Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So its the Yanks and Phils in the World Series. I, for one, will not be watching it. Not because I despise both teams and their respective cities and stand to gain nothing by watching it, but because I just have too much fly-fishing to do.
Anyways, because I really don't want either team to win, and because I am the key demographic for the MLB and they should listen to every idea I pose, I suggest that they just cancel the 2009 World Series and simply cut the trophy in half and give a piece to each team. Thats the only way this can be solved and simutaneously make me happy. Its what I'd like to dub the Newman Method (Kramer will play the part of the Phillies):
NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
::Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality::
NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise that you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?
KRAMER: Uh, yeah.
NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.
::Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave::
NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
::Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen::
::Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration::
NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm?
::Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up::
NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man...
::Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards::
NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
ELAINE: What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!
::Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried::
ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. Cut the stupid thing in half.
KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
::Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard::
ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?!
KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.
::Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes::