long time and he also had a hand in this move. I feel I have accomplished everything in golf that I have set out to do, so it is time to change my mindset and get away from all the impurities that exist in golf and make the move to an honest, non-corrupt sport like baseball. Thank you for this opportunity and in closing, Yankees Suck."*

Wow. I was just as blown away as you are. Tiger coming to the Sox. Word is he plays all 3 OF positions. Finally, this team just got interesting.

You can probably decide for yourself how much of this is true.

Friday, February 19, 2010

This morning at spring training.

I have no clue how Spring Training is actually set up when it comes down to where the guys go at night to sleep but I'd like to think it's just like that scene in Major League where they all have to bunk up in a military style room on little single beds while Wake makes room for his golf clubs and at night Youk is snoring like a wild bore. Actually, I wish everything about this team was a little more like that fateful Indians team, or like "The Buzz" from Major League 2, or was that Major League 3? Regardless, this team needs some more character so here are a couple simple tips for some of the Sox guys to spice things up a bit.
  • Mike Cameron - Put out a rap album. He already has the cover with this picture here if they just photo shop some "gold teef" on this grill. Maybe it can be called "Center field: It's where I roam". I guess that sounds more like a hard rock album, but Cams can make it work.
  • Youk joins the WWE part time - The team uses Mondays a lot as travel days, so Youk can kind of moonlight as "Beardo" on Monday Night Raw and take on Hulk Hogan and Sgt Slaughter. Those guys still wrestle, right? Wow, a quick "Beardo" Google tells me that name is taken. Yet another golden idea spoiled by a homeless looking rocker.
  • Heidi Watney reports from her bedroom - I'm sorry. That's uncalled for. I need some baseball, pronto.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Long Overdue: A little about us

The other day someone actually profiled The Cheese and pointed out there was no "About us" page to give people some insight into the enigmas that are Steve (L) and Jon (R). So this is long overdue.

We are not writers. We have no writing credentials or books "in the works" and we can't supply you with transcripts from a credible liberal arts college proving we passed the English. What we do have is an odd sense of humor that we (and sometimes only the two of us) find funny and we've gone and imposed our funny upon you, the fine readers of The Educated Cheese.

The Cheese officially began in the early summer of 2009. Originally just a stream of sport and pop-culture infused emails going back and forth between the two of us, we realized we needed to document some of these ideas in a better manner than our "Deleted Items" folder on Outlook. Blogs are a dime a dozen these days, and Red Sox blogs are currently going for half that, so while there will be times when we'll debate some stats and outcomes, there's a better chance we'll tie in a cheesy (pun slightly intended) 80's movie reference and then draw a crappy MS Paint cartoon making fun of someone in an attempt to keep us going at a different speed than everyone else out there (not that there's anything wrong with that). If you want in-depth analysis, UZR ratings, breaking trade news and back seat coaches second guessing last night's moves, well then you should check out some of the sweet links we have on the right side there. If you want Dodgeball quotes, Simpson references and a movie idea for "Caddy Shack 5" staring Kevin Youkilis as Bill Murray as the groundskeeper, well then sit back and enjoy.

Lastly, we'd like to send out a huge thank you to anyone who constantly takes the time out of their day to read our "work". When we started this we always said 'as long as one person is reading' and we still stand by that. As blog readers ourselves, we really appreciate the input, feedback and responses that we've received so far. So thank you for reading and feel free to drop us an email or put a comment up (they can be anonymous) or pretty much do anything you want short of posting incriminating pictures of us in any ongoing legal battles vs. the State of New York. Thanks again for reading the Cheese and stay tuned for our constant updates and awesomeness*

*Awesomeness is self assumed and is by no means an adjective used by anyone else describing us and/or our "work".

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Excu-suke Matsuzaka

Excu-suke? Like that? Huh? Some people (not me) in the biz (Hollywood term for you) call that a "pun"... I think. Just when we all heard the rumors of the Dice showing up in Florida in shape and ready to go after a rigorous off-season workout, the dude shows and says his back is nagging him. How did it happen? Not really sure. When? Don't know. Soooo, you're going to miss a lot of important time in spring training? Yes. Awesome.

Between that and all this new god damn snow this is just a hap-hap-happy day for all. Thanks hump-day. Thanks a lot.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I'm sorry everyone except America

I, and the other multiple millions that have evolved into a more primitive form of human than the following, would like to apologize on behalf of the oaf-like screaming jerkasses at The Olympics that feel the need to always chant "U-S-A, U-S-A!" every time an American sets foot on the ice/field/snow/death luge. While I have what I feel is sufficient pride in my country and the athletes that represent us, I f*cking hate that chant. It sounds, and sometimes looks, like a cage full of apes (not monkeys mind you) were let go near the stadium/mountain/death luge, given some chest paint and taught to yell out 3 simple letters over and over while giving menacing looks to any competitor that isn't wearing the Stars and Stripes.

Now I'm not really a fan of soccer, or football as everyone else in the world would call it, but the signing and dancing and creativeness that goes into those Euro/South American chants are amazing and they bring a lot of those to the Olympics with them. I wish the chest painters would use those college degrees they will be paying off for the next 30 years to come up with something a little more original. (Side note: a small taste of US Soccer Fans)

To relate this to baseball, sometimes at Sox games I find it hard to believe the same people that brought you the classic "Where-is-Rog-er.... In-the-show-er" (BRILLIANT by the way) are able to sink down to such a low level so quickly when "Yankees Suck" breaks out every 3rd inning. If there's one thing worse than "U-S-A" it's definitely "Yankees Suck", and I hate me some Yankees, believe you me. I just hate the mind numbingness of the chant even more.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Just one more thing out of the way

That's right, now we're just checking off minor events that are getting in the way of baseball starting. Valentines Day, check. Presidents Day or whatever excuse Massachusetts is giving us to not work today. Check.

The rest of the February and all of March is really uneventful in the holiday department so from here on out we're on cruise control (assuming we can avoid any "Smarch" weather). Now it's all about who shows up to camp in what kind of shape talking about whatever contract they're looking for and the question that is looming over all our heads: Will NESN finally give us a Heidi beach party montage? Yup, that's baseball.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My favorite Sox Valentine day moments

Just because baseball isn't officially played during February you'd probably think that there are no Sox moments from the Big V day? Well, you'd be right. So as we approach the start of spring training with rumors of certain players showing up early, what link can we make between the Sox and love?
  • The love between Youk and a pulled pork sandwich. I'd hate to see the guy pork-less. The rampage he would go on if someone took his BBQ deliciousness would produce the first typhoon-icane-quake to hit the east coast since Bon Jovi and Springsteen both played in New Jersey in the same night.
  • Tito loving Pedroia. The daily cribbage games? The longing looks across the dugout? The positive comments and oily back rubs that happen on what now seems like a constant basis? Teets misses playing the game and is re-living his youth through Dustin... in every way possible.
  • My love of Jon Lester. The very first post we did here at the Cheese was last year and it was about Les and since then the guy keeps solidifying why we all love him so much. I feel that sometimes with Beckett and now Lackey on the team that Les kind of gets forgotten about in that 3rd slot, but truth be told the things he's done so far for this team and the things he's shown he can do, well I'm looking forward to my man-crush on him for many years to come.
Sox love. It's a dangerous thing.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Follow the Truck

3:40 PM - Somewhere in CT. Now that I'm a little over 3 hours away I may regret this whole thing. CT is boring. I'm crossing my fingers that we stop at Foxwoods to give all this equipment a little dose of lady luck.

Truck Update

As you all know, The Truck left this morning. I have taken on the duty of following the truck all the way down to Florida, or at least until they see me in the rear view mirror and have the cops make me back off. I'll update everyone on here as much as I can.

12:15 PM - The truck just left. "We" stopped at Burger King about 2 blocks from Fenway. Driver got a whooper, fries and a diet coke. I got chicken tenders. Driver ran over to the Mobil station to grab a pack of smokes. This could be a long ride.


There's Scal.

Then there's Houston Scal.

And finally, Hollywood Scal.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Phony Scott Boras Twitter pages. Well, thats it, I give up on this world.

Don't let Jason Giambi near your mom

Of course if your mom looks like that, you should probably just refer her to this site and the handsomely challenged gentleman that goes by the name of "Jon". Honestly though, I think Jason Giambi is a horrible person and by him signing that girl's ta-tas, she becomes a horrible person by association. Doesn't Giambi just strike you as a (and excuse my Boston-ness) a wicked douche bag? He just looks slimy and I know steroids really aren't a big thing anymore, but he was one of the BIG guys back in the day... not to mention the 2 HRs he hit in 03 against the Sox in game 7 of the ALCS that I will never forgive him for.

After a quick Google, it appears that Giambi is still playing baseball. I know, I'm surprised too. He's a Rocky, or a Rockie rather. Well, you learn something every day.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Thanks beautiful... now get the f*ck out of my house

In case you haven't heard, the "people" who have "inside info" on "Nomar" are thinking that he's leaning towards retirement this year. I remember some of the messy break-ups the Sox had in the past, but the Nomar one will always stick out in my mind because it seemed like it dragged on forever and the way he fronted the media he tried to make it personal. There's so much that went on that fans don't know about, but from a performance stand point I'd say the team did what had to be done.

The number one thing I'll remember about Nomar, well besides his stupid walking up and down and back up the dugout stairs and his OCD glove adjustment thing before every AB is how the son of a bitch got his name. Some video game I played back in the 90's had a commentary EVERY SINGLE TIME he was at-bat to the tune of "If you ever wondered how Nomar got his name, it's his father's name "Ramon", backwards." Thank you video games, you've once again proved that my life started and will probably end with you.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Give me baseball... PLEASE!!

Now that the Super Bowl has ended and Drew Brees is up for half a dozen humanitarian awards including "Overall Most Successful Person to Make Your Son Wear Headphones" it's time to turn our attention towards the next big thing: The Trucks. February 7th was a good day. It was the end of the Colts and of the football season, so now we look towards February 12th. The Day of the Trucks. I know a few months ago we posted a countdown calendar getting us through the winter, but now it's so close you can almost smell the sweat that is surely still dripping off Youk's helmet that will soon be hitching a ride down to the FLA.

A week after the truck leaves, pitchers and catchers report. That's 9 days people. That means in 9 days we'll have us some 100% real baseball activity going on. Celtics, Bruins, I'm sorry but you've had your cold, crappy winter to impress us with icings and slam dunkings but in less than 2 weeks the entire city will forget you and start to pay more attention the weight that Josh Beckett shows up to camp at. Personally, I've been keeping up with his weight all winter. 224. Thank you.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Be a real American... gamble on stupid stuff.

I have no rooting interest in today's Super Bowl. And inevitably, when there's a big sports event with a lot of associated apathy, the only way to keep oneself interested is by gambling.
So to keep our fans entertained, we've assembled a list of prop bets for the big game.
Click here... Enjoy!

Hello little ones

You know all those prospects that Theo wasn't going to trade away for someone like Adrian Gonzalez? Those guys are going to Florida to play with the big boys so we can all get a look at them when they play BC and Northeastern and the lower teams like the Pirates. Spring training is pretty boring when it's all said and done, but knowing that there are a half dozen guys we get to check out (sounds straight) that have been talked about so heavily the last few months makes it a lot more interesting.

Also, incase you were wondering, yes we are alive. I was in Florida fighting off giant gators and Steve was in Spain running with the bulls. No lie, he really was. Wait, those Bulls? Oh, well that's not nearly as dangerous.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

YES!! Joe Nelson is coming!!!

That's right, THE Joe Nelson. That guy, right there. Yuuuup. That's all the fake excitement I can muster up over the signing of Joe Nelson. More bullpen depth. Awesome. Then again, what else can you really expect right now? Lackey, Cameron, Beltre and Scoots are all new faces this year that we'll be looking at on a pretty constant basis in '010. That's a pretty big turnover for one year so buckle in because the next 2 months are going to be really.... boring.

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Gator

Growing up, The Gator was my favorite player. Maybe it was the Dewey-like little forward foot tapping motion or maybe it was the fact that he was rumored to have a bunch of 'gators as pets that he would command to attack his enemies. I'm not sure what really drove me towards liking him more than any other guy out there, but later this week I have a golf trip planned down to Gator Country and I might have to take a stop at this place. Oh Mikey, what crazies things lurk inside your own personal Fun Park? Oh, I looked, batting cages and go-karts. Sweet!!!