Thursday, September 10, 2009

Hollywood, hear our call!

Not to be a jerk or nothing, but Hollywood needs The Cheese. There is no doubt we love baseball movies. I've seen "The Rookie" 18 times, and I'm referring to the Charlie Sheen cop movie, not the Dennis Quaid baseball movie. I watch it just in case those fat cats over at TBS decide to switch things up in the middle and give me some Jimmy Morris like I asked for. As proven movie aficionados, here are some ideas of how to spruce up your regular baseball movies, and give the movie-loving public something they deserve...

Summer Catch & Release - Starring Freddie "fast pitch noise" Prinze and Jessica Biel. Freddie quickly throws his arm out in the majors (it was pretty clear seeing as Griffey hit one out off him in the movie) and Freddie is now destined to return to the Cape and become a fisherman. Thing is, he's a horrible fisherman because everything he catches, he throws back into the ocean. Hence the "release" part of the movie. We figure putting Freddie back on the Cape and on a boat gives Jessica Biel plenty of time to be in a bikini and eventually find out her true love is a jerkass blogger located in southern NH.

Diehard: The Fan - Bruce Willis reprises his role as John McClane. The movie opens with McClane slumped over his tattered recliner in his living room and once the camera pans towards the front of him we see a Mets hat and jersey. McClane is not happy, his Mets are cellar-dwellers again, and he's determined to get revenge. Our hero goes on a tear, charges into Omar Minaya's office (he's a cop, he can do that) only to find out that Omar is dead and the Mets are being run by terrorists. 2 hours and 18 explosions later, the Mets still suck.

A League of Their Own 2: Back to the Kitchen - In a blatantly sexist spin on the original movie, Dottie Henson and her friends from the ballfield return back to the domestic grind of a 1950's post-war household. In an ironic twist, Madonna pumps out 9 of her own kids who start the first all-infant baseball team. (Thanks to Cheese-reader John for this suggestion)

Rookie of the Fear - This will be the first movie in what expects to be dozens of baseball/horror movies coming out in the next year. Henry Rowengardner breaks his arm but then a bone chips off and clogs some artery in his arm or something and he dies. Rather than die easy, he haunts the Cubs (as if they needed more help) by living in the ivy and continues to haunt Cubs fans until they stop throwing stuff at visiting outfielders. Steve Bartman also has a small role in the movie as a baseball.

And some quickies...
Mr.3000 : The Sequel – Can’t cast Bernie Mac for obvious reasons, so instead they completely change the plot of the movie, instead of hits… 3000 walks. Bring your pillow.

The Unnatural – Roy Hobbs. On steroids. Except the only person who knows he’s juicing is his coach. Who’s also his supplier. All goes to hell when the league does an investigation and releases the Hobbs Report.

Little Big Horn League – First war/ baseball movie ever. You thought getting on base was tough, try getting to second base with a bunch of raging Indians in your way. John Kruk plays General Custer.

The Sandy Lot - a group of kids who play pick up baseball while parking cars at a beach down the Cape.

Field of Wet Dreams - Its like field of dreams but with WAAAAY more nudity. If you build it, they will "come." (Thanks to Cheese-reader Steve K. for this suggestion)

Damn Yankees - a documentary of Steve and I watching a Sox/Yanks game and swearing for 3.5 hours straight.

There's Something About Larry- Along the lines of "There's something About Mary", except that its a documentary about Larry Bird co-starring Jessica Biel who plays a reformed stripper/model/hot chick who eventually finds out that her true love is a jerkass blogger located in southern NH.

Back to the Ventura - Robin Ventura makes a time machine out of one of the old bullpen cars then travels back in time to prevent the 2009 Red Sox from ever signing John Smoltz. Feel good movie of the year.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California Burbank Compton Rodeo Drive Hollywood in the Outfield – Kids try to decide on a new name for the Angels.

Hell's Angels in the Outfield - Tony Danza tries playing baseball but gets violently beaten by an unruly motorcycle gang. (Thanks to Cheese-reader Steve K. for this suggestion)

Good News Bears - A baseball team that preaches the followings of the Lord. Billy Bob Thorton makes a cameo as the devil.

Eight Men Out of the Closet - The inspiring tale of the first openly gay baseball team, the 2004 New York Yankees.(Thanks to Cheese-reader John for this suggestion)

Dirty Work - Starring Dustin Pedroia and Norm MacDonald. Norm does his normal thing while Dustin just slides around everywhere getting dirty and yelling at people.

(we'll be adding more Hollywood ideas as we go along, so be sure to stay updated by clicking Henry's face on the right side bar. And if you're a Hollywood producer looking to turn our ideas into a real movie, you probably shouldn't be a Hollywood producer.)


redsoxfandave said...

Add to "Hell's Angels in the Outfield" the fact that the motorcycle gang beats up Danza because he has the worst throwing motion ever in history.

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Dan said...

A humble suggestion:

Seoul of the Game - a "mockumentary" in which Ken Burns discovers that Koreans mistakenly placed in Japanese internment camps during World War II (because all "orientals" looked the same to FDR) were barred from playing in the intra-camp baseball league on account of their "Korean-ness." In the film, he questions the stats of many internment camp greats because they never faced Hong Il Son on the mound.

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