My TV is attacking me

If it's not attacking me right now, it soon will be. I was sitting around watching some regular old 2-D TV today and I saw a commercial pimping "3D-TV". So I says to myself,

"Self, you have to be pulling your/my proverbial chain. 3-D TV? What year is it? Where there hell is my freakin hover board?"

Now we've come pretty far in this world with all these VCR DVD Blu-Ray players and triple cheeseburgers, but I figured that when TV came into the 3-D world I would either be 6 feet under or at the least screaming at some nurse in whatever old people's home my Olympic athlete children have put me in.

To be fair I haven't read up enough on the technology that brings this 3rd dimension screaming into our home but in the commercial the family watching their super hyper speed 3-D TV are all wearing those stupid-ass glasses. You know, "those" glasses. The very same glasses that I nearly creamed myself over when my father brought home Rad Racer for my 8 bit Nintendo in 1989. Unless Heidi herself starts popping out of the TV during a game I can't see myself wearing a set of old man over sized reading glasses just so I can see a little more depth. I'm still getting used to this HDTV thing and the fact that I can tell what kind of BBQ sauce Youk dipped his ribs in last night because the stain on his shirt comes in so damn clear on my screen. Sorry extra dimension, I don't think I'll be seeing you in my home anytime soon.

Ok Red Sox, now you have upset me.

Behold the mountain of crap that is spewing from our beloved Fenway Park.

Aramark has substantially expanded Fenway Park’s vegetarian menu and added more options for fans with special dietary considerations. A new veggie burger, veggie dog, and spinach and mozzarella stromboli will join the lineup of existing vegetarian options like assorted salads, pizza, vegetarian burritos, hummus and fresh fruit cups. A growing list of gluten free items will include kettle corn, cookies, chips, and crackers.

Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. Look, maybe you don't want to dine on animal flesh every night like me and that's 100% cool... at 99% of the places in the world but you make a mother loving exception when are at Fenway Park. You make an exception for the Red Seat, for the Monster, for the Pole, for that giant piece of grass and dirt that you pay homage to every time you set foot inside that stadium, for that day my friends, you should eat meat. It's even debatable how much "meat" content there is in the hot dogs and burgers and burger dogs at Fenway, so how much veggie do you think is going to be in those burgers? I'll tell you how much; whatever is left over the last 10 years from the onion bin at the condiment stand, all nice and mashed up into a veggie paste for you.

Between the healthy Fenway eating and "Opening Day" being at 8 o'clock at night on Easter Sunday (the very thought is sending my brain into massive convulsions which I have saved up for my eminent later in the life heart attack) , the Red Sox and I have a few bones to pick already this year. Mr. Henry, I have my eyes on you... and your much younger and attractive wife. HA! Take that!

And now back to your regularly scheduled raining

I picture Tito being on the head of the Ark and Heidi and Amelie Benjamin being very hot commodities (pun slightly intended) as Teets and company head for drier land. Somehow there is some nice weather making its way into town for Sunday's opener, just another sign that even the big guy doesn't mess with the start of baseball season here in Boston.

Why isn't everyone on the ark you ask? I don't have all day people. Billable hours here. Gotta use the imagination sometimes.

Like Clockwork

There's a lot of things you can count on...

Tim Wakefield's club option - infinity

Mass Extinction - every 50-150 million years

Halley's Comet - every 75 years

Leap Year - every 4 years

Red Sox winning the World Series - every 3 years

2004. 2007. 2010. mark it 3, dude.

Can Schoeneweis channel his inner Mientkiewicz?

I am in total agreement with the Sox on the signing of Scott Schoeneweis. The one and only thing the Sox need are guys with more crazy names. Tug, Boof, Clay, Marco, and those are just the first names. The team needs a reincarnate of Mientkiewicz. Hell, it brought them some luck last time but now they get a crazy name guy for the entire year, as if Tug and Boof weren't enough to make it through the trade deadline.

According to my internal clock, and fancy "Red Sox Facts" calendar on my desk, it looks like we're 8 days out from baseball. I don't really know how many days there are in Hanukkah, but there should be a similar gift giving and nightly countdown for the baseball season.

The Legend of Daisuke Matsuzaka

My name, is Daisuke Matsuzaka.

In my native land I have thrown over 200 pitches in a single game.

In America, I go 5 1/3 while walking many and sometimes going down in flames.

The myth of my "gyro ball" grew far beyond its years.

In reality, it is a slider, thrown with a little more flair.

I work around the zone, picking my spots.

If I throw it down the middle, home runs they will hit, and I mean lots.

I fly back and forth to Japan at least once a week.

Writing that last line, I think I felt something tweak.

James Andrews, was it my arm? My shoulder? My leg.

No Daisuke, I'm afraid to say, it's all in your head.

Don't know if I felt oddly creative this morning, or Daisuke's old man face he's making above made me think he was some ancient warrior, or at least the star of an old Bruce Lee movie, and worthy of some sort of poem. Dicey did throw a few innings though without incident yesterday. Too bad it's snowing out today so I can't find the positive in anything.

8 more days.

I am the internet's Vanilla Ice

Its pretty common knowledge these days that there's only one universally accepted way to gauge where you stand in the world... and thats by comparing yourself to a rapper.

Well, Milton Bradley isn't about to be left out in the cold in the world of ridiculous metaphors. According to Milton, he's Major League Baseball's Kanye West.

"If I was a musician, I'd be Kanye West. If I was in the NBA, I'd be Ron Artest," the 31-year-old former Expo, Indian, Dodger, Athletic, Padre, Ranger and Cub said this week. "In baseball, they've got Milton Bradley. I'm that guy. You need people like me, so you can point your finger and go, 'There goes the bad guy."

yeah, okay Milton. The Cliff Notes version of his quote:

"Hi, I'm Milton Bradley. I'm f*cking crazy. Oh yeah, my parents named me after board games."

Dustin Pedroia: Gun slinger

The other day Dustin Pedroia answered some questions that honest, every day people like you and I would ask him. However they weren't exactly on the level of some of the questions Steve and I had in mind, like:

Dustin, if the baseball thing didn't work out we assume you would have been a jockey. Any idea what you would have named your horse?

Too bad the questions were about his favorite player growing up and other crap that doesn't really dive deeply into the psyche of the smallest MVP ever. If you noticed though, he does give away some incriminating evidence when he admits to "playing backgammon" on plane rides with some of the other guys on the team. Now I don't need to paint a Gilbert Arenas/Dustin Pedroia painting (that's my best shot up top there though if I did have to paint a picture) but I'm guessing if one of these guys don't pay up there could be some boyz in the hood action at 30,000 feet. Dustin, don't hurt 'em.

Dice is back

Daisuke faced 8 batters the other day. That's the news. 8 batters. It's like an ordinary inning for him. 2 walks, a single to load the bases, a double play, 2 more walks and then somehow face another few guys to make it 8 for the inning. I'm not sure if that's even how it went, but that's what I'm used to so I'll assume that's what happened.

We're in the low double digit days til baseball starts and we need it bad. Seems like the Celtics have been playing so bad lately I forgot they even exist. Then there's the B's. We already made a post about them the other day and two in one month would technically make us fans, so we can't have that. Come on baseball. I'm waiting.

Say it ain't so Sideburns

Joe Mauer did the unthinkable for a lot of money hungry (and catcher envious) teams out there and signed a monster 8 year deal with his home town Twins for $184 Million. He was supposed to be "the guy" in next years class of free agents. It was going to be another Sox/Yanks battle over who could pony up more cash, but now it will never be because side burns is staying put.

From a feel good perspective it's really cool to see a guy stay on the team where he came up through in the state he calls home. No doubt that Minnesota fans are getting their jollies off in one of their 10 thousand lakes: New stadium, big name home town guy, what could be better? I'll tell you what could be better. If you jerks in Minnesota let him walk so he'd march into Boston next year in a Sox uniform. I guess after Johan and Torii (two "i"s, how stupid) you guys can have one of em. Live it up mutton chops, we'll see ya in October.

I watched some spring traning yesterday

And I remembered why I don't watch baseball in March. It's more of a tease than the weather the last few days. I know eventually the good stuff will come but it's indefinitely 2 weeks out and there's nothing I can do about that but wait. I don't like waiting much. Never have. The only sensible thing I can think of to do is join as many fantasy baseball leagues as I can and strictly adhere to my rule of not picking any Yankees or guys with the letter "Q" in their name. Sorry Carlos Quentin and Chad Qualls. You will not be part of a championship run this year.

Next to come back from the dead: Mike Timlin

With the return of Alan Embree, the next logical step to get this team back into 2004 shape would be going down to whatever swamp house or log cabin Mike Timlin is currently holed up in, drag him out of there and tell him there's some business he needs to take care of. I for one would only assume that the news of his good buddy Alan coming back he'd be more than willing to forgo one summer of hunting whatever endangered species he is further endangering and get the ol' sinker sinking again.

And Duck Tours, you are welcome for the free advertising.

Come on Bruins

Don't mistake that for an official "Go Bruins" cheer or something like that, but more of a "Come on B's... why can't you be as good on the ice as your marketing team is at making some sweet ass commercials." All those "Bruins Rules" commercial, that's some good stuff. Much better than Pedroia jumping on a trampoline hitting a baseball into a parking but not quite as good as Schilling's cake selection for ESPN. Sure he was on the D'backs but still, fun to watch.

Props to Joe Thorton last night for taking down that Cook jerkass from Pittsburgh for his hit on Savard a few weeks ago. Woah, that was almost hockey knowledge being dropped. My radio was stuck on 98.5 so somehow some Bruins info snuck its way into my head.

For more good B's commercials, check it.

Bust your bracket

"Bracket" is going to be the phrase of the next few weeks. Just as the Winter Olympics take place when there are no other relevant sporting events, the NCAA tourney does the same. Baseball is painfully boring to watch, especially now that they've assigned a lot of the kids to the minors already, and basketball is just dragging on til the games become important. Hockey? Sure, whatever. Go watch your precious hockey. Jerk.

I am the worst bracketer in the history of the world. Granted I do little to no research on the teams, but I throw a few upsets in there and favor some of the teams that I at least recognize the names of. What do I get out of it? Usually losing $50 or whatever my buy-in is. The games start later today, and not much later than that I'll be sitting at my desk telling myself I have to at least double check the thing when I'm done so I make sure UTEP isn't in my final four... again.

Hope your bracket doesn't get busted. God, that's annoying isn't it? Bracket. Brack-ket. Bra-cket. I'm just pissing myself off now.

Where in the world is...

Ever wonder what Fenway would look like if it were displaced somewhere else in the world? Yeah, me neither. But its mid-March and this Red Sox team is boring as ever.

GoogleEarth, prepare to be exploited...

Fenway in Paris - Right where the Eiffel Tower is. The Frenchies gave us the Statue of Liberty, we give them a stadium where they can watch a sport they could care less about.

Fenway in Rome - I've seen both, and let me tell you, between the Coliseum and Fenway, they are both equally as precarious when it comes to wondering if a column will fall on you. Also, it could work the other way... have Roman gladiator battles at Fenway. I'd gladly sit in the 4-inch wide grandstand seats to see Josh Beckett fight a lion.

Fenway in London - Wembley Stadium. You thought soccer riots were crazy when they score a goal? Wait until Daisuke walks 6 batters in a row. Bedlam.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed our brief trip around the world (and straining your eyes trying to decipher the images above). Happy St. Patty's Day. Only 18 more days to go.

Mike Lowell: A Black Cat's Worth of Good Luck at First

Mike Lowell played first yesterday against the Orioles and the Sox lost 8-4. Coincidence? I friggin doubt it. Wake was pitching, so every time he wound up he probably saw Adrian Beltre at third but in the back of his head knew that Lowell was there somewhere, and something wasn't right. I give you Wake's train of thought:

• Check the sign. Oh, knuckle ball. Cool, I like that pitch.
• Check the back. Ouch, my back hurts.
• Give Mike Lowell a nod and a smile at third. Mike? He's in the lineup card. Where the hell is he?
• Let the knuckler fly. How am I supposed to do that? Where is Mike? MIKE?!?! Oh f*ck, he's at first. Damnit I forgot to check my back again!
• Wake goes down with a back injury. F*ck your mother, my back.

See. Having Lowell at first is like giving one of the Brady bunch kids some Hawaiian talisman and all of a sudden someone is drowning and there are spiders falling from the sky. Mikey, I'm sorry buddy but we can't have spiders in the clubhouse and you're going to have to find another position besides first.

Dice K aching and it's rainy and cold in March

The sun may have come up and went down as well, although lately it's tough to tell seeing as we're now all living in some underwater world in which soon oxygen will no longer be necessary because we will all adapt and grow gills. That hasn't happened around your parts yet? Well, it's about it to if this rain doesn't give it a friggin break soon. And Dice K is hurt. I'd be less surprised if my gills started coming in this week.

Also, regarding the Sox schedule this year: I usually take solace in the first game of the year and calling in sick to work to stay home and watch the game while eating myself into a coma, but this year opening day is on Easter? What the f*ck is up with that? If I wanted to spend time with my family and watch the Red Sox, well then I would go visit them. Now ham and Easter eggs and people asking "Where's Manny?" is going to try to sneak its way into a day I've been waiting for since last September. Yes, September. Thanks a lot Zombie Jesus. Thanks a whooooole lot.

Ryan Westmoreland's career in Jeopardy

Sorry for the seriousness of it, but Ryan Westmoreland is scheduled to undergo brain surgery next week and when it comes to playing with your brain you really don't know what's going to happen. Westmoreland was talked about all winter in trade talks and would have likely been one of the key cogs if anything went down with San Diego involving Adrian Gonzalez.

Why the picture of John Olerud? He had a similar procedure early in his career and became one of the staples of baseball in the mid '90s. John Olerud also has a great Rickey Henderson moment in his career, despite its questionable truth.

Both players arrive to play for the Seattle Mariners:
Rickey: Hey, what's that helmet for? Rickey played with a guy last year that wore a helmet like that.
Olerud: Yeah. That was me.

Regardless, good luck to you Ryan and we hope to see you happy and healthy and in Fenway sooner rather than later.

Dicky V already has March Madness

Now I know Dicky V loves him some college basketball, but I forgot he had such a long running history of loving the Hooters girls. That commercial is from a few years ago and is it just me or towards the end does Dicky do a little elbow-tittin' with that hooter on his right? I guess the over priced beer and those disgusting chicken wings (yes they are disgusting) just doesn't do it for Dicky anymore. Dicky, you so crazy.

I wish these games counted

But they don't. And I have to keep reminding myself of that because all of a sudden baseball is back and the Sox are winning and my mind doesn't realize it's only March so I want to get excited . But I shouldn't. I need to temper my expectations, to say the least. So I've put together a list of the best things that can come out of spring training this year:

• Sox carry some momentum into the regular season.
• John Lackey lends his voice to this awesome idea I have for "The Muppets: John Lackey Takes Manhattan"
• I sneak Jacoby Ellsbury into a local high school track event and put my monthly wages on "the new kid" winning by a mile.
• Kevin Youkilis listens to me and goes with the "Evil Villain" goatee to start the year.
• Mike Lowell gets fed up and punches someone, totally dismissing this "Stand Up Guy" aura he has floating around him, but then gets into Stand-up Comedy just to keep some of the "stand up" aura.
• Josh Beckett signs a new contract and includes his own "whiskey" clause which states when he's having a rough outing he's allowed to bring a flask to the mound with him to ease the nerves.

How many of those things will happen? Maybe the first one? Honestly though, I'll take any of them. I'll be crossing my fingers for the Lackey movie.

Nomar's one day contract

By now you've heard about Nomar's one day contract so he can retire a Sox. The biggest question is, what is Nomar doing to honor that contract for the day? We took a stab at things Terry might ask Nomie to do while he's kicking around for the day:

• Youk has some "thing" in his beard. Try and get it out.
• Hale is bored, go shag some grounders.
• Pedroia thinks eating raw chicken will make him grown 3 inches. Show him he's wrong. Or right. Whatever.
  
• Beckett wants to punch something.
• Lackey wants to punch something.
• JD Drew wants to punch something but probably won't.
• Remember Wakefield? He's still here. Thought I'd let you know. That's all.
  

Personally, I think it's a good idea to put the guy to work for a day. Make him earn his keep. Think there's any money involved in this deal?

You coulda been a contenda

I don't think anyone would ever remember Nomar as anything but a member of the Red Sox, but today he tried to make it official by signing a 1 day deal with the team then retiring. There was a time when Nomar spoiled the ever living f*ck out of us around here. I think they called it the late 90s. He would hit the baseball, plain and simple. He'd hit it a lot. We thought every prospect coming up would be another Nomar and this team of super Nomars would lead the Sox to the world series for decades to come and then Nomar would retire and become the new manager that would get in the cage and show guys how to hit the damn ball before the game. That never really came to fruition.

My favorite Nomie memory is being at work watching an afternoon game on a tiny black and white tv in the shipping room. It was his birthday game where he hit 3 HRs and the Sox destroyed the Devil Rays by like 38 runs, which was actual below average because the Devil Rays really sucked back then.

You pick em up

And Wake will put em down. In an almost jinxing fashion, after telling Josh Beckett yesterday that he shouldn't waste all his awesome in spring training, Wake goes out and throws a few innings of shut out ball against the Marlins, successfully wasting some of his awesome in games that don't count. These guys gotta watch out or they're going to use up all their good mojo for the season. Please note my letter to John Lackey regarding his next outing:

Dear J-Lacks,

Please get shelled. It will help you later in the year. And I want to see you get wicked angry and yell at stuff and/or people/JD Drew.

Thanks,

Jon

PS. Sorry about the "sloth" thing we ran a few months ago. We didn't mean it.

PPS. We were thinking you sound more like a muppet anyway.

I am sure I hate spring training

I am strange in some respects. Depending on who you talk to you will get a different answer on how strange and how many respects, but one thing that I'm weird about is I think there is a set number of times something is allowed to happen in a given amount of time. Call it chance, probability, law of averages, Murphy's Law, Law of Gravity, Newton's Law of Figgs, whatever it is, it's just what I think. Let me explain in example form:

Josh Beckett threw a few perfect innings the other day. My belief is that he only gets so many perfect innings every year. I'm not saying God (Allah, Jebus, whomever you desire) gives him "x" amount of innings or his body is capable of only so many innings, but it is fact that this year he will only have "x" innings of perfection and a few of those were wasted on a spring training game the other day.

I should be happy Big Josh is bringing his A-game in March, but I'm not. I think he's wasting perfectly good awesomeness too early in the season. Kind of following the same pattern of thinking, or not thinking, maybe he should get the crappy stuff out of the way now to make room for the good stuff for the season? Bad things work the same way as the good, he only has so many crappy innings in him too, so leave a few curves up in the zone in March. Hell, you might even trick a few guys into thinking you've lost a tick off the heater, but you're really just saving up your awesome-juice for when it counts.

I know. It makes no sense. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the way I think too. We can call it "The Law of Jon". It will be one of those laws that no one really follows, like J-walking or 2nd degree murder. Some how this way of thinking has got me 28 years deep into life. Who woulda thought?

Deserving

Ever stay up a little too late to watch non-sensical television? Well, I did tonight, because I have some idiotic fascination to see who won Best Picture... just one of those yearly events I randomly like to see live, mainly because I love seeing the losers squirm and give their best fake smile.

Anyways, this year I was genuinely happy that The Hurt Locker took home the coveted prize over that drawn out horseshit fantasy flick. If you haven't seen this amazing film about Iraq combat, do yourself a favor and order/ on-demand/ queue it soon. Even if war movies aren't your thing, the realism conveyed about the daily bullshit soldiers have to deal with is something that shouldn't be ignored. Well done, and I'm glad it got the recognition. ::parkours off soapbox::

Also, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, 2010 is going to be a good year...

The Dude won best actor!

Youk puts his money where his facial hair is.

Or maybe his mouth where his money is? His hair where his mouth is? F*ck I don't know. What I do know is that Youk is letting all of us fine hard working men and women vote (for a buck) on the look of his facial hair come opening day. I guess there are only 3 or 4 options you can vote for, but I'd like to put a write in vote for "Evil Villain/Rollie Fingers/Handlebar mustache" if possible. He wouldn't even need mustache wax (yes they have it) for the handlebar, he could just use the ample supply of sweat that is constantly dripping off his gleaming bald dome to smooth that sucker into a 'stache that would make Eck cream in his pants. I'm also partial to the "box car" as featured above.

Sticking with the Prince Fielder theme

The guy is creative. The "bomb" thing. Awesome. Now that he's been hit because of the celebration I can only imagine that makes a guy like him want to hit a walk off even more and do an even awesomer dance party at the plate. Prince, we've got a few ideas for you.

• Shoot em down - Not a knock at Gilbert Arenas, but how about you get to the plate, pull out the guns and start laying fools down.
• Hamburglar - Hey, Prince is fat. Phat too, but for all intents and purposes, fat right now. Cross the plate, put on the eye mask and down a few burgers. Hmm. That sounded better in my head.
• Strike - Work with the bomb thing except have the guys at the plate line up like bowling pins, and this is where it gets tough, Prince has to somersault across the plate and knock everyone down.

What say you, Bud? Can we expect another "all star game" face out of you if Prince hurls himself in a ball across the plate into his teammates?

Getting back at someone for being awesome

That's pretty much what Barry Zito did to Prince Fielder yesterday because of that whole "bomb" celebration last year. (see the nicely inserted picture above) Zito wasn't even pitching when Prince went bridge 6 months ago against SF but it didn't matter much to Zito. From the looks of it, it didn't matter much to Prince either because his mighty back fat kind of just rejected the ball from his body and he quietly jogged down to first. No brawl, nothing more than Prince getting poked. The one thing that will make me watch National League baseball this year, well besides my addiction to fantasy baseball, is seeing what other celebrations Prince can come up with.

And so it begins

I like movies that come in 3's. Back to the Future, Lord of the Rings, Mighty Ducks. In The Two Towers I think that king guy above was specifically thinking about the Red Sox season when he so meaningfully said "And so it begins." He's right. It begins now. I know the games don't count and we're primarily watching guys that might be a year or two away from Fenway but since I haven't seen the sun in what seems like 2 weeks now I need something to keep me going. Now if March could just quickly move along making way for April that would be great.

Man getting hit in groin by football

Ah my groin. That's probably what Mike Cameron is saying because his groin is sore and he'll miss the ever important first fake game of the fake season. We can only hope he injured it in some comedic way like reenacting the "football to the groin" a al Hans Moleman.

Holy crap baseball starts in 2 days.

I've been in kind of a weather funk as of late and today I pulled myself out to see that there is some sort of actual baseball that will be played in less than 48 hours. Sure the game will be abbreviated in every possible meaning of the word but it's still baseball. Ground balls, pop ups, for Christ sake in 2 days we might see a f*cking hit and run. Do you know how long I've waited for a hit and run? Too long. Far too long. In less than 2 days it's going to be baseball season. Try to get your head around that one.

Now for what seems like my nightly movie post. For some reason Out Cold (the best movie featuring the state of Alaska) was on the Encore Love channel. Yes I love this movie, but I'm not really sure why Encore Love would show it. If you haven't seen the movie (may a piano fall on your head) there is very little love in it, besides the love between a man and a hot tub or mechanical bull. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for a reason for the movie to be on, but take it as a sign that this snow crap all over the places means I should go snowboarding. I smell a non-scheduled sick day. Encore Love channel is getting in my head... and I like it.

Oh look, yaaaay hockey. Catch the hockey fever!

Uh oh, now it's over because USA lost. I'm not a fan of the NHL, probably never will be, but hockey in the Olympics is played at a different speed. A speed so high and intense it had me sitting down at 3:15 yesterday actually anticipating watching the gold medal game. Then the game started and I lost interest 8 minutes in.

I don't know why I don't like hockey. I should like it. It's fast, there are a lot of fights, people checking each other, guys throwing themselves in front of a puck flying 80 MPH, the general lack of teeth. I just can't get into it and I don't know why. I have my annual 'Bruins Sit Down' where I grab a few beers and one of every item from Wendys and then I sit down in front of a B's game and try to watch but before I'm even done with the second batch of chicken nuggets I find myself greasing up the remote surfing for some Nicholas Cage movie. I'm sorry, hockey. I'll probably try again sometime soon because of all this Olympic hoop-la, but I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Now that I think of it though. All The Mighty Ducks movies and Sudden Death with JCVD are good movies. There you go, I'm a hockey fan and I didn't even know it. Wait, I'm a huge hockey fan. NHL '95 for the Sega Genesis. Best game ever. See hockey, I knew I'd come around.