Saturday, October 31, 2009

Top 10 Sox Moments of 2009: Number 6 - Youk Goes Postal

August 11th. I remember it well. After back to back ass whoopings in Tampa Bay and New York the Sox went home and the Tigers came to town. Youk got hit the first game of the series and after he got beaned the second time in two nights he got himself all riled up. We covered it here, and here. After Youk threw the helmet many people will say Porcello won the fight from there, but any fight where Kevin Youkilis is laying on top of you, sweating his sweaty face all over you, well I don't call that a victory. In his own words, Youk was a "pin cushion" for a lot of teams to take their frustration out on leading up to that blow-up, so I guess we all should have seen it coming? Whomever the victor was (a soggy Porcello possibly), it was something to see Kevin Youkilis at his breaking point.

Also, NESN, the show "Batter's Box"? I know baseball is over but come on. First dating shows, then that Fitzy guy quizzing people but now you bring in sad, lonely New Englanders who have spent their lives building up the knowledge to answer questions like how many players were officially on the team roster in 1995. The answer is 55, which someone answered correctly but to his credit it was multiple choice, so he's not THAT much of a chooch. I don't care for the show. Plain and simple. However, make Heidi the host and you might have something...

Friday, October 30, 2009

AJ Burnett is a scumbag

Technically all Yankee players are scumbags in at least one way or another, but something about AJ irks me to an A-rod level. Maybe it's the stupid tattoos (what is that a pi symbol on his hand?) or his white trashy looking exterior, I'm not really sure. AJ is usually good for one inning of implosion per game but I guess he picked a good time (relative opinion) to not walk 8 guys and throw 13 wild pitches, which would be conducive of a regular game for him.

Maybe after game 1 the joy of the Yankees losing blinded me and made me forgot I was listening to Buck and McCarver so I didn't get that sharp stabbing pain in my brain, but last night was a different story. They were suckling on the teet of Pedro for what seemed like a fortnight and I think it got to an obsessive point when old man McCarver "recalled" a cheese game he played against Pedro in which Petey moved the pieces with his mind and somehow beat Tim with only a pawn. The story was a perfect example of how smart Pedro was, which was the point of their rambling for the first hour of the broadcast. Now as Sox fans we've always felt shunned by the terrible two-some when it's Sox/Yanks, but is it possible that Fox and the Ambiguously Gay Duo hate the Yankees? I don't think so, but apparently there are some delusional people out there that might think that way.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Chase Utley: Ruiner of New York Dreams

Awww look, it's Chase Utley (and his ridiculously hot wife) holding puppies. How cute. This is EXACTLY what the Phils wanted the Yanks to think of Chase, that he's a nice puppy holder, when it's just not true at all. Chase Utley is that guy from the horror movie that will wait under your bed til you come home and when you sit down that's when he'll cut up your Achilles like a friggin jack-o-lantern (halloween theme there). THEN after that he'll hit 2 home runs off you. All in the day of the life a guy named Chase. That Cliff guy didn't do too shabby either.

Now we turn our attention to tonight and again to Pedro. I watched a lot of the game last night and I was near cheering on the Phils so this Pedro start feels special. Pretty sure he thinks it's special too, or at least he thinks he is special because he said this; I don't know if you realize this, but because of you guys in some ways I might be at times the most influential player that ever stepped in Yankee Stadium, ... I can honestly say that. He's not Pedro of old, but the dudes pills have tripled in size since 2004.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What are the chances?

What are the chances that we get to see this on Thursday night when Pedro goes up against his daddy in NYC? The only thing that would make me watch more than just ESPN highlights of this series was if Pedro was going to be pitching in New York so I'd like to thank that goofy country good ol' boy Charlie Manuel for making that happen and making the above picture a possibility, however far fetched it may be.

In other incredibly important breaking news, banana hammock connoisseur Gabe Kapler (Google it if you must) resigned with the Rays and former Red Sox mandatory old man coach guy Brad Mills is the new Astros head coach. Mills has experience coaching in the minors and has reportedly won 3 of his last 5 fantasy leagues.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A truce...

So its the Yanks and Phils in the World Series. I, for one, will not be watching it. Not because I despise both teams and their respective cities and stand to gain nothing by watching it, but because I just have too much fly-fishing to do.

Anyways, because I really don't want either team to win, and because I am the key demographic for the MLB and they should listen to every idea I pose, I suggest that they just cancel the 2009 World Series and simply cut the trophy in half and give a piece to each team. Thats the only way this can be solved and simutaneously make me happy. Its what I'd like to dub the Newman Method (Kramer will play the part of the Phillies):

NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
KRAMER: Newman!
::Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality::
NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise that you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?
KRAMER: Uh, yeah.
NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.
::Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave::
NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
::Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen::

::Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration::
NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm?

::Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up::
NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man...
::Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards::
NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
ELAINE: What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!

::Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried::
ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. Cut the stupid thing in half.
KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
ELAINE: What?!
KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
::Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard::
ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?!
KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.
::Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes::

Monday, October 26, 2009

Awwww f*ck

Well, so much for seeing Jeter on the golf course next week. I don't know if I can take a Yankee world series. All this anti-rooting really tires a guy out. The one thing the Phils have on their side, besides all that baseball talent and whatnot, is that the show Always Sunny in Philadelphia is 100% behind the Phils, and definitely rooting for Chase Utley.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Top 10 Sox Moments of 2009: Number 7 - Pedroia keeps his uniform clean

This is the one and only photo of Dustin Pedroia in a clean uniform. Go ahead, Google it. Ok, don't. However, it is one of the very few times he's let anyone catch a glimpse of him not covered in dirt. I can't even count the number of times Eck, DO or Remy have commented on how he is diving on the first play of every game. Thanks for being so dirty, Dustin. Thank you very much.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Top 10 Sox Moments of 2009: Number 8 - Daniel Bard likes PBR

And by PBR we mean "PapelBon Replacement". Facts are facts and sleeping mistresses tied up under your bed are just that, sleeping mistresses tied up under your bed, and Bard is most likely going to replace Papelbon as this teams closer at some point. The great Jonny Pap already has a track record of running his mouth saying how much he thinks he's worth and how he can't wait to test the free agent waters and while there is no doubt he's done one hell of a job here, the signs are pointing in the the direction of letting him go. The shoulder problems, his walk rate is rising, his pending lawsuit against all those drunk Irish guys who he said "stole his jig(dance)", all matters to take into consideration. Maybe he gets one more year here, maybe he's packaged up and shipped out of Boston (slight pun intended) for a left handed bat or maybe him and Bard split the duties while arguing over who can grow the weaker facial hair. Unless traded Bard will be the closer of the future until the same thing happens with him in 4 years.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Even if the Yankees win at least we have this incriminating A-rod evidence

That picture more or less speaks for itself. For those of you reading this via braille (we broadcast in braille, right?) I'll explain the picture because I'm guessing there aren't really enough tiny little bumps on any piece of paper that can really describe what's going on. A-rod is not just in mid "grab-ass" he's more in the middle of something that would get most of the general population thrown in jail for an undisclosed length of time. That is an angry, angry ass grab right there. He's tearing one of Jeet's hambags rights off his waist and he's got a straight on kung-fu grip on that thing.

Hey Angels, wake the f*cking monkey up and open this thing back up tonight.

Are you almost ready for some boring World Series action?!?!?

Well, if you're not, you better get ready. The Phils finished off the supposedly invincible Dodgers last night and are waiting for the Yanks/Angels winner to step forward so then they can begin what will surely be a boring ass World Series. Yes the chance of Pedro possibly throwing against NY again is worth watching a few pitches of, but this is an oft-injured, 5 year older Pedro who has been reduced to the back of the rotation and from the looks of it Don Zimmer is nowhere to be found on the Yankee bench so the whole blood bath thing is thrown out the window.

If you're the Dodgers, you have to be kicking yourself over the Manny contract right now. He has a $20mil PLAYER option next year which means he can go back to the DR or Miami or where ever he spends his off-season, relax, shoot up a few female hormones and then just silly-ly stroll back into LA next year and put Torre one step closer to a heart attack while collecting a pretty sweet check.

I'm definitely not going to rally the LAA troops (they have a Monkey for that who is much more capable than I) but Lackey needs to step up and see if the Angels can't pull some '04 magic out of their Monkey asses and at least send this thing back to NY to see if A-rod and Co. can flop in front of the home town crowd.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Top 10 Sox Moments of 2009: Number 9 - A Very Brady Shortstop

That my friends is A Very Brady Shortstop... with Heidi in the middle instead of Alice because lately with all this post season BS we've totally ignored all that is Heidi. Mmmm, Heidi. Anyways, this year the Sox had 6 different guys at short; Lugo, Green, Lowrie, Gilly V, Chris Woodward and A-gon. Then I threw in Edgar and O-Cab because they are probably of most recent memory to everyone. Why is this a top moment you ask? Well, it's really not but with all the talk of needing a big bat and resigning Bay or grabbing Holliday this off-season, the whole rotating door at SS kind of gets lost in the mix until the season starts and everyone starts baggin' on Nick Green or Jed Lowrie for not being All-Star material.

My apologies for putting Chris Woodward next to Heidi. That is most likely the closest he will ever get to Ms. Watney. I heard she likes to be called "Ms. Watney".

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Shame on you, Mariano

Mariano cheats. and gets away with it. no evidence? the video of him looking around to see if anyone was looking and then spits on the baseball? thats not evidence? Must have been Rodney King night at the ballpark.

The Cheese's top 10 Sox moments of 2009: Number 10

We'll go one by one. Maybe one a day, maybe 2, really depends on how much time we have to kill in a single day. I'll start off the list.

My number 10 moment from this last year is more of a span than a moment and that span is old man Wakefield going 10-3 between the start of the season and mid June. You never know what to expect from Wake but getting 10 wins out of 15 starts (two NDs) is one hell of a start to the season for a guy that has been pitching for 72 years in the MLB and has never thrown a pitch faster that his age. To top it off, Timmy then goes and gets selected for his first All-Star game ever in his 87 year career but Joe "Big Glasses" Maddon chooses to leave Wake on the bench the whole game while plenty of Sox fans argued there were many a times he could have plugged him in. The rest of the year for Wake kind of read like an old civil war diary; injuries, battles lost, never really making it back to full strength.

With Wake's open contract the way it is, there's a good chance we'll get to see the knuckler float around Fenway for another year. The bigger question is going to be more of who is going to catch him. Paging Pasta Pants Mirrabelli?!?!

Monday, October 19, 2009

In these lonely days I turn my eyes to you.

That's right, to you Patriots. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm a fair weather banwagon Patriots fan. Even when there's snow on the ground my mind is on baseball. However on the occasional Sunday afternoon it's nice to get into the spirit of football by eating and drinking enough to make you explode. The home team winning 59-0 also helps the cause.

I don't necessarily follow the Patriots closely, but my fantasy sports addiction (and slight gambling "issue") requires me to have an invested interest in anything and everything having to do with points, spreads and individual player performances and sometimes while the ticker is going by at the bottom of the screen I catch some actual football being played. So what's the deal with all the throwback crap lately? The Titans are the Oilers this week, last week the Broncos wore some sh*t that looked like an effed up candy cane and it seems like the Pats have been rocking the old log (see above) for a few games in a row now? Sadly, it all looks better than the Sox and their stupid ass hanging Sox logo for those special Friday night games. This is what I've been reduced to without baseball. Uniforms. Christ.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Angels look like the Red Sox

And it don't look good. I didn't stay up and watch the whole thing, but I got enough of the ESPN cliff notes to see that the A-rod HR in extras would not have been a HR in any other park in the world. Between that and the game winning error, it looked like the Angels didn't want to win, kind of like how the Sox looked pulse-less through most of September and in the first round.

Check out MLB Trade Rumors for a good article on what the Sox options are at short stop this off-season. The Miggy Tejada possibility sounds interesting, but I think that's my inner Sox Management talking: He's older, might come cheap, definitely not the player he used to be and as Theo always puts it "a good risk/reward" signing.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

If a team wins the ALCS and no one is there to see it...

Does it really happen? Yesterday at this time you could still buy Yankee/Angels ALCS tickets. That little slice of heaven in the Bronx seats 52,325 but let the record show the reported attendance of the game was 49,688. That's a good 2,500+ tickets that weren't sold to the supposedly "best fans in the world" in the "best city in the world" for the "best team in the world" and the stadium that is supposed to revolutionize the stadium world. No quotes needed on that last one. Whatever it says, there was no sellout in Yankee Town.

And in case you're wondering. Grab a pair of tickets to today's game, which starts in less than 5 hours. It will only run you a taaaaaaaaaad over $1,600 bucks for their best seats available.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Just lose

It seems like it's been forever since baseball has mattered. This morning, it's f*cking snowing out. What the hell happened? I can guarantee, if the Sox were in the playoffs still I'd be thinking about golfing this weekend but instead I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that it's mid October and there's god damn snow falling from the sky. However, I've heard a rumor that they are still playing the ALCS, NLCS and most likely the world series to boot, regardless of Boston participation. I have one request out of all this. Please, someone make the Yankees lose. In my thirst for anything baseball I've been forced to read blogs and listen to the radio and everyone keeps bringing up this Teixiera jerk and how it was a turning point for the Yanks and the downfall of the Sox. I wish him the worst. Over the years I've had my beef with nearly every Yankee for one reason or another, but this guy is starting to take the spot light away from A-rod, which is a tough thing to do. Both of them were supposedly "so close" to signing with the Sox and the Yankees somehow stole them both away and now this mega-Yankee team is what we have to put up with come October. It's starting to make me sick. For the sake of baseball and to keep the earth spinning, someone just beat the Yankees. I'll even take the boring-ass Phils to repeat and have to listen to that crap for another 5 months rather than seeing A-rod and Tex spooning with the trophy between them while Jeets is running around spraying his cologne on everyone. So, for my birthday (which may or may not be in July) all I really want is for the Yankees to not win the world series this year. Simple request from a simple man.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cash money

Pop quiz.
How much will Bronson Arroyo make next year?
A. $3.75 million
B. $5.25 million
C. $11 million
D. Nothing, the Reds pay him in hot dogs.

The answer... C. $11 million. The same amount that will be paid to 12 construction workers in overtime next year to f*ck up traffic on 128.
But seriously, Bronson Arroyo will make $11 million, which will put him on a near 'ace' pay scale. You all remember him, right? The same guy who was a back end of the rotation guy in Boston at best. To his credit, he's been decent to mediocre, albeit against weak opponents in the NL Central. The American dollar must be worth less in Cincinnati.

I'd like to think the negotiations went something like this...
Bronson: "I'd like $5 million, please. And I'm not budging."
Reds: "We're prepared to give you $11mil."
Bronson: "Wow, really? I'll take it. Where do I sign?"
Reds: "But you have to promise to never make that god awful music that you make. ever. no guitars in the clubhouse. If I even hear you humming a song in the hallway, you're gone, bub."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Rumor is Tim Hudson is available

For the record, this is my rumor milling and no one else's. That's not me saying "Hey, I'm Jon, I'm on the pulse of trade rumors because I write in a stupid blog." it's more along the lines of this here check list that it seems Theo and Co. seem to go by when selecting free agents:
  1. Hudson is past his prime, speaking in terms of pitchers (34 y/o this year) - Check
  2. He is recovering from injury - Check
  3. He was a premier guy once before and is on the comeback trail - Check
  4. He is most likely to decline an option with his current team worth $12 mil to go into free agency where he'll get an incentive based deal until he shows he can pitch again.
Let's see. Who does that remind me of? Oh yeah, that fat guy. What was his name? Bartolo Colon. Hmm, that's one. Oh yes, Brad Penny. And that other old guy. Smoltz? Yes, John Smoltz. And for the hell of it I'll throw in Eric Gagne and David Wells, although Wells was worth it if not just for the entertainment and I don't recall him ever being injured, unless you count being a fat booze hound as an incurable injury.

It's sad that the season is 2 days removed and I'm already dissecting moves that are months away. At least as I listen to the radio I realize I'm not the only one doing so.

John Smoltz still wants to play

Yup, Old Man River doesn't feel like hanging it up quite yet. Lucky for us Sox fans, he's saying he wants to stay with the Cards in the NL. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the 8+ ERA he had here in Boston or that whole thing how he totally choked here in pretty much every humanly possible. Soon the trade rumors will start and everyone will get all worked up over Bay and Holliday and trading away Paps and what to do with the whole Youk/Martinez/Lowell trifecta. At least it will be an interesting off season of second guessing and rumor-milling. Who am I kidding, the first week after "the lose" is the worst. NESN should run Heidi highlights all off-season, or at least re-runs of every Sox victory last year.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I'll bring up the positive

While yesterday sucked something serious, it doesn't sting nearly as much as '03. Yup, that's my positive. Yes it sucks, but it's not as bad as we've seen before. I'd rather see them lose in the first round via la sweep instead of going to the next round and totally breaking our hearts, or in this case even winning one game and giving us any chance of sniffing the ALCS.

The one thing I don't agree with is everyone saying "this team wasn't built to win" or something to that extent. The playoffs are all about who gets hot at the right time and until Jonny Paps came around last night there was a glimmer of hope with the offense actually showing a pulse.

I'll change that frame of mind in about 2 days.

As for The Cheese, we'll be here all winter. We'll cover the playoffs, trades, or whatever. And when I say 'cover', I mean make fun of everything and offer very little baseball insight.

The way I always like to think about it that now we root for the Angels. It hurts, yes, but you always want to be beat by the best. I still don't like the stupid Rally Monkey and I won't openly show enthusiasm for Torii Hunter, but if they win then TECHNICALLY the Sox were the 2nd or 3rd best team in the AL.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Worst day of sports ever

Sox lost. Pats lost. Yanks won. A horrible day of professional athletics. My saving grace this Sunday evening? Spongebob Squarepants. I love that little sonuvabitch. Oh, and my beer league baseball team won their first championship this weekend. glorious. simply glorious.

Ah yes, Jason Varitek, tee time for 4.

Yes, tomorrow will work just fine thank you. I don't have anything else going on.


Holy f*cking Sh*t. 3 runs in the top of the 9th. Game is still going on. I can't feel my left arm. I think it's a heart attack. Holy f*ck.


Juan Rivera just stole second base easily. Juan Rivera. For those not familiar with his stats, he stole exactly zero bases during the regular season. I'm close to quitting here.


Daniel Bard sucks.
Josh Beckett sucks.
Clay Buchholz sucks.
Paul Byrd sucks.
Jon Lester sucks.
Daisuke Matsuzaka sucks.
Hideki Okajima sucks.
Jonathan Papelbon sucks.
Ramon Ramirez sucks.
Takashi Saito sucks.
Billy Wagner sucks.
Victor Martinez sucks.
Jason Varitek sucks.
Alex Gonzalez sucks.
Casey Kotchman sucks.
Mike Lowell sucks.
Jed Lowrie sucks.
Dustin Pedroia sucks.
Kevin Youkilis sucks.
Brian Anderson sucks.
Jason Bay sucks.
J.D. Drew sucks.
Jacoby Ellsbury sucks.
Joey Gathright sucks.
David Ortiz sucks.

Consider yourself reverse-jinxed, 2009 Boston Red Sox. Now go win one for the gipper. For the record, I'm the gipper.

Damn the series, win tonight.

The biggest thing I remember about '04 was that little bit of Millar they caught on camera with him saying something that goes like this: Don't let us win tonight. This is a big game. They've got to win because if we win we've got Pedro coming back today and then Schilling will pitch Game 6 and then you can take that fraud stuff and put it to bed. Don't let the Sox win this game.

This is a different team but the message remains the same. They win during lunch today and tomorrow they can bring back Lester. Back in LAA they throw Beckett at them. Yes this is a different team that has looked like they are resting on their 2 world series wins in the last 4 season for the last month, but that deep down taint handing blood sucking vibe is down there somewhere, it's just a matter of if they let it out today or Wednesday on the golf course. These next 2 games are why the Sox lost to the Royals in September. The Angels want to win tonight, but they know they don't have to. That little tiny bit of doubt is what the Sox need to feed on and get the mojo back on their side.

Get up Angels fans, baseball is almost on and you're about to lose.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Panic Button Pushed

I know all about 2004. I know nothing is over til it's over but it sure as hell doesn't make the downswing any easier. I like that today is an off day because 1 run over the last 18 innings means the boys need some refreshing. They're probably home by now with their respective wives/hired escorts/Jessica Biel clones and relaxing this morning just trying to get their bearings back. Me, I'm taking the baseball day off. No sports radio, no ESPN, no NESN. (I'll just google Heidi Watney if I miss NESN.) I suggest we all do the same. Definitely on the Googling front. During the games the Sox need our concentrated efforts to root them on, but they also need to know we are all properly relaxing and taking time away from the game so we, the fans, can be refreshed for tomorrows plain up stupid 12:07 start time. Selig rant... rising... must... hold... off. Damn you Bud!!!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Eff you Rally Monkey

Someone get on making this shirt!!! It will revolutionize the T-shirt business in Boston and come in quite handy for Sunday and Monday. Once that stupid little guy starts bouncing around bad things are bound to happen and me no likie.

While watching last nights game, I came up with some positives and negatives.
+ D.O. announcing was pretty sweet.
- Obviously the Sox lost.
- Orsillo didn't sign the "Watney" clause that makes it possible to have Heidi on the sidelines instead of that Gap model they found in the studio.
+ Lackey isn't scheduled to pitch again til game 5.

Now, we move on. Tonight there is an evil, evil man by the name of Joshua Patrick Beckett waiting to seek revenge on last years 9+ ERA post season performance and right the wrongs of last night. Jinxes be damned, tonight Beckett tears some hearts out Indiana Jones style and gets the Sox right back in this thing just in time for Boston. Only another 15 hours til the game starts. Friggin west coast.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Hi, I'm Buck Martinez. I don't know when to shut the f*ck up. Also, I have more twang in my voice than a banjo.

D to the O

Hi, I'm Don Orsillo. I'll be announcing your playoff game tonight.
I have an enormous forehead.

What happened? I think blacked out.

You know when you leave your house and your dog is all excited because he thinks he's coming with you? He goes to the door but you have to do the whole "Sorry, you can't come, you have to stay home" and shut the door hoping not to close it on his paws. Well he sits at that door for the next 3, 5, 10, 18 hours til you come stumbling in through that door and he never moves, except maybe to take a dump on the nearest carpet. Regardless, it's not just a coincidence that he's in the same exact spot when you come home, it's because dogs have no sense of time and don't understand the difference between waiting there for 5 minutes or 5 hours. I like to compare myself to one of those dogs when playoff time comes around. I kind of blacked out and lost track of time over the last week or two and finally now that baseball is back and it counts again, I'm so wound up I might just piss all over the floor and sh*t on your upholstery. I never claimed to be well behaved, or house broken for that matter, just a Red Sox fan with a problem or two.

Rally Monkey be damned, tonight it's taint handing time.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

That sick feeling

Maybe it's some strange obsession with wanting to inflict pain upon myself, but I'm watching the Yankees/Twins game and I'm not sure which event just made me sicker; The top notch announcing team of Caray, Sager and Darling gently massaging A-rods nut sack and proclaiming that "The streak is over" when he hit an RBI single OR Kate Hudson jumping up and down in glee because her cheating boy-toy finally got that RBI. Closely behind is Matsui roping one to center off the ghost of Fransico Lirano. I am literally trembling at the thought of who TBS could possibly be saving to announce the Sox/Halo's series.

Well hold the phone, if this here is correct, we could be in for a treat of D.O. doing the Sox games. Of course Buck Martinez as a counterpart isn't exactly a treat, but the D.O. thing seems to good to be true. I haven't paid much attention to any announcements on who is doing what, but this could be a nice little surprise.

Educated Cheese Playoff Predictions

Sure it's October 6th, but today officially marks the beginning of October because the playoffs start today. So with that, we'd like to offer our thoughts here at the Cheese, in mock form of course. You see, the Globe likes to do these cutesy little playoff prediction things every year, where they liquor up the CHB and Bobby Ryan and get little quips from them on who they like in the division series. Well, the Cheese will not be outdone. Click on the Cheese staff predictions below for more...

Sleep it up tonight kids

Because tomorrow, it begins. 9 f*cking 37 PM EST (that's 9:37) start time on Thursday and Friday night. Don't we usually get one afternoon game out of this annual Angel taint handing? When games are on that late I feel robbed of my rooting powers because to be quite honest, after 11 PM unless I am fully medicated on Sam Adams I just don't have it in me to be swearing and throwing stuff at the tv like it's 8 o'clock. Does this mean we can inconvenience Angels fans by starting Sundays game at a Marathon Monday-esque 11 AM, so 8 AM for them? The playing field needs to be leveled somewhat.

In case you were the one not watching last night, the Twinkies won in the 12th and this guy, Brian Duensing, will be facing probable Cy Young runner up CCheeseburger Sabathia in game 1 tonight. Yup, I see that series going the distance. I think 99% of the country was rooting for the Tigers and everyone had the "Well at least Verlander can go twice" mentality as the only way to take down the Yanks, but when a team is hot and gets zero rest and zero respect, they can be dangerous. Are the Twins dangerous? Sweet Brian Duensing I hope so.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Chip off the old...

Dear Chip Caray,
Yup, you. The dork on the left in that picture. Grandson of the great Cubs announcer Harry Caray (center), and son of longtime Braves announcer Skip Caray (right). You, sir, are a jackass. For the last few years we've been exposed to your horrid, McCarver-like broadcasting skills, something you clearly missed out on when your genes were being passed out. And now, on the eve of the division series on TBS, Ted Turner is sitting in Atlanta with a cigar in his mouth, and twirling his moustache, trying to figure out which announcers he's going to send to which playoff series (I know they put Ted in charge of this stuff). And I pray that they don't send you and your over-reacting ways to southern California to commentate Sox-Angels. I will be forced to give you the Joe Morgan treatment and put you on mute, which only makes it more difficult for me, because then I have to make all the basebally sound effects myself. Chip, I invite you to go to hell and stay the f*ck away from my playoff baseball.

Sincerely and respectfully yours,
Educated Steve

(also, this game is f*cking nuts... gotta love 1-game playoffs... desperation is an entertaining thing.)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Coors Field: I knew you well.

Not that well, but I was there on Thursday afternoon when the Rocks officially clinched a playoff spot. Notice my "crazy good" camera skills throughout all these photo.

There it is. Coors Field. We walked up, got bleacher seats (which are all bench seats) for $10 on the day of the game. You can see the upper deck there is no where near filled.

Lots of open seats. In their defense, it was a 1pm game on a Thursday. Not in their defense, it's a friggin playoff clinching game on a picture perfect day in an absolutely beautiful city. It's probably my biggest gripe for big stadiums in smaller baseball markets: no one wants to go to the games. Why build a cathedral if only 10% of the locals are religious? I hate going to new stadiums (no I don't) because it makes me want a new Fenway. It's a debate worth of its' own post, so some day it will get it but for now, more pretty pictures.
That there is Dinger. He's a purple dinosaur and he's the mascot for the Rockies. Why is the Rockies mascot a purple dino? Well, my guess goes like this. There's a lot of Rocks in Colorado. In the rocks there are fossils. The coolest fossils are of dinosaurs, well that and those things that look like dinosaurs but aren't really, like the little monkey guys. Dino wins. So, bring back the dino, make him big and purple and boom, you got a mascot. He shoots T-shirts, plays with the kids, drinks straight vodka and prances around the park for most of the afternoon.

Nice set up, great city, strange mascot and a few fans even stood up to me and told me "You're lucky we let you in with that Sox hat on." That was cool. Overall I was a fan.

Vacations are awesome

Coming back to work is not. Even if the vacation is short, it's nice to get away. I went on a trip to Colorado, caught the Rockies game where they clinched a playoff spot in front of MAYBE 20k people on a picturesque afternoon and was asked to politely leave because I was wearing my Sox hat and sweat shirt. Are they still upset about 07?? Who knew Coloradoians could be so gosh darn rude? Later today I'll have more of a post with some fancy photographs that I took of a half empty stadium and a purple dinosaur named Dinger that is the Rock's mascot. The coolness of it all.

Friday, October 2, 2009


Poor Eric Wedge. Fired with 5 days left in the season. What a slap in the face. Just two short years ago, he was manager of the year and leading the Tribe to a good, ole-fashioned beatdown at the hands of the Sox in the '07 playoffs. Rough season this year, lots of injuries for the In'juns, and inevitably when things go to sh*t, its the manager's fault because they obviously play the game. But enough of my smug sarcasm, the interesting part here is that Wedge has to manage out these last few meaningless games knowing that he's no longer a manager in a few days. Surrounded by apathy, here's what I would do if I were him...

-Dress up like an indian in the dugout. Not half ass; all-out indian garb. The feathered head gear, face paint, drums, tomahawk. Build a teepee in the on-deck circle. Fill the dugout with water and throw a canoe in it. Turn the luxury boxes into a casino. Make pitching changes with loud tribal chants.

-Get a hold of Charlie Sheen. Bring him in to close a game as Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn.

-Argue with an umpire. After the ejection, take a dump on home plate. Clean that off with your little brush, Mr. Umpire.

-BBQ at the end of the dugout. Sell hot dogs to the fans for half the price the ballpark is selling them for.

-Get a hold of Corbin Bersen. Bring him in to pinch hit and lean into a pitch as Roger Dorn.

-Throw firecrackers onto the field while the other team is at bat. When everybody looks over at you, point at the bench coach.

-Get to the ballpark early, cork all the bats, throw siringes in every locker, point everything out to the media and frame all the players.

-If Tom Berenger isn't available, rename the Indians the Cleveland Buzz, and declare Scott Bakula as your replacement.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Murderer's Row

Ladies and gents, the T-ball lineup for last night's Sox game, which as we expected, produced zero runs...
1. Joey Gathright, CF
2. Josh Reddick, LF
3. Casey Kotchman, 1B
4. David Ortiz, DH
5. Rocco Baldelli, RF
6. George Kottaras, C
7. Alex Gonzalez, SS
8. Jed Lowrie, 3B
9. Chris Woodward, 2B

This is standard procedure to go with the 'B' team the day after clinching a playoff spot, but even just reading that lineup makes me chuckle. Though Tito did leave out Scotty Smalls from the Sandlot.
Ah well, about a week until the playoffs begin. What will I do to fill the time? The Bruins start tonight, should I watch them? Nah. Hockey blows.

(* Also, I have no idea if that kid in the picture is trying to hit the ball, or pee like a dog.)