Winning is for losers.

The 2010 Red Sox will be lame. You heard it here first. Look at them. They're the ugly middle child. Yeah, maybe they bring home a few A's here and there and make the playoffs, but you're not bragging to your friends and family about them. In fact, you probably leave them out of the family picture for the yearly Christmas card. Yeah, I'm a fair-weather and ungrateful b*tch. but whatever. I want a team to get excited about. This lame free agent class, Marco Scutaro and this business-like approach bores the sh*t out of me. I blame Moneyball and steroid testing.

And that is why I am starting an all-out campaign for the gang over on Yawkey Way to make a run at Prince Fielder. Sure, its far-fetched (though in my mind its close-fetched), and there's really no reason to get a first-baseman with Youk there. But lets see what Prince has to bring to the table...

• He's the son of Cecil. It almost sounds biblical. "The Son of Cecil." Plus, they hate each other. Cecil shows up to the field, and we've got ourselves a Jerry Springer episode.
• His name is Prince. You don't second-guess royalty.
• He's fat. Fat guys are great to laugh at. And when they have 40+ HR potential you can easily turn the mock laughter into victory laughter. Ortiz has lost his "quintessential fat guy" luster. And we all remember how enjoyable the Mo Vaughn days were. "Enjoyable" is a fairly large euphemism there.
• When he gets thrown at, he skips the mound and charges the opposing team's locker room. I take that as "competitiveness" (though a better word is crazy). Still, there will never be a dull moment with Prince's fuse in the dugout and plenty of matches to be lit in the AL East.
• His home run celebrations are awesome and sometimes violent.
• He plays in Milwaukee. He'll be bringing us beer and bratwurst.

I've sparked the rumor. Spread it carelessly. If he's not here in April, I'm boycotting baseball. or just shutting up and being happy I'm not a Nationals fan.