Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Joba The Suck

When I can't stand to watch the Sox while they are on the West Coast (read as I can't stay up that late) it's just as satisfying to put down the Yankees. Today, or yesterday I don't really care, the Yankees demoted Joba from "setup guy" to "guy that sets up the set up guy when the starter doesn't go as long as he should". So while the title may sound more prestigious, it's not. Even Joba's mom knows it's not good news. What was that Joba's mom? You had something to say?

Grumble grumble where are my drugs? Grumble grumble.

What a woman.

Monday, July 26, 2010


What's your excuse for not watching these games? I was down the Cape this weekend and by 10pm (or 4pm... fine after ) I'm far too intoxicated with beach air and Sam Summer to stay inside and watch The Sox try and f*ck up a good thing as much as humanly possible. I caught a few innings Saturday night and once someone said "Hey, Lester has a no-hitter going" I promptly excused myself from the house and waited outside until my space age phone updated me with the inevitable news that The Sox had managed to blow the game. I was actually impressed that Adrian Beltre didn't somehow bull-charge Lester to blow the no-no, so things weren't all bad.

Now to ignore the sox and give a big shout out to Netflix. With this summer being oppressive in the heat and Sox-sucking department, I've managed to stumble across a good number of movies to pass the time ignoring Bill Hall and Eric Patterson. Last night, "She's Out of My League". Very stupid movie, but I'm always a sucker for the underdog-dude-gets-the-hot-chick flick and it delivered. Up next, "Hot Tub Time Machine". Roughly looks like the same movie, except for that hot tub that is really a time machine. Awesome.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Only Eric Patterson Can Save This Team!

And he did. Well, it was more like the errors from Scoots and Hall and the general suckyness this year of Manny Delcarmen blew the game, but E. Patts (It will catch on) saved The Sox in the bottom of some un-Godly inning where it was probably 2am on this side of the country. I didn't stay up for the game, but I did wake up an extra 10 minutes early this morning (Friday morning meetings, really?) and read the box score to myself in the voice of Sean McDonough while picturing Eck's stash and mop flowing in unison in the breeze, so it made the game pretty exciting for me on the whole.

Today is Friday. Today, yet another member of the All-Star DL Team comes back to play baseball. Today it's Josh Beckett. Wake goes to the 'pen, Beckett takes the mound against a Mariners team that made The Sox look stupid last night, so tonight I say Josh let's it all hang out. The guy should be rested and ready to fire so while there's a good chance I'll be asleep by the 3 inning I can't wait to hear Bob Montgomery calling the game for me tomorrow morning.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Not Even Jed Lowrie Can Save This Team

What are you going to do when even the great Jed Lowrie comes off the DL, which he's seemingly been on since Julio Lugo was on the team, but can't help this team win a series? I'll tell you what you're gonna do: run into the corner, assume the fetal position and start crying like a little girl. Ok, maybe not yet, but the time is fast approaching for that option if the Sox keep dropping series to teams like the A's. Yeah I'm psyched to get Becks, Pedroia and V-mart back in the next few weeks, but can you imagine how pissed Pedroia is going to be if he comes back and they are out of it already? The dude's been fielding grounders on his knees, taking batting practice out of a chair, submerging his foot in a sub-atomic mixture of frozen yogurt and Icy-Hot all to "keep the machine greased up" and you want him to take a look at the standings when he comes back and see that they need to gain 5 games on TB just to make the Wild Card? Go ahead, you go tell him that and I'll go try and explain to Carl Everett that whole "dinosaur" thing again. I just hope he doesn't get punchy again.

Monday, July 19, 2010

It's Times Like These...

... where I run and hide in my basement and flip through old baseball cards while trying to remind myself that I still love baseball, and guys by the name of "Bill Hall" and "Kevin Cash" aren't the names that the ghosts of Fenway will be chanting when that places come crashing down in a few years.

Honestly though people, with every game lost while the majority of the team is the on the DL, it inches the team that much closer to being out of contention by the time Pedroia, Beckett, V-mart, etc, return from the infirmary, which means all of a sudden Patriots pre-season action starts looking better and better. Don't get me wrong, I don't want baseball to end. Hell, they've pretty much made it so there's only 3 months to the off-season already, but if this team is going to continue to put us all through the ringer I'd rather not even bother sweating out September. We've already heard Theo say he's not planning on shopping this deadline, and 6.5 games back and 3 out of the Wild Card makes me think that there's no reason to call his bluff on this one.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Tonight is the Night

The Sox look like sh*t. 100% grade-A B.S. I know this next statement isn't accurate; but the entire season relies on the right arm of John Lackey tonight. Yes, the season. After sliding like they have slid over the last two weeks they need something to stop this crapfest of constant beatings and while they have Lester out there tomorrow, they need someone else to sack up here and be a stopper right here right now. As in tonight. Hence the season riding on how John Lackey pitches. Tonight.

Now I know everyone has been on the Lackey Hate-Bus since he got here because he hasn't been dominating like a guy they're paying $19M a year should be, but even Beckett had an off year in 2006 when he first got here. Then Becks kicked some serious ass in 2007, his second year, so maybe Lackey turns it around early. Early like tonight. Send the guy some mojo, and maybe an iced coffee because it's hot as hell out there.

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Limp Home Begins

And what a way to begin. Wake got his taint handed to him early and that was it. 6 in the first and it was over before it ever started. Great way to start off the second half of the season for the Sox. I gotta say, I'm pretty psyched about this team right now with guys like Eric Patterson in the starting lineup and bringing the great Kevin Cash back for another go, how can you not be optimistic about this team right now? Combine those heavy hitters with Theo's recent comments about how he doesn't see the team making any major moves at the deadline because there's no one out there and you've got yourself a pretty kick-ass 2 1/2 months of baseball left. Sure, they'll get a lift when (if) they are ever able to field their team that they put together back in April, but at this point it might not be enough. Yup, that's me right now, wicked optimistic and totally looking forward to Felix Doubront starting tonight.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

George Doesn't Like His Chicken Spicey

George Steinbrenner did amazing things for baseball. He created an empire (the "Evil" part came later) that grew beyond anything he could have possibly dreamed and became the envy of many teams around the league. This of course involved a horsesh*t load of money being thrown every which way and the constant hirings and firings of every single member of the Yankees Organization at some point. The firings are amusing to hear about to this day, but it's the money thing that really had a lasting impact on the league. Was he alone responsible for the rise in contracts to the insane amount they are at now? For the destruction of the hopes and dreams of the small market baseball team? Eh, maybe. Dude was a Yankee, he was capable of anything.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Sox Lose and Yankees Fans Are Still Jerks.

Today. Seattle.

In the first inning of The Yanks/M's game a ball was hit into RF foul territory and Ichiro brushed up next to that girl. Yes, the one freaking out. Here is the video if you really want to see how it went down. Anyways, besides that girl freaking out like she just won something (to be fair it looks like they gave her a free baseball and shirt AND she got to touch Ichiro), that dude on the right continues to give overweight moron Yankee fans around the country a good name as he bobs into the shot (right around :47 seconds), throws up 5 fingers which is a gang sign for "I'm A Stupid Fat Yankee Fan" and then goes back to his seat after he's ruined every one's meal at home. Thank you fatty.

Ok, back to your Saturday night.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Cleveland Rocks?

Drew Carey's take on Cleveland: It rocks.

Lebron's take: It has rhythm, but South Beach makes me dance.

The combination of a Sox off-night and Lebron taking over everything sports means chances are you watched Lebron tell Cleveland to F-off while making the move down to Miami. Personally, I like it. There are 80-something games in an NBA season and you can bet every single team out there is going to be gunning for this super Heat team.

Was it selfish to have a prime time show RIPE with ESPN commercials to announce his decision? Eh, probably. Will Lebron win a ring down in Miami. Eh, probably. Will there be riots in Cleveland. Eh, probably. Did Jordan leave the Bulls after getting beat by the Pistons 3 years in a row? Nope. He resolved to win, and did so. Even if Lebron and company win 2 titles, then bring in Chris Paul and win 4 more, it's not going to be Lebron's title. I'm just glad "the Decision" is over.

Also, I hate ESPN more than ever. Different post, different time.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

LeBron going to New York

You heard it here first... LeBron to the Yankees. Our photographers were even able to sneak the photo of LeBron with the Yanks hat above. The Cheese can scoop breaking news with the best of them. We're the TMZ of the sports world. We're hearing Josh Beckett and Jessica Biel are dating. Scandalous! Stay tuned for more info.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I'm going on the DL

This weekend I had too much to drink, ate waaaay too many burgers, gorged myself on at least a dozen pieces of pie and then thought it would be a good idea to the same thing again on Sunday... and Monday. Hurrah for me. Rather than go into work and face the perils of sitting at a computer all day where I can't eat mass amounts of animal flesh and am not allowed to drink ice cold beer, I've decided to pull a Drew and put myself on the DL. Of course this means absolutely nothing because I am not an athlete in any sense of the word, so this is really just another stunt to make sure my wife really meant it when she said "... and I take you with or without the Educated Cheese." Which she really did say... or something to that extent. I just kept re-playing that wedding scene from Old School in my head and chuckling to myself during the ceremony.

To be quite honest, I didn't have much time to watch The Sox this weekend. Well, sure I had time, but while we had 4 kegs, a grill, a pool, smaller nieces and nephews to fetch us whatever we wanted at any time of the day, the one thing we don't have hooked up outside my uncle's house is a flat screen. I did see that they dropped one to Baltimore, bringing their season record against the worst team in baseball to 6-6. I know they're trotting out something that barely resembles a spring training split squad right now, but I honestly believe the O's are even worse than that and they keep losing to them. I'm not expecting 18-0 against them for the season, but right now maybe 9-3, or 8-4, for f*cksake just something about .500. The fact that The Sox are even in this "race" right now in the East is amazing and if things stay this close all year these stupid little pencil d*ck games against the O's are going to mean something. There, I have unleashed thy furry. Take me to the All-Star break... and give me another beer.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Eat, Drink and Be American

Happy 4th everyone! Everyone have a safe and happy 4th and if you're crazy enough to fight the crowds and the insane heat and be at Fenway for the game today, well let's see if you can't will the Sox into first place. Keep safe and God speed everyone!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Anti-Jinx never fails.

Never. Ever. Yesterday I poke fun at JD and his lack of, well, everything, and last night the dude comes through with two dingers. You can thank us for lighting that fire under JD's namby-pamby ass by questioning his toughness/string of injuries/beliefs in dinosaurs. Wait, that's Carl Everett. I always get the two confused. Regardless, that whole game reeked of Drew though. The game itself was only 2 hours and 7 minutes, the quickest game in Boston since 2008 or something but it was definitely the quickest game I ever remember seeing. Yet another sign of Drew because judging by the emotions just constantly pouring out of the right fielder he would rather be home, so a quick game let's him get back to fishing or building model cars or whatever mind numbing activities it is that he does during his off time.

This is really how quick the game was and how bad the umps wanted to get to dinner: The 3rd string catcher, aka our starter of the next month Kevin Cash, even threw out a runner while Wake was pitching. Wake?!? That's some quick sh*t.

1/2 game people. This could be a very happy fourth of July weekend for Sox fans. Sh*t, I just jinxed it.

Friday, July 2, 2010

JD Drew Puts Himself on DL Early

In a move that Terry Francona is referring to as "heroic", JD Drew preemptively put himself on the 15 day disable list with, at this point, an undetermined injury. Drew had this to say:

The other day, after that sore neck thing, I felt like there might possibly be something else there. I'm not sure if there really is anything wrong with me, but there was such a good chance that there could be that I decided to put myself on the 15 day just to be safe.

"You know, we're in a crunch right now. We've got guys like Pedroia, Ellsbury and V-mart with broken bones, and that's easy to evaluate, but when JD does something like this and essentially saves the whole organization a ton of time, well it's really the player putting the team first." Tito was heard saying in the clubhouse after the game.

Dustin Pedroia, the team's spark plug who is on the DL with a broken bone in his foot, heard the news while out fielding grounders from his knees. "I'm out here f*cking taking grounders on my knees. JD is smart. He hasn't actually done anything baseball related in weeks. That's how you prevent stuff from happening."

The praise for JD and his forward thinking didn't stop from his coaches and teammates. "We were looking at last years stats again last night for the 830th time and we found another 6 obscure stats that JD led the team in last year." said GM Theo Epstein. "People don't realize what he does every day and the fact that he doesn't swing at every 7th pitch on Tuesdays and how that helps the rest of the team."

For now JD is available to come back to the team in the 2nd game after the All-Star break but the grumblings around the clubhouse are that his leg has been looking weak lately and may require an entirely different trip to the DL.