Alert, all math nerds!

Remember that show Square One? It was an 80's kids' TV show that put a clever, comical spin on math with skits and such. Anyways, if I learned anything from that show, it was how to apply math to normal everyday situations in totally ludicrous fashion. So, as an example, lets take that whacky Jonathan Papelbon and his fancy new contract...

Last year, Papelbon made $6.25 million. This year, thanks to a hefty raise, he will make $9.35 million. Dust off the calculator...
$9.35mil - $6.25mil = $3.10mil.
Therefore, a raise of $3.10 million.


Now, summing the population totals of the New England states, here, here, here, here, here and here, which assumes that everybody in that region is a Red Sox fan, and for those commi bastards that aren't, we can stupidly assume that there is a Red Sox fan elsewhere in the country to take their place. And of course, we can only take 1/3 of Connecticut's numbers, because, as we all know, people from Connecticut are only a third of a regular person. So...
6,593,587 + 1,324,575 + 621,760 + 1,318,301 + 1,053,209 + 1/3(3,518,288)=
12,084,194.6666667
So, there are 12,084,194 2/3 Red Sox fans. And to get rid of that pesky repeating .667 decimal, I'll make up a person, Eduardo Cheese, who lives in Connecticut...
12,084,194 2/3 + 1/3 person = 12,084,195 Red Sox fans.


Now, since Papelbon is a guy who only pitches one inning per game, he clearly doesn't deserve any of that extra money he got in his raise. I propose that he distribute the extra money to Red Sox fans as reparations for past and future damages. More math...
$3,100,000 raise / 12,084,195 Red Sox fans = $0.25653343.
So every Red Sox fan gets a quarter.


Now, these days, even in a recession, a quarter won't buy you much. Not even a try at getting a stuffed animal for the lady friend at a carnival. However, go down to your local pharmacy, and charm your way into buying just 25 cents worth of aspirin. A box of 200-count Advil costs $15.49...
15.49 / 200 tablets = $0.07745 / tablet
$0.07745 x 3 = $0.23235
So with about 2 cents left to spare, you can buy 3 aspirin.


Papelbon will blow at least 3 saves next season. Use your aspirin wisely.

Top 10 Sox Moments of 2009: Number 8 - Daniel Bard likes PBR

And by PBR we mean "PapelBon Replacement". Facts are facts and sleeping mistresses tied up under your bed are just that, sleeping mistresses tied up under your bed, and Bard is most likely going to replace Papelbon as this teams closer at some point. The great Jonny Pap already has a track record of running his mouth saying how much he thinks he's worth and how he can't wait to test the free agent waters and while there is no doubt he's done one hell of a job here, the signs are pointing in the the direction of letting him go. The shoulder problems, his walk rate is rising, his pending lawsuit against all those drunk Irish guys who he said "stole his jig(dance)", all matters to take into consideration. Maybe he gets one more year here, maybe he's packaged up and shipped out of Boston (slight pun intended) for a left handed bat or maybe him and Bard split the duties while arguing over who can grow the weaker facial hair. Unless traded Bard will be the closer of the future until the same thing happens with him in 4 years.