"Dice" Clay

Educated Cheese presents the inagural performance of the one and only:

"Dice" Clay Comedy Team!

With absolutely no affiliation with the notorious comedian Andrew Dice Clay or his nursery rhyme spins, Dice and Clay offer similar laughs on a much less controversial scale. Such classics as:

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, and Jack came down with an ERA under 3. Oooh!"

or

Clay: "Little Miss Muffet..."
Daisuke: "Sat on a tuffet..."
Clay: "Because Terry benched her for the season!"
Clay & Daisuke: "Oooh!"

You can pick up their latest comedy album at your local Tower Records store.

Les(ter) is more

The Sox may have outscored the Jays by only 4 runs that last series, but they swept em so who gives a f*ck? After that 4 game taint handing via Los Rays (They're Spanish now) the Sox have won a healthy 7 of the last 9 (mostly against "bird" teams) and half of these guys look like they're here to play this year and we can only hope the other half come around pretty soon.

Today is an off day. I hate off days. Even with the plethora of Boston sports going on around this city right now, we get no sports today. B's and C's don't play til Saturday, when we (as a city) get another chance for the elusive Sports Trifecta. With the other winter sports still going strong in the playoffs, I'm guessing all the talk on the radio, tv and high profile blogs (like or unlike ours is up to you to decide) will not be about the Sox and their hot streak, and that's ok by me. Soon enough it will all be about baseball and maybe this little streaky mcstreak will get the boys going so when the rest of the world turns their eyes this way the Sox will be rolling up on The Yanks and those Los Rays and making those first two weeks a distant memory.

Now that's my kinda prevention

Two nights ago Toronto scored somewhere in the area of a million runs, annihilating any Sox pitcher that came in a 10 foot radius of the mound. Last night they scored 1 against Clay Buchs. I'm liking the one run thing a lot better. It focuses on the run prevention and less on the winning prevention and if you haven't been watching the last few weeks, the Sox could use some wins.

Also, in case you didn't see it last night with the game tied in the top of the 8th with two outs and the bases loaded, Francona stepped up and called The Big Guy back to the dugout while he was about 2 steps from the batters box. Doormat Lowell came in to pinch hit and took a walk which happened to force in the winning run, but if you didn't feel bad for Ortiz getting all the way up to the plate with a chance to redeem himself only to be forced to cowardly head back to the bench to chop up some salsa, well then my friend, you have no soul. Not that I didn't think it was the right call, and you can't argue with the result, but sometimes you really feel for Ortiz. I can only hope the $14M he makes this year can get him through this rough time.

The Ueck is going under the knife.

Maybe if Mr. Belvedere wasn't so busy being so damn funny with his little English accent and dry humor then Bob Uecker wouldn't be undergoing heart surgery this week. Put a little more effort into it Bel, you selfish son of a bitch. Honestly though, Ueck in Major League is still one of the best characters in a movie and he was pretty much playing the role of himself, most likely with similar amounts of whiskey in both the movie and real life. Here's a quick recovery Bobby U.

Fabio called up

The Sox called up Fabio today. Its a bit unclear to me how a former male model will help the Sox, but at this point, you take whatever you can get. I mean the guy is jacked, so maybe he's got a mean fastball. Plus, he can take a beating, as evidence by his face colliding with a bird on a roller coatser. Risky move, but lets face it, Atchison was kind of lousy...

...oh, Fabio CASTRO. nevermind.

Prevention

For Theo,

From Websters: Prevention (Pre-ven-shun) - The act of preventing or impeding.

From Jon: Run Prevention - The act of preventing "runs" or impeding "runs".

There are 30 teams in the MLB. Most of them have been better at preventing runs thus far into the season. How much better? Here are some stats (I know, I'm desperate, breaking out the stats) that one would associate with run prevention and how the Sox rank against the other 29 teams in the MLB.

Hits allowed - 2nd to last
Runs and earned runs - 3rd to last
ERA - 26th worst
WHIP 25th worst
Batting Average Against - 23rd worst

And the team that was supposed to be a defensive juggernaut with 9 vacuum cleaners running around picking up every ball hit around, they have the 18th worst fielding percentage. I could check to see where their collective UZR (popular fielding stat) ranks, but then I'd have to look up exactly what it means and I'm in no mood to learn anything this early in the morning.

Oh yeah, Sox won last night in a real pitchers duel, 13-12. Pre-ven-shun.

Baseball Skills 101

Attention Jason Varitek and Victor Martinez:

This is what major league catchers are supposed to do.

Scoo-Scoo-Scutaro

It was just a matter of time before Scoots went bridge and he hit a big one last night when the Sox were reverting back to last week's form and not scoring any runs. Not scoring runs against a team that is 2-14 is not cool. The O's are bad. Really bad. After the Sox slow start, these are the guys our guys have to do some taint-handing to all year long. 18-0 would be nice, but being realistic, I'll take 17-1 because there's no way Youk doesn't OD on BBQ down in Baltimore at least once this year. The over under is currently at 2.

Tek hit another HR last night too, his 4th of the year. Trivia time; How many hits does he have this year? I'm going to say 5 and 4 of them are HRs. Ok, he has 7 hits. I'm no big fancy numbers guy, but this early in the year, having 7 hits, 4 of them being dingers, that's a good HR to hit ratio. Now if either of the dueling catches could find their right arm's we might have something going here.

We Can't Seem to Get This Trifecta Thing Right

Paul Pierce is an animal. I apologize for ignoring the Sox at the top here, but sweet Jebus the guy is just insane. No one is ever going to accuse him of looking pretty when he does his thing, but when he constantly does it right before those big zeros come up on the clock, he can look any damn way he wants.

Then you've got the Sox.

Ortiz swung the DH pendulum back in his direction for the time being with his first bridge shot of the year. Maybe this Lowell/Ortiz DH battle to the death will show the best of both of them when we need it. Of course it could also lead to some itching powder in jock straps and super glue in shampoo bottles, but those type of things are usually the norm in friendly competition like this. Add in Lester having his first ball game of the year and Bill Hall showing shades of Manny (in a good way) in left field, well you've got yourself one hell of a game. They've got that 4 straight loses to the Rays thing to contend with, but winning 3 of the next 4 is a good way back to the top.

Oh, and thank you Bruins for messing up our Boston Sports Trifecta. There are only so many times these things can happen in one year. According to my sports calendar, the B's and the C's would have to advance to the next round to give us another run at City perfection. I feel it happening this year and it feels good.

The Official Mike Lowell Doormat

If you're a Sox fan, chances are you constantly have people over your house to sit down and enjoy some ball games, not just sit in your parent's basement rubbing your 26 rings like your typical NY fan. Now with the weather in New England being as predictable as it is, sometimes your house guests bring can bring some not so desirable dirt and crap into your house. If you're like a million other Sox fans out there you know you need a door mat, but it happens to the one thing The Red Sox haven't put their logo on yet. Have no fear because we're introducing the Official Mike Lowell Doormat.

For roughly 8 times the price of a regular, daily use doormat, you get this beautiful hand woven, well worn looking doormat complete with the smirking image of Mike Lowell looking right up at you as you wipe all that stuff off the bottom of your shoes right across his mug. The Official Mike Lowell Doormat is available right now, but may not be tomorrow, but there's a good chance we'll be giving these things away in a few days time! Tired of your friends saying your doormat is so "2004-2007" and that it can't catch up a fastball anymore and doesn't even play the field? Aren't we all. Get your Mike Lowell Doormat today and replace that Big doormat in your housing lineup.

How about a normal win

That's right, I'm complaining about winning. How about instead of this back and forth, 9 steals, extra innings, Joey McNoName getting the game winning hit stuff, they just get your typical 8-3 victory in 9 innings. Right now it seems like that's too much to ask. Like just winning at all is a lucky thing because these guys have come back from getting pounced on to win 2 in a row so maybe I should just shut up and like it. Nope, it's never good enough for me.

One good thing I did find from all these crazy games is that it at least shows the team has some kind of character because honestly when you look at a lot of these guys as individuals, they're boring as sh*t to watch.

• Drew, despite his well timed grand slam last night, is the epitome of a boring player.


• Beltre may hit the quietest .300 ever known to man.


• Before Cameron was peeing rocks on the DL, he wasn't exactly making heads turn in CF except when people said "Hey, that's not Jacoby".


• I'm already falling asleep in the 7th and a dose of Scott Attchison throwing his high 80's gas doesn't exactly keep me perky.


• Despite Scutaro sounding like a cool, flashy name, his play is pretty mild mannered.

All in all, these guys that we all had concerns about at the beginning of the season due to their lack of ability, well we should have been concerned about their ability to put me to sleep. Maybe 3 wins in a row would keep me awake a little longer.

JD Drew and his 4-RBI swing

Maybe it's good luck because I'm actually at home sitting down watching the game tonight and not just checking box scores on my phone/superintelligentthingy while out doing multiple things that a man of the world like myself does on weekday nights. Maybe it's time for some of the offense to turn around. Maybe JD Drew just likes to hit a friggin grand slam every once and a while to remind people that he's still living and breathing out in RF.

And I'm guessing Lowell's solo shot earlier bought him a start at DH tomorrow. A Red Sox game that I'm actually watching and paying attention to. What a concept.

Well Color Me Surprised

I'm not exactly sure what color I would be, but it would be the one that has me doing a double take when I woke up this morning and saw the final score. After the marathon by the Rangers on the base paths last night I turned the game off mid 7th only to miss the new Big Mac finally give a Sox fan at Fenway something to cheer about besides the new ball girl. I hear she's hot.

From what I watched, the Sox didn't deserve to win that game. Unless some unknown dynamic changed in the last 45 minutes of the game, that win was swiped out from under the nose of Nolan Ryan himself and I'm sure he wanted to give the "Ventura" to our new hero, Darnell Mcdonald. I'll take a win, especially with Ortiz and Drew still having a limbo contest with their batting averages and the law firm of Wakefield/Martinez letting everyone walk all over the place.

Paging Soul Asylum

Runaway Train anyone? Thank you 1990's grunge, and thank you Texas Rangers for stealing 9 (nine, as in the number after 8, before 10) bases SO FAR in the game tonight. 5 in one inning. At Fenway. Are you f*cking kidding me? I know it's Wake pitching and V-Mart's arm is making Johnny Damon's look like a .22 caliber rifle, but come f*cking on?!?! Do you know what 9 stolen bases looks like in the scorer's box? Like this:

SB - E Andrus 3 (4, 2nd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez, 3rd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez, 2nd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez), V Guerrero 2 (3, 2nd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez, 3rd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez), N Cruz 3 (3, 2nd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez, 2nd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez, 3rd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez), J Borbon (2, 2nd base off T Wakefield/V Martinez).

Also, Ortiz .146, JD Drew .137. Ellsbury and Cameron to the DL. I do believe a beer or 12 are in order right now.

Hello. Please have a seat.

Good morning/night/afternoon ladies and/or gentlemen. This is the voice of reason talking. People are saying things right now, nasty things, about your beloved Red Sox. They are complaining about runs not being scored, extra runs being allowed, lineups being thinner than tissue paper and the call for various heads to roll. I am just here to tell you that all these things, these nasty things, they are mother f*cking true and you know it!!!

The run prevention thing, turns out all the off season moves, they are working! They are all preventing the Sox from scoring runs. Theo you crafty devil, you've done it again. All those numbers you crunched are turning up roses.

The next coming of "The Big 3", the rotation to put all others to shame, they've been put to shame.*

After the first 4 batters (in the ideal lineup, Ells, Pedroia, Vmart and Youk) those other 5 are looking worse than we ever thought, and that's pretty effin' bad. Drew and Ortiz with a 31:11 strikeout to hit ratio, well that's just friggin' peachy.

It's early. I'm not really panicking. Things need to get into the month of May and double digits before I officially start to light certain ceremonial candles to ward of the proper bad spirits.

*I do think the rotation will come around. This I am not worried about.**
**I'm kidding. Everything worries me right now.

The Gammons

Remember everybody, no matter how horrible the Red Sox are this year, we still have The Gammons there ready to comfort us after every excruciating loss.

Today we get morning baseball and people in short shorts with hard-to-pronounce names running down Boylston. enjoy.

Ben "Don't Call Me Roy Halladay" Zobrist

I'm convinced that Halladay bastard is still in the AL East under the guise of Ben Zobrist. You can't fool me, Ben. er Roy. er Harry.

Also, some more playoff acting from Pierce. A video I'm sure the NBA will take down the moment I post it...

Sports Trifecta Outcome

Outcome: No so great. The B's and the C's held up their end of the deal but the Sox lost not one, but two games in one day. Sure, it's a technicality, but it's still two games in one day, both lost by 2 runs or less and both games coming with at least 1 error. Errors, you know, those things that Theo and all those guys told everyone the team would be avoiding. Avoiding, you know, like David Ortiz's bat does to the ball when he steps up to the plate.

Like I said a few days ago, I miss the days when The Rays coming to town meant toughing through a few innings of Kaz or Shields then ripping their 'pen apart for a good victory, moral and statistical. Now we have to face these legit guys on a crappy weekend when everything else in Boston sports is going so right and baseball is going oh so wrong. It's 11 games in and there have been very few signs of actual life out of this team, unless you count an injury as a sign of life because that might be the only way you could tell if Mike Cameron had a pulse thus far.

Another cold, rainy one today. Some great baseball weather for sure. Another reason I'm glad I'm not rich so I don't have to bear the weight of having season tickets and tough it out at these games. Life is good.

The Mighty Sports Trifecta

Everyone in New England knew it was going to rain last night. Chances are you've checked the weather for this weekend and seen that the forecast says cold and rainy and pretty much a bunch of cold rainy sh*t falling from the sky. Now I know they had to try and get that game in last night, and they did that pretty well for 3 hours, but why the EL Fudge did they call the game in the bottom of the 9th in a tie game when the Rays batted in what only seemed like the same weather as The Sox were about to bat in? So now they get to resume the game tonight... before the real game.

The real story today though is that today is the day of the mighty sports trifecta. That's right, Bruins playoff at 1, Red Sox now with a little more than 1 full game of action at 7:10, and C's playoff at 8. Today could be a day of joy, 4 wins from the local teams all in one day. Something that has never been accomplished before. Of course, sticking to the tradition of being a Boston pessimist, this could be a day of 4 losses. Something that everyone tomorrow will be drinking about. Something everyone on Monday will be talking about at work. Boston, don't let that happen. I want to see 4-0. I want glory today... cus we ain't go no f*ckin' sun, I need something.

Analogy: Water is to oil as Creed is to baseball

Creed recorded a song about the Florida Marlins.

Lets break this down....

Creed... - the worst band ever

...recorded a song... - for Creed, and their horrible lead singer Scott Stapp, that entails babbling words and yelling incoherently into a microphone while over-produced music blares in the background.

...about... - Creed doesn't really have subjects when they make music. Just gurgling stuff about Jesus and God.

...the... - the

Marlins. - Creed is from Florida. The Marlins are from Florida. Its a perfect match! Lets get them to sing a song! And they did, which sounds like all their other crappy songs, replacing the "Jesus" and "God" lyrics with "Florida Marlins".

Creed has infected baseball.

Lets only hope this gets Hanley crawling back to Boston.

You send out the B-Team, that's what you get.

Bill Hall starting at CF. Jeremy "It's not a disease" Hermedia getting the nod in left. Mikey Lowell at DH. And just to make things even more interesting on a Thursday afternoon, Wake taking the hill. Really, do you need to know how it ended? It's not that I don't have faith in Wake but with all the utility guys out there it just seemed like a huge meltdown/crapfest/taint handing was imminent. Then throw in a 3 errors from the team that is supposed to be a defensive force to be reckoned with and it's a guaranteed meltdown/crapfest/taint handing that you're lucky was on at 1 PM so you didn't have the chance to watch it.

I remember when coming back to Fenway to play the (Devil) Rays was always the cure for a road trip hangover. I miss those days. Please bring back those days.

Didn't know if you guys caught Beckett and Lackey doing the two man luge back in February. There it is though. Proof.

Suspect Defense?

3 errors through 6 innings. DE-FENCE! It's not just for football anymore.

Hollywood, listen up. Summer Catch 2!

That's right. Jessica Biel, Freddie "Zoom Noise" Prinze Jr and Matthew Lillard (not featured except on the poster) are back and this time they are joined by Micheal J Fox and Ray Liotta in this year's sure to be blockbuster, Summer Catch 2!

Last time we caught up with Ryan Dunne he had almost pitched a perfect game in the Cape Cod League and Dr. Cox offered him a contract and his dad (now played by Ray Liotta) insisted The Phillies throw in some more change if his boy was going to slum it through the minors. Well, Ry made it to the Bigs and non other than the immortal Ken Griffey Jr went bridge on him on his first pitch. That was it for Dunne's career in the majors. He tore his ACL, MCL and that Tommy John thing in his elbow on the very next pitch and he was never the same.

Dunne now works at the Dairy Queen on Rt. 28 in Yarmouth where his boss, Micheal J Fox, thinks Dunne should take another shot at the majors. Turns out that scooping ice cream for the last 4 summers froze Dunne's elbow ligaments back together to the point where he can now throw again (with the aid of the zoom noise). MJF takes Dunne under his wing and shows him the proper mechanics of how to throw with a partially frozen elbow. After a long off-season of dishing out Blizzards and throwing zooming fastballs against the dumpster behind Dairy Queen, Dunne goes to an open try out and makes it back into the minor system of, you guessed it, The Phillies.

Once Dunne flunked out of the majors the first time, his main squeeze Tennley (Yes, Jessica Biel's character had a name*) moved her way up through the Phillies organization (Refer to the low budget skin-flick Tennley Goes Yard with the Phils) and is currently dating Chase Utley. Burning with the desire to get Tennley back, and to find the secret behind Chase Utley's hair product use, Dunne makes his way back to the majors with lots of hard work and determination and proper steroid/ice cream cycling, and in the interest of anyone wanting to see this movie, Tennley comes back to Dunne and the rest of the movie is more or less Jessica Biel running around in the scantiliest of scantily clad-ness outfits while Chase Utley lights Dunne up during a spring training game.

Love. Baseball. Micheal J Fox. We couldn't make this stuff up people. We hope to see you at the theaters this summer for Summer Catch 2!

*Of the 1,000 times I've seen this movie I never knew Jessica Biel's character had a name and I had even less of a clue it was "Tennley". Thank you IMDB.

Hey, I shop at Target!

I do, and today the Red Sox are at Target field for the first official game ever played there. I haven't paid close enough attention to what the stadium looks like (besides the fact that there's no roof on it which makes total sense for Minnesota???) but I am going to be very disappointed if there aren't Target targets all over the field where you win stuff when you hit one. If Jordan's Furniture can come up with a place to hit a ball and win sh*t, then Target field should be a shooting range.

A couple nice afternoon games this week against Captain Sideburns and his thousands of lakes and silly half-Canadian accent. 4:10, 1:10 and 1:10 this week, you know what that translates into? Me having to get some work done early in the morning because I'm going to be junk after 1 o'clock almost every day this week.

Beckett almost got the Clement treatment last night

I still remember watching Matt Clement nearly get his head taken off back in '05 in Tampa Bay and he was never the same after that. So when Dejesus nearly be-headed Beckett last night I nearly needed a mid-game pants change. It could have been really ugly. Guy signs a new contract, comes out for the first game and takes a shot to the head that could have had all us talking about how Josh Beckett and baseball aren't important anymore, but we just hope he's ok and can eat his own Cheerios in the morning. Thankfully for all parties involved that wasn't the case and now we can associate Beckett with things like hazing rookies by marinating their jock straps in Stubbs BBQ sauce and bringing in his pit bulls, and of course providing needed beat downs in the middle of a losing streak.

As for the Sox getting Greinked, well that sure as hell wasn't the case. There probably won't be many games in which Jeremy Hermedia and Jason Varitek go back-to-back off the reigning Cy Young winner, so yesterday was a treat in many ways. A treat, that's right, it's an early Sunday morning and that's what you get. A treat.

Umpires are like wasps

You piss one off (Joe West anyone) and all of a sudden there's a swarm of the bastards trying to get a piece of you. See above informational flyer for more information on wasps and what to do when you see one. I don't blame the umpires for the Sox somehow blowing that game last night. Sure there was that Ortiz ejection, the Pedroia called second strike in the 7th that somehow the Amica Pitchzone called a strike (I have my questions regarding the calibration of said "pitch zone"), but it was all Sox when it came to dropping the game to the Royals. Not cool fellas, not cool at all.

Now today, they get Greinke. What's the best way to recover from a 3 game losing streak? Well, it's not going against the guy that has like a 0.7 ERA the last two Aprils.

However I am proud to report that no Red Sox players were harmed in the giant fountain last night. There's always a positive. That and Javier Vasquez got lit up last night.

I hope we don't get Greinked.

Right now it looks like Saturday will line up The Sox new $70 Million dollar man, Josh Beckett, against THE Zack Greinke. Grenks has only been around since 08, and everyone knows about the crazy stats he put up last year, but in case you didn't know, the guy has some said crazy funny things along the way. We profiled (sounds serious) Greinke last year and with the Royals coming up again, let's take another look at some of those infamous Greinke quips:

I'd say the average person wouldn't eat a Chipotle burrito and still do his running, full speed, like me. That's why they call me special.

I could hit me if someone were on base. It wouldn't be easy, but I could do it. If no one were on base, I wouldn't care as much, so I could get me out

There will definitely be flying cars, but whether there’ll be flying cars for most people to use, it’ll probably take a long time to straighten everything out, all the rules and hassles. It’ll take a while to figure out how to keep people from crashing into each other

"Soria, you runnin' today? You're goin' down then. I'm gonna so much faster than you, you're going to be eating my dust." "I was going to race Soria but he backed down. He said he's too tight today. He's not ready for a real challenge."

Oh, and that woman up there, that's his girlfriend. Grenks lives a tough life.

Thanks, John. No thanks, Jon.

Lackey kicked some ass and took some names last night. Papelbon did not. Personally, I hate seeing Paps out there for more than 3 outs. I can deal with the 8th inning stuff sometimes, but I feel like he brings the nasty stuff for those 3 outs and that's that. And last night, that was that.

On the bright side, I don't think Lackey's Red Sox/Yanks cherry poppin' could have gone any better. It's not that I don't care about being efficient and using your pitches wisely, but at the end of the night he goes 6 innings and that first number on the board is a big zero and that's what counts. After watching the first 2 starters go down in a run per inning flames, it was great to see the new guy step up and bring the filthy, stinky, crack-a-lackin' cheese.

Now it's on to KC. Baseball is back. It's "on to another town" now, whereas the last 5 months was a cluster of "ifs" and endless days of waiting. I think the warm weather has something to do with the start of the season hitting me even more brick-like than usual. Let's hope the weather keeps up and we don't lose any members of the OF to that huge waterfall out in the middle of Kaufman stadium. Rooting for The Royals to skip Greinke in the rotation wouldn't hurt either.

F*ck me? No, f*ck you!

That's something that the man commonly known as Big Papi would like to say to you if you are a member of the media. Don't worry about the safety of Steve and I though, to call us "media" would be like calling a Yankee fan a class act. I did however get a pretty exclusive interview with the big guy. Maybe he had me mistaken for a member of the media (I was wearing my "news" hat) because he was pretty upset with me as you can see here.

Me: Hey David. So, what's happening?
Ortiz: You guys wait 'til [expletive] happens, then you can talk [expletive]...
Me: Woah, I was just asking how you were doing. You guys are what, 3 games into the season now?
Ortiz: Two [expletive] games, and already you [expletives] are going crazy. What's up with that, man? [Expletive]...
Me: Sorry, 2 games into the season. My bad.
Ortiz: [Expletive] 160 games left. That's a [expletive]...
Me: Thanks, I'm actually pretty good at math I could have figured that out. I'm pretty good at hitting too. Take a look at this swing, think I can make it to the bigs?
Ortiz: [expletive]. One of you [expletives] got to go ahead and hit for me.

It just got more hostile from there and I think it would be unfair to Ortiz to show anymore of the conversion. Needless to say though, he is an angry man right now. I think we're going to see Ortiz use some of that anger in a good baseball way though. A "gotta go bridge" kinda way.

Undefeated season comes to an end

And here I thought they were going to make a run at it. The elusive 162-0. Oh well, good to get that undefeated talk over with right now so they don't have it hanging over them when they're 149-1 in September.

I don't have much to say about that game last night, other than having baseball back in my life is a beautiful thing. I got home around 7:30 and normally I'd complain about getting home so late and then trying to fil that void until some 8 o'clock prime time nutbuster like Biggest Loser with some type of re-run sitcom, but I walk in the door and before I even hear the wife say Hi I hear DO describing the pitch count on Youk in the bottom of the first.

"You're home late."
"Yup. Sox are on."
"Did you have dinner? Want something to eat?"
"Baseball is on, it's ok."

That's right. Baseball is on. Everything is A Ok.

Welcome, Josh. Welcome, to the future!

And we'll be welcoming you back for another 4 years, Mr. Beckett. I'm just so glad that The Sox got this done before the season really got into full swing and before the rumors started flying that I haven't even checked out the logistics of the contract. Is there a no-trade clause? Is there a hazing clause where Josh gets first dibs on all the newbies in the clubhouse? Is that hazing clause underlined with an anti-hazing clause that involves Tito having to step in to stop things from going over the line again? You remember, right Clay? The waffle iron. All that silly putty. There is a line, I know.

Most of all though, with this signing it gives the Sox the 'your ass is grass and our starting rotation is the lawn mower' power by having Beckett and Lackey signed through 2014 and Lester through 2013. 2014 sounds like the future, and not just because it's one year before Back to the Future Part II takes place, but that's 4 full seasons from right now. Sure arms can get hurt, elbows can need to be Tommy John'ed, backs can spasm, but for the most part the Sox have 3 kick ass studs sitting atop their rotation pretty much til Marty McFly finds out that Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers got him fired.

Watching other opening days isn't as fun

No sir. No doubt about it. Watching the Braves dominate the Cubs, or the Phillies take on some other National League team whose name escapes me right now just doesn't feed my hunger for baseball like the Red Sox did last night. I know this isn't exactly breaking news, but I thought sitting down this afternoon to some nice early season MLB would kind of continue the baseball high from last night. I was wrong. It's not the first time and I can only guess it won't be the last. I mean, Lowell getting that standing O, Pedro throwing the first pitch, then the new guys just kicking some serious tail, that was probably the best opening day since 2005. Oh yes, 2005, THE opening day. Gimme some flyover. For those people with things to do, fast forward to just past 1 minute.

2010: Commence the Awesome (Live Game Blog)

Holy sh*t am I I glad baseball is back. So far, Opening Night/ Day/ Whatever you want to call it has been fantastic no matter the outcome when the game ends 8 hours from now. Such a great feeling when all that offseason talk finally culminates and turns into real baseball. These new guys we've been talking about are finally playing, and no longer just the subject of "how do you think this new guy will do?" conversations. It happens every year, and I always kind of forget the feeling, but its always fun.

We catch up with me on my couch with a giant smile on my face, being nostalgic and thinking about the season ahead. Now we switch to the "Twitter-like unecessary updates on stupid sh*t" mode:

• I've been up since 6:00AM as Jon and I hosted the first annual Educated Cheese Golf Open this morning. We're not too bright, golfing that early with a late Sox game. Oh well.
• Walking in the door from Easter with the family with my skin kinda leathery from sitting in the unexpected but welcomed summer sun in April.
• Chock full of delicious Easter food. Kind of an odd mix in the stomach right now. Ham. Carrots. Potatoes. Chocolate eggs. Monday will unofficially be Indigestion Day.
• Just remembered that the fridge is full of leftover BBQ and Sam brews. Take that, stomach.
• Flipped on the tube to the pregame. Finding out that NESN will be broadcasting the game, and ESPN will be blacked out. Saving me from an evening with Captain I Always Sound So Surprised and King Dipsh*t (ESPN's Jon Miller and Joe Morgan).
• ESPN has recruited Nomar and Schill as analysts. They even bought Schill a suit, though it looks about 3 sizes too small. They need to put Schill and Nomar in the studio together. The guy who burned all the bridges, and the guy who had to rebuild them all. Awkward but entertaining TV.
• Just re-kindled my man love for Don and Jerry. All it took was a tiny chuckle from D.O.
• The showmanship of this ownership never ceases to amaze me. Pedro throwing out the first pitch, quickly followed by Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" (see Family Guy video above). Throw in a little Johnny Pesky. Perfect. I'm with you, Jerry... I still miss Pedro.
• I hate Curtis Granderson as a Yankee already. I need to find an animal and/ or muppet to compare him to, the same way Posada looks like Rizzo the Rat. Granderson will still be good, but I'll feel better if I can quietly mock him.
• All new commercials. D.O. and Lackey talking Massachusetts roads. Jennie Finch with that moron Olympia Sports cab driver with the Leonardo DiCaprio-like forced Boston accent. I'm sure we'll be sick of these new commercials by Tuesday. But for now, I like the freshness of everything.
• Was that advertising sign behind home plate always green and they superimpose the graphics? I forget. I spent like 5 minutes arguing with myself about it.
• Looks like Beckett's necklaces have some new organic growth on them. awesome.
• Random Internet Find of the Night: This.
• Didn't even make it to the 3rd inning of game 1 and I've already had my first "Drew, you're a f*cking a$$hole." moment. Many, many more to come. This year's "you're a f*cking a$$hole" count will be close between him and Papelbon.
• How does Ortiz shave his beard with such precision? Its like he uses a T-square on that thing. Ortiz needs an endorsement deal with Gillette.
• For the 3,745th time, can we please lay the "Yankees Suck" chant to rest? Not funny, not accurate, and it doesn't hold the same charm when it began 10+ years ago. New rule: you get caught trying to start the chant at Fenway, no more beer for you... and if someone actually starts chanting it with you, no pretzels.
• Shoenewriu8weis sporting the Kotsay look. gross.
• Wow C.C. Sabathia is fat. He has no shame at all. He has every fat guy characteritic going for him. Beer belly. chubby cheeks. Ridiculously baggy clothes. Is he wearing gray sweat pants? He looks like he should be in an over-40 slow pitch softball league. Yet he still throws 94mph. This is an odd world we live in.
• Dammit, JD Drew got a hit to the opposite field and did so with a picture-perfect swing. The back-and-forth begins.
• Ellsbury already looks faster with the new #2. Less uniform fabric = more speed.
• The new rage this summer? Marco Scutaro/ Marco Polo chants. Go ahead, try it. Its a good time. Though someone, usually the wife, tells you to cut the sh*t after the second "Mar-co Scut-a-ro".
• More Jordan's Furniture promos this year. If the Sox pitch 4 perfect games and win the World Series and score exactly 18 runs in each game, you get a free pillow case.
• The umpires have mailed it in. Its quite possible they decided to save travel money and just had the NBA refs from Cavs-Celtics ump the Sox game tonight. The incompetence looks awfully familiar.
• Mike Cameron is perpetually sweaty.
• Down 5-2 and I don't really care. Baseball at Fenway. 70 Degrees. There is a God. Peter Gammons is Saint Peter. Thats what I'm calling him from now on.
• YOUK triple!!! Beltre single!!! Tied up! Hooray for late night adrenaline!!! I won't be able to sleep until 3am.
• A shot of Steven Tyler who's going to sing God Bless America. Which will stir all the food in my stomach and probably induce vomit. Get ready, toilet.
• Long shot off the wall for A-Rod. I bet Joe Morgan made some comment on ESPN like "Alex really uses his hands to swing the bat." Thank god I don't have to hear it tonight.
• Steven Tyler sung. I didn't make it to the toilet.
• There's a really, really, really fat guy sitting on the third base side who's in the background when right hand hitters are up. Just wanted to point that out. I think its because when I'm at the game and sitting in my seat, I find all the fat people walking around and hope they're not making their way to the seat next to me.
• Pedroia dinger. still short. got more awesome. tied up again, 7-7. yeah, forget it. I'll sleep tomorrow night.
• Chan Ho Park sucks. make that a chant. nah, too many syllables. Plus he already knows he sucks.
• Big night for Youk. As always, his facial hair deserves some credit.
• Interesting bullpen strategy by the Yankees... they turned Damaso Marte into a wild pitch specialist. 8-7 Red Sox.
• Oh good, Neil Diamond to sing "Sweet Caroline" live in the 8th inning. Little does he know that there's 38,000 people there who think they can sing it better than him.
• It says "Keep the Dodgers in Brooklyn" on Neil Diamond's jacket. A few more chocolate Easter eggs and I'd have enough sugar in my system to get me to Fenway to rub pine tar in his face. What washed up singer is going to sing next inning?
• Ellsbury 0 for 5 on the night. He'll need a new uniform number.
• Speedy 37-year-old Mike Cameron scores an insurance run on a Pedroia single at 11:44PM on Easter Sunday. 9-7 Sox. My eyes are still open thanks to scotch tape.
• Top 9. please Jonathan Robert Papelbon, spare me the drama.
• Sox win 9-7. dirty water.

Banner weekend. I'm going to hook up the coffee IV for tomorrow morning. goodnight.

P-Gams really brings it

Is it just me, or does having P-Gams next to Eck and T.C. during the pre-game chat f*cking kick some serious ass? I'm sure it's not just me. I love that fact that Boston has a station like NESN that is so dedicated to the Sox and its always had that "home town" feel to it. I think of it as ESPN for New Englanders. Now throw Gammons into an already "filled to the brim with awesomeness" booth and combine that with opening day and my sensors are on over-load. First pitch is just more than an hour away. I ate plenty of ham and whateverthehellelse people put in front of me and I am ready. Baseball, you went away for so many months. So many cold months. Now you are back and I am happy.

Let's get it on!!

In preparation for Red Sox vs. Yankees

Let the clowns, ponies, trapeze flying guys and the rest of the flying circus into town. It's almost time to do this thing.

Come and get it

Tomorrow. Wow.

Each winter seems longer than the last. Just like the drive to get there always seems longer than the one to get home. Finally though, it's here. All we have to do is tough through some stupid game in Washington today. Tomorrow, eat a few pieces of ham, find some chocolate eggs, kiss some babies then settle in for some long awaited Sox on Yanks action.

I also believe that the amazing weather this weekend isn't just pure coincidence. It's baseball flexing its "glamor muscles" in front of mother nature, and she has no choice but to concede and let (excuse my throwback) "The good times roll". Good times, roll away.

The Sox may never be rid of Julio Lugo

A few years ago the Red Sox signed Julio Lugo to a big contract. 4 years, $36 Million to be almost exact. Last year Julio Lugo played 37 games in a Sox uni, but Boston still ponied up close to $9 Million to watch him suck a few games for the Sox, then for 80-something more for the Cardinals. Yesterday, Julio Lugo was traded to the Orioles for cash or a player to be named later... but he will still be making $9 Million this year... of the Red Sox money. Are you frackin' kidding me? The guy who was supposed to step in and be a fixture at SS here in Boston and 2 years later he's getting traded for cash considerations OR a player that isn't even good enough to name at the present time? Oh how the mighty have fallen. Even though he's not a legit starter for the O's, there's a good chance we'll still catch a glimpse of Loogs in passing.

Good thing we have Marco Scutaro...

Mike Lowell traded to Texas

After hurting Mike's feelings in the offseason by saying he wasn't welcome in the Lone Star state, the Rangers and Red Sox are on the verge of a deal sending Mike Lowell to Texas, in what is looking like a very lop-sided deal in favor of the Red Sox. According to sources, Lowell will be sent to Texas in return for Josh Hamilton. The trade pending a physical, which Mike Lowell is expected to pass this time because he took his Flintstone vitamins.


You can read more about the impending trade here.

Josh Beckett on the team when I turn 30?

30 is a big milestone and I'm pretty sure I'd like to ring in the day (July 5th, 2011 for those generous souls out there) with a kick ass starting rotation, and one those biggest kickers of the ass is one Joshua Patrick Beckett. If all things go the Sox way in the next few days he could be here for longer than that. Personally I'll take a heaping helping of Becks for as long as the Sox want to lock him up. So Josh, as a personal birthday wish to me in 2 years, I'd really appreciate if you sign now, stick around, kick some ass, maybe win another ring? How's that sound? Good, I'll put you down as a +1 for my 30th b-day party. Probably paint ball and golf. I'll try to arrange it when you guys are on a home stand. Thanks.