Top 10 Sox Moments of 2009: Number 6 - Youk Goes Postal

August 11th. I remember it well. After back to back ass whoopings in Tampa Bay and New York the Sox went home and the Tigers came to town. Youk got hit the first game of the series and after he got beaned the second time in two nights he got himself all riled up. We covered it here, and here. After Youk threw the helmet many people will say Porcello won the fight from there, but any fight where Kevin Youkilis is laying on top of you, sweating his sweaty face all over you, well I don't call that a victory. In his own words, Youk was a "pin cushion" for a lot of teams to take their frustration out on leading up to that blow-up, so I guess we all should have seen it coming? Whomever the victor was (a soggy Porcello possibly), it was something to see Kevin Youkilis at his breaking point.

Also, NESN, the show "Batter's Box"? I know baseball is over but come on. First dating shows, then that Fitzy guy quizzing people but now you bring in sad, lonely New Englanders who have spent their lives building up the knowledge to answer questions like how many players were officially on the team roster in 1995. The answer is 55, which someone answered correctly but to his credit it was multiple choice, so he's not THAT much of a chooch. I don't care for the show. Plain and simple. However, make Heidi the host and you might have something...

AJ Burnett is a scumbag

Technically all Yankee players are scumbags in at least one way or another, but something about AJ irks me to an A-rod level. Maybe it's the stupid tattoos (what is that a pi symbol on his hand?) or his white trashy looking exterior, I'm not really sure. AJ is usually good for one inning of implosion per game but I guess he picked a good time (relative opinion) to not walk 8 guys and throw 13 wild pitches, which would be conducive of a regular game for him.

Maybe after game 1 the joy of the Yankees losing blinded me and made me forgot I was listening to Buck and McCarver so I didn't get that sharp stabbing pain in my brain, but last night was a different story. They were suckling on the teet of Pedro for what seemed like a fortnight and I think it got to an obsessive point when old man McCarver "recalled" a cheese game he played against Pedro in which Petey moved the pieces with his mind and somehow beat Tim with only a pawn. The story was a perfect example of how smart Pedro was, which was the point of their rambling for the first hour of the broadcast. Now as Sox fans we've always felt shunned by the terrible two-some when it's Sox/Yanks, but is it possible that Fox and the Ambiguously Gay Duo hate the Yankees? I don't think so, but apparently there are some delusional people out there that might think that way.

Chase Utley: Ruiner of New York Dreams

Awww look, it's Chase Utley (and his ridiculously hot wife) holding puppies. How cute. This is EXACTLY what the Phils wanted the Yanks to think of Chase, that he's a nice puppy holder, when it's just not true at all. Chase Utley is that guy from the horror movie that will wait under your bed til you come home and when you sit down that's when he'll cut up your Achilles like a friggin jack-o-lantern (halloween theme there). THEN after that he'll hit 2 home runs off you. All in the day of the life a guy named Chase. That Cliff guy didn't do too shabby either.

Now we turn our attention to tonight and again to Pedro. I watched a lot of the game last night and I was near cheering on the Phils so this Pedro start feels special. Pretty sure he thinks it's special too, or at least he thinks he is special because he said this; I don't know if you realize this, but because of you guys in some ways I might be at times the most influential player that ever stepped in Yankee Stadium, ... I can honestly say that. He's not Pedro of old, but the dudes pills have tripled in size since 2004.

What are the chances?

What are the chances that we get to see this on Thursday night when Pedro goes up against his daddy in NYC? The only thing that would make me watch more than just ESPN highlights of this series was if Pedro was going to be pitching in New York so I'd like to thank that goofy country good ol' boy Charlie Manuel for making that happen and making the above picture a possibility, however far fetched it may be.

In other incredibly important breaking news, banana hammock connoisseur Gabe Kapler (Google it if you must) resigned with the Rays and former Red Sox mandatory old man coach guy Brad Mills is the new Astros head coach. Mills has experience coaching in the minors and has reportedly won 3 of his last 5 fantasy leagues.

A truce...

So its the Yanks and Phils in the World Series. I, for one, will not be watching it. Not because I despise both teams and their respective cities and stand to gain nothing by watching it, but because I just have too much fly-fishing to do.

Anyways, because I really don't want either team to win, and because I am the key demographic for the MLB and they should listen to every idea I pose, I suggest that they just cancel the 2009 World Series and simply cut the trophy in half and give a piece to each team. Thats the only way this can be solved and simutaneously make me happy. Its what I'd like to dub the Newman Method (Kramer will play the part of the Phillies):

NEWMAN: Mmm. You present an interesting dilemma. Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle, and yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner. Quite the conundrum. As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have. (getting worked up) It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve even the privilege of the daily mail. (angry) Stuffing parcels into mailboxes where they don't belong!!...
KRAMER: Newman!
::Newman catches himself, and comes back to normality::
NEWMAN: ...But, you must promise that you will abide by my decision, no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you. Do I have your word?
KRAMER: Uh, yeah.
ELAINE: Yeah.
NEWMAN: Alright, let's begin.
::Newman sits back, to begin his contemplation. There is the single 'ting' of a microwave::
NEWMAN: (excited) Ooh, my cocoa!
::Newman leaps to his feet and heads for his kitchen::
::Elaine and Kramer still sit on the couch, awaiting Newman's arbitration::
NEWMAN: Well, you've both presented very convincing arguments. On the one hand, Elaine, your promise was given in haste. But was it not still a promise? Hmm?
::Kramer looks at Elaine, thinking his arguments have put him one up::
NEWMAN: And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation. But, does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance of reliability? Hmm? Huh? Ahh. These were not easy questions to answer. Not for any man...
::Kramer leans forward to receive the result. Elaine looks as attentive as she can while only being able to look upwards::
NEWMAN: ...But I have made a decision. We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.
ELAINE: What?! This is your solution?! To ruin the bike?!
::Newman's face drops at her negative reaction. Kramer looks across at the bike, looking worried::
ELAINE: Alright, fine. Fine. Go ahead. Cut the stupid thing in half.
KRAMER: No, no, no. Give it to her. I'd rather it belonged to another than see it destroyed. Newman, give it to her, I beg you.
ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, y-yeah.
NEWMAN: Not so fast, Elaine! Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm. Kramer, the bike is yours!
ELAINE: What?!
KRAMER: Sweet justice. Newman, you are wise.
::Kramer picks up the bike and climbs aboard::
ELAINE: (frustration) But this isn't fair! Lookit, my neck is still hurting me, and now you have the bike?!
KRAMER: Well, tell it to the judge, honey. I'm going for a ride.
::Kramer opens the door and rides clumsily out, ringing the bell as he goes::

Awwww f*ck

Well, so much for seeing Jeter on the golf course next week. I don't know if I can take a Yankee world series. All this anti-rooting really tires a guy out. The one thing the Phils have on their side, besides all that baseball talent and whatnot, is that the show Always Sunny in Philadelphia is 100% behind the Phils, and definitely rooting for Chase Utley.

Top 10 Sox Moments of 2009: Number 7 - Pedroia keeps his uniform clean

This is the one and only photo of Dustin Pedroia in a clean uniform. Go ahead, Google it. Ok, don't. However, it is one of the very few times he's let anyone catch a glimpse of him not covered in dirt. I can't even count the number of times Eck, DO or Remy have commented on how he is diving on the first play of every game. Thanks for being so dirty, Dustin. Thank you very much.