Alert, all math nerds!

Remember that show Square One? It was an 80's kids' TV show that put a clever, comical spin on math with skits and such. Anyways, if I learned anything from that show, it was how to apply math to normal everyday situations in totally ludicrous fashion. So, as an example, lets take that whacky Jonathan Papelbon and his fancy new contract...

Last year, Papelbon made $6.25 million. This year, thanks to a hefty raise, he will make $9.35 million. Dust off the calculator...
$9.35mil - $6.25mil = $3.10mil.
Therefore, a raise of $3.10 million.


Now, summing the population totals of the New England states, here, here, here, here, here and here, which assumes that everybody in that region is a Red Sox fan, and for those commi bastards that aren't, we can stupidly assume that there is a Red Sox fan elsewhere in the country to take their place. And of course, we can only take 1/3 of Connecticut's numbers, because, as we all know, people from Connecticut are only a third of a regular person. So...
6,593,587 + 1,324,575 + 621,760 + 1,318,301 + 1,053,209 + 1/3(3,518,288)=
12,084,194.6666667
So, there are 12,084,194 2/3 Red Sox fans. And to get rid of that pesky repeating .667 decimal, I'll make up a person, Eduardo Cheese, who lives in Connecticut...
12,084,194 2/3 + 1/3 person = 12,084,195 Red Sox fans.


Now, since Papelbon is a guy who only pitches one inning per game, he clearly doesn't deserve any of that extra money he got in his raise. I propose that he distribute the extra money to Red Sox fans as reparations for past and future damages. More math...
$3,100,000 raise / 12,084,195 Red Sox fans = $0.25653343.
So every Red Sox fan gets a quarter.


Now, these days, even in a recession, a quarter won't buy you much. Not even a try at getting a stuffed animal for the lady friend at a carnival. However, go down to your local pharmacy, and charm your way into buying just 25 cents worth of aspirin. A box of 200-count Advil costs $15.49...
15.49 / 200 tablets = $0.07745 / tablet
$0.07745 x 3 = $0.23235
So with about 2 cents left to spare, you can buy 3 aspirin.


Papelbon will blow at least 3 saves next season. Use your aspirin wisely.