More McGwire

Ugh, another long drive to Pittsburgh. At least I got my tunes. Yeaaahaaa-ahyeaahhhaaahh, it's a party in the U-S-A. Hands up... crap, I'm almost out of gas. Guess I'll turn off here in ::squints:: Transylvannia, Pennsylvania? Whatever, I just hope they have full serve.












'Ello Meester Mark McGwire. 'Ow are you tonight?










I'm good captain cape. Fill'er up, I got some young impressionable minds I need to go flood with my extensive knowledge on how to stay healthy for extended periods of time when others can not.











Of course Meester Mark McGwire. I shall, as you say, "top eet off."










That's great slick. Quicker the better, like I said I'm in a hurry.











It's been a long time since we've had a customer around here, we're all so. hungry.










Yup, money makes a man hungry. Even a pale man like yourself. Yup. Hungry money alright.











That is eenough small talk Meester Mark McGwire, it is time.










Good, this thing is taking forever to fill... what the hell are you doing? Get off me you sicko.











Oh, I will Meester Mark McGwire, once I take a bite out of... what's this sh*t? Where's your neck. This looks like a cross between a pastrami sandwich and a bulldogs a**hole. Ugh, yuck, and it tastes like the bulldog and I don't think I even have taste buds. You have to be kidding, I can't find one good spot, there's flaps of skin cascading down from your jaw like a waterfall.










It's natural, happens to a lot of ex-home run stars.











Look, few years ago we got a hold of Bonds for a half hour and his head had enough blood in it to last my whole family for 2 months. This sh*t ain't right. Get the hell out of here.










Umm, did you at least put any gas in the car?











No, you jerkass. Go down the street, maybe the werewolf will sell you some although I doubt it because he's not going to want to have that neck flap stuck in his teeth either.

Who is that guy?

Who makes the headlines this morning? Wake, age 74, coming off the DL to make sweet, sweet baseball love in the form of a discombobulating knuckler, or that Ortiz guy for an 04'ish walk-off that gets the most pessimistic Sox fan to step off the edge for a minute? For the Cheese, it's Pesky Pole (pictured above obviously). Thank you to the leprechauns that live underneath Fenway that pull that thing back and forth as needed. Over the years the Sox have lived and died by you and last night you shined again. Also, thank you for not calling last night's ball "foul" like you are above. It's tough to get pictures of "The Pole", it's kind of like a vampire (or Jason Bay) or whatever that thing is that doesn't appear when you take pictures of it so that artist rendering is THE closest you'll ever come to seeing "The Pole".

The funny thing about turning points is you can't point them out (or jinx them) til you're far enough away to properly look back at them. I'm not saying this was one, because I can't really, but to see Wake back and an Ortiz walk-off (which has been 2 years in the making now) and be in the middle of a home stand and to know those friggin kids in the neighborhood go back to school today so they'll stop leaving flaming bags of dog sh*t on my door step every hour, well it feels alright. Now if the NY d-bags would drop a few games I'd start sleeping a lot better.

His teeth are made of wool...

Nick Green would disagree. He almost got shishkabobbed last night by Elijah "I could just kill a man" Dukes. Didn't Greeny (as Tito would call him) shatter a bat a few weeks ago and have the bloody remains of it smeared all over his uni? Dude's a bat magnet. I mean that in the straightest way possible. You know. The vampire way.