My TV is attacking me

If it's not attacking me right now, it soon will be. I was sitting around watching some regular old 2-D TV today and I saw a commercial pimping "3D-TV". So I says to myself,

"Self, you have to be pulling your/my proverbial chain. 3-D TV? What year is it? Where there hell is my freakin hover board?"

Now we've come pretty far in this world with all these VCR DVD Blu-Ray players and triple cheeseburgers, but I figured that when TV came into the 3-D world I would either be 6 feet under or at the least screaming at some nurse in whatever old people's home my Olympic athlete children have put me in.

To be fair I haven't read up enough on the technology that brings this 3rd dimension screaming into our home but in the commercial the family watching their super hyper speed 3-D TV are all wearing those stupid-ass glasses. You know, "those" glasses. The very same glasses that I nearly creamed myself over when my father brought home Rad Racer for my 8 bit Nintendo in 1989. Unless Heidi herself starts popping out of the TV during a game I can't see myself wearing a set of old man over sized reading glasses just so I can see a little more depth. I'm still getting used to this HDTV thing and the fact that I can tell what kind of BBQ sauce Youk dipped his ribs in last night because the stain on his shirt comes in so damn clear on my screen. Sorry extra dimension, I don't think I'll be seeing you in my home anytime soon.

Ok Red Sox, now you have upset me.

Behold the mountain of crap that is spewing from our beloved Fenway Park.

Aramark has substantially expanded Fenway Park’s vegetarian menu and added more options for fans with special dietary considerations. A new veggie burger, veggie dog, and spinach and mozzarella stromboli will join the lineup of existing vegetarian options like assorted salads, pizza, vegetarian burritos, hummus and fresh fruit cups. A growing list of gluten free items will include kettle corn, cookies, chips, and crackers.

Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. Look, maybe you don't want to dine on animal flesh every night like me and that's 100% cool... at 99% of the places in the world but you make a mother loving exception when are at Fenway Park. You make an exception for the Red Seat, for the Monster, for the Pole, for that giant piece of grass and dirt that you pay homage to every time you set foot inside that stadium, for that day my friends, you should eat meat. It's even debatable how much "meat" content there is in the hot dogs and burgers and burger dogs at Fenway, so how much veggie do you think is going to be in those burgers? I'll tell you how much; whatever is left over the last 10 years from the onion bin at the condiment stand, all nice and mashed up into a veggie paste for you.

Between the healthy Fenway eating and "Opening Day" being at 8 o'clock at night on Easter Sunday (the very thought is sending my brain into massive convulsions which I have saved up for my eminent later in the life heart attack) , the Red Sox and I have a few bones to pick already this year. Mr. Henry, I have my eyes on you... and your much younger and attractive wife. HA! Take that!

And now back to your regularly scheduled raining

I picture Tito being on the head of the Ark and Heidi and Amelie Benjamin being very hot commodities (pun slightly intended) as Teets and company head for drier land. Somehow there is some nice weather making its way into town for Sunday's opener, just another sign that even the big guy doesn't mess with the start of baseball season here in Boston.

Why isn't everyone on the ark you ask? I don't have all day people. Billable hours here. Gotta use the imagination sometimes.

Like Clockwork

There's a lot of things you can count on...

Tim Wakefield's club option - infinity

Mass Extinction - every 50-150 million years

Halley's Comet - every 75 years

Leap Year - every 4 years

Red Sox winning the World Series - every 3 years

2004. 2007. 2010. mark it 3, dude.

Can Schoeneweis channel his inner Mientkiewicz?

I am in total agreement with the Sox on the signing of Scott Schoeneweis. The one and only thing the Sox need are guys with more crazy names. Tug, Boof, Clay, Marco, and those are just the first names. The team needs a reincarnate of Mientkiewicz. Hell, it brought them some luck last time but now they get a crazy name guy for the entire year, as if Tug and Boof weren't enough to make it through the trade deadline.

According to my internal clock, and fancy "Red Sox Facts" calendar on my desk, it looks like we're 8 days out from baseball. I don't really know how many days there are in Hanukkah, but there should be a similar gift giving and nightly countdown for the baseball season.

The Legend of Daisuke Matsuzaka

My name, is Daisuke Matsuzaka.

In my native land I have thrown over 200 pitches in a single game.

In America, I go 5 1/3 while walking many and sometimes going down in flames.

The myth of my "gyro ball" grew far beyond its years.

In reality, it is a slider, thrown with a little more flair.

I work around the zone, picking my spots.

If I throw it down the middle, home runs they will hit, and I mean lots.

I fly back and forth to Japan at least once a week.

Writing that last line, I think I felt something tweak.

James Andrews, was it my arm? My shoulder? My leg.

No Daisuke, I'm afraid to say, it's all in your head.

Don't know if I felt oddly creative this morning, or Daisuke's old man face he's making above made me think he was some ancient warrior, or at least the star of an old Bruce Lee movie, and worthy of some sort of poem. Dicey did throw a few innings though without incident yesterday. Too bad it's snowing out today so I can't find the positive in anything.

8 more days.

I am the internet's Vanilla Ice

Its pretty common knowledge these days that there's only one universally accepted way to gauge where you stand in the world... and thats by comparing yourself to a rapper.

Well, Milton Bradley isn't about to be left out in the cold in the world of ridiculous metaphors. According to Milton, he's Major League Baseball's Kanye West.

"If I was a musician, I'd be Kanye West. If I was in the NBA, I'd be Ron Artest," the 31-year-old former Expo, Indian, Dodger, Athletic, Padre, Ranger and Cub said this week. "In baseball, they've got Milton Bradley. I'm that guy. You need people like me, so you can point your finger and go, 'There goes the bad guy."

yeah, okay Milton. The Cliff Notes version of his quote:

"Hi, I'm Milton Bradley. I'm f*cking crazy. Oh yeah, my parents named me after board games."