Friday, September 4, 2009

Baseball + Marine life = Crazy

Nice work by the good guys last night to finish off those jerks from the Sunshine State. But as a person with minimal attention span, I quickly became distracted when the NESN cameras reminded us of one of the many eye sores at Tropicana Field... the tank of devil rays in centerfield. Really? You need to put an aquarium of the team mascot in the stadium? Look, if its the Tampa Bay Pissed-off Great White Sharks, I'm on board... put a tank of those suckers beyond the outfield wall, throw a few dolphins in there for food, and I'm buying front row seats, er, maybe 10th row. But a tank of mild-mannered sting rays? Kids pet these things at Sea World. And despite having a stinger, as near as I can tell, only one crazy a$$hole in the history of mankind was capable of aggravting them enough to use it. So I ask you, loyal Cheese readers, is the Ray tank an obnoxious gimmick that mocks the old thyme sanctity of baseball? Or is it a clever educational novelty? Maybe it'll spark a new trend, who knows...
Red Sox - In an attempt to boost ticket revenues among kids under age 12, Sox management puts a giant 'Sock Drawer' next to the visitor bullpen. All goes well, until it becomes known that they're Kevin Youkilis' used socks.
Phillies - The Phillies' recent acquistion of Pedro Martinez wasn't intended to have him pitch, but rather help construct the world's largest mound of cream cheese.
Pirates - The Pirates don't draw much these days, and the crowds only got thinner after an incident involving real pirates forcing fans to walk the plank off the outfield wall.
Orioles - In a scene right out of Hitchcock's "Birds", thousands of orioles descend upon Camden Yards, giving the stadium the nickname "The Aviary". No injuries. Lots of bird poop.
Diamondbacks - Snakes. everywhere. Sam Jackson is nowhere to be found.
Indians - nevermind. too violent.
Cubs - Oh yeah, you think they're cute. Little known fact about bear cubs though, eating ivy that grows on walls makes them go crazy.
Rockies - During the 4th inning of every game, boulders randomly flood the stands. Dangerous yes, but just think about all the geology the kids can learn.
Brewers - Nevermind the tank of Rays, the Brew Crew ups the ante, by filling their entire stadium with beer. Fans rejoice.


Ryane said...

Um... hilarious!

Don't forget San Francisco... they could give Yao Ming a part-time job.

Jon said...

Burger King. Royals. Lots of double whoppers and king costumes.

Bosox Bikini Girl said...

At the Dodgers games, you sit in small cars with sticky floors, attached to the ceiling with a long pole. At 7th inning stretch, it's a free-for-all....

You guys rock....

Jon said...

Tigers games would get really ugly really quick.