Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Adrian Beltre is a Go-Bot
Let me explain...
Its 1986. You've flipped through every toy catalog in detail and compiled the ultimate Christmas List; a list that began back in February. Being the spoiled brat that you are, you're already picturing every item on the list underneath the tree. The weeks whittle away, and before you know it, its Christmas morning. You run downstairs, start ripping apart the tacky wrapping paper your parents picked out and passed it off as Santa's handiwork. Socks. Underwear. A hand-sewn sweater from Aunt Susan. Stuff upon stuff, none of which you need. And with each violent attack on a wrapped present you hope that the #1 item on your wish list will be inside... an authentic Optimus Prime Transformer, complete with the 18-wheel trailer and decals. Oh yeah, the holy grail of toys. The type of toy that turned kids into kleptomaniacs at Child World. But alas, all but one present has been unwrapped, no Optimus Prime yet. And in discouraged fashion, you tear through the final batch of ugly green paper with mistletoe patterns. Whats inside? A Go-Bot... the retarded cousin to the Transformer line. You give a fake smile and thank Santa, but really you just want to fling that ugly rip-off Go-Bot into the snow and convert to Judaism in hopes that the 8 nights of Hanukkah might bring better luck on the Transformer front. Your parents had cheaped out with the Go-Bot instead of splurging for what... $10, $15 more for the kickass Transformer version? Yeah that $15 went towards your college fund, but you probably forgot that $15 of college knowledge anyways... and, most importantly...
OPTIMUS PRIME IS NOW $300 ON EBAY!!!
Anyways, my point?...
Adrian Beltre is the Go-Bot.
Prince Fielder is the Transformer.
Theo and John Henry are your parents.
The $15 difference is the $9 million of dead money going to Julio Lugo next season.
The disappointing Christmas is the 2010 baseball season.
You, the Red Sox fan, are the spoiled kid.
and Marco Scutaro is the ugly hand-sewn sweater from Aunt Susan.