Friday, June 19, 2009

Jonathan Papelbon's Angry Whiskey

Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey

When you think of Jonathan Papelbon what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Closer? Intimidation? Paper Candy? Well if he had anything to say about that the first thing would be Angry Whiskey. The only way to throw like a pro is to drink like one and with Jonathan Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey you’ll be stammering down Newbury Street and wandering into BU dorms like Derek Lowe after giving up a 4 run lead. With what the FDA is currently referring to as “slightly” more than the legal allowable limit of ethanol and extracted moose testosterone in every bottle, Pap’s Angry Whiskey packs a punch that he guarantees you’ve never felt before. Kevin Millar had this to say about Pap’s Angry Whiskey: “F*CK YEAH!”. Professional athletes and degenerate drunks with $12.95 to spare both agree that Jonathan Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey is their whiskey of choice when the top shelf stuff is gone.

Whiskey makes a man angry. Papelbon's Angry Whiskey makes a man dangerous.

Doctor’s Advisory: Women who are pregnant or who are ever planning on being pregnant should not consume Jonathan Papelbon’s Angry Whiskey as there is an 87% chance said child will be born with flippers and/or “undesirable” appendages. Women who have had a child in the last 8 months to 12 years should not consume JPAW due to the backwards time traveling monsters that may incur in your dreams and become reality like Freddy. After consumption of JPAW you should not do the following: urinate near an open flame, urinate near a closed flame, consume water for 4 hours as it has a negative reaction to the extracted moose testosterone, be alone for an extended period of time, go to sleep or walk backwards.

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