Saturday, January 16, 2010

Hello, Boss? I'd like more money

Me: Hey boss, I'd like more money.
Boss: I guess knocking is a thing of the past? Anyways, come in. Now what are you saying, you want a raise?
Me: Sorry... and I wouldn't call it a "raise". See, I think last year when I really engineered the sh*t out of that big project and we finished so far under budget, well I think I deserve a little somethin-somethin.
Boss: So, a raise? And put your pants back on.
Me: Sorry. I've got this guy. Let's call him, for lack of a better term, my agent. He's going to come in with me tomorrow and we'll just name what we think my salary should be next year.
Boss: So you and your agent, you're going to tell me what your raise should be?
Me: Eh, pretty much. You should have a company representative present too, so you can propose what you think I should be making.
Boss: This seems like a lot of work.
Me: Well, this is how it works in the majors. It's called Salary Arbitration.
Boss: Look, I know you have this whole "Educated Cheese" blog thing going on...
Me: ...crap...
Boss: ... and you think you're hot sh*t, but this is kind of ridiculous. How about this: I'll go back to work, you'll keep doing your "Cheese" thing and we'll just kind of forget any of this happened.
Me: So, no agent?
Boss: No agents. See you Monday.

That folks, is how arbitration works... in my mind at least. Speaking of it, there's a few Sox players that are up for it this year. Not that I'd mind having Tim Lincecum on our side, but let's just say he really engineered the sh*t out of stuff last year and he's up for a BIG raise.