Educated Cheese

Eck-baby

2011-07-24T21:51:00.003-04:00

Well, the next generation of blogging has been born.
All of us at the Cheese want to congratulate Educated Jon on his new baby last week. We expect he's already teaching the kid about the ways of the "cheese" and "hair"... and making fun of JD Drew. Congrats and all the best.

Dreams are coming true. Oh, hi.

2010-12-04T12:38:00.003-05:00

The Cheese has some issues, some contractual issues with our website, which is why there are probably only 3 of you reading this. We're trying to get them solved, but to be quite blunt it's purely financial.

Anyways, to be short with it, today it appears the Sox finally made a deal for Adrian Gonzalez and sweet f*cking Jesus is this a shot in the arm. Losing Texiererea to the Yanks was a huge blow for The Sox and we all knew it, and now getting A-Gon for 3 minor leaguers is a huge step in the right direction. Sure he doesn't appear to have the charisma of some other big names but I'll let Henry and Werner worry about selling merch. He's a big lefty first baseman that is going to crush the sh*t out of the ball in Fenway and for that we should all be grateful.

Oh, and since Werth and Crawford both play the OF there's plenty of room for one of them too...

2010-11-13T09:36:00.003-05:00

2010-10-28T22:36:00.001-04:00

I want a chant like this

2010-10-12T23:50:00.001-04:00

Deafening. Intimidating. Awesome.

Why Sesame Street will always be awesome...

2010-10-12T20:57:00.001-04:00

Yup...

30 for 30: Best Hour of TV Ever?

2010-10-05T21:03:00.003-04:00

Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Steve and I are pretty much in hibernation at this point. It's getting cold, the playoffs have started Sox-less, the Pats are on BYE this week, that leaves us with very little. HOWEVER, tonight we had 30 for 30: 4 Days In October over on ESPN. Overall I don't suggest watching much on ESPN but these 30 for 30 documentaries are pretty kick ass and "4 Days In October" is 60 of the best minutes you can possibly spend in front of the TV. From Millar's "Don't let us win tonight" all the way to Damon's grand slam in game 7, it's goosebump city for all 60 minutes and at least 10 or 15 after. Sure, it's living in the past, but right now the past is a pretty sweet place to be.

For your viewing pleasure you can catch it again:

Tuesday Oct 5 :11pm ESPN 2

Thursday Oct 7: 11pm ESPN Classic

Monday Oct 11: 7pm ESPN 2

Sunday Nov 7: 9pm ESPN Classic

Thursday Nov 18: 11pm ESPN Classic

Bye-Bye

2010-09-29T06:44:00.003-04:00

Hi Folks. Just here to say good-bye. Nice knowing you, 2010. You fought (somewhat) admirably... at times. Other times you f*cking trotted Daniel Nava and Bill Hall out there and called this a f*cking team. Oh, and let's not forget John Lackey and his stellar 13-11 wicked high ERA and WHIP and SUCK factor to go along with all the millions they tossed his way. It's ok though. No bitterness here. Maybe only against the bullpen that blew more saves than... ok. I'm not stooping to that level of blow jokes. I need some time to collect my thoughts.

Hey, We're Alive

2010-09-23T06:20:00.003-04:00

Well, more alive than the Red Sox at least. You know when you get really busy at work that when you go home you think about work and when you go to your beer league softball game you think about work and when you're at work you think about sleeping because all that thinking about work makes you tired? Yeah. That's what's up right now. Thanks work.

Apparently it took roughly 5 months, but John Lackey pitched last night. I know, he's been "pitching" all season, but last night he actually showed up. Maybe if it was July and he turned in a 7 inning 1 run show then I'd be excited, but the guy's been MIA the entire year and now he has the balls to go out and put on a show against the O's in September with 20,000 strong watching? What a douche. Now during the off-season Teets can say how strong Lackey finished the year and deflect the angry energy and empty beer bottles that will be thrown his way. Can't this season just end already?

The Effin' Blue Jays

2010-09-19T08:45:00.003-04:00

I know how negative I've been about The Sox making any kind of run or at least making the remaining 6 Yankee games something to watch, but in the back of my mind I really did think they would make that run and make things interesting. I honestly thought they could. The schedule looked like it could work, those closing wins on the west coast swing, I really did think it could set up some kind of magic. Then the f*cking Blue Jays come in and f*ck things up. The god damn Blue Jays? We threw $35M worth of salary at them on the mound the first two games and got jack sh*t in return. Granted the season really ended when JD Drew caught that foul ball in Tampa back however many weeks ago, but now it's really over. O-V-E-R.

So, may I now direct your full and undivided attention to The Patriots. Last week was awesome. With all the sh*t that the Jets and Less-than-sexy-Rexy have talked this week it suggests another awesome game is in the works for this afternoon. Moss and Welker will not be visiting Revis Island, Brady is going to stay upright and this Mark Franchize character is going to get lit up like a friggin Christmas tree.

Tom Brady Doesn't Like You

2010-09-15T19:34:00.004-04:00

That's right. Tom Brady has an issue with YOU! I'm looking right at you. Yup, if you A) drive a red mini-van or if you B) leave a Patriots game early when it's a blow out so you miss the 27 hours of traffic/involuntary parking on Route 1.

"...when I looked up, half the stadium was gone when we were up 21 points early fourth quarter, which I wasn't so happy about..."

Oh Tom. You crazy SOB. Ok, so the guy got a little upset about people leaving. No biggie. Home opener, he expected people to stick around. It's not like he said something positive about the Jets in the same breath.

"I don't think the Jets fans leave early. They're going to be loud the whole game."

Well then. Whether it's the architecture of Gillette Stadium or the fact that people just aren't loud enough for all 48 minutes, Tom is upset. And you know what happens when Tom gets upset? He hits sh*t in his car. I have to go into Boston tomorrow and now I have to worry about Tom whippin' around a corner plowing into my ride.

For the record, I was at the game on Sunday and during EVERY SINGLE 3rd down on defense and offense EVERY SINGLE patron within eye sight of me was standing and cheering. Ok, there was a pretty drunk guy behind me that kept yelling at me for standing on every big play, but I think he thought he was standing and was getting upset that I was 18 feet tall and he couldn't see. For another record, I did leave with 6 minutes left in the 4th quarter because I knew the drive home to NH to would be killer enough without the Route 1 traffic making me want to murder everything in sight. So in closing, Tom, chillax brotha man. Keep throwing the passes and let us non-Audi crashing peeps worry about the noise level.

Is The Joker The Answer?

2010-09-15T07:43:00.004-04:00

If you can't see The Joker in the smile of Jed Lowrie then you sir, or madame, need glasses. Thick Coke bottle ones too because that guy right there might as well be wearing a purple suit jumping around getting "POW"-ed and "BLAM"ed by Batman himself. I digress. Last year, to put it simply, Lowrie sucked. Sure he wasn't around for long before he got some sort of virus that kept him out of the lineup most of this year too, but for a fragile looking Clay Buchholz type we all expected Clay Buchholz production, except at SS instead of on the mound. Lowrie didn't not (double negative there, catch that?) let us down with a sub .150 average and some crappy D to boot. This year in his limited action so far the kid has either run into a few more fastballs than expected, or found his power stroke. Whatever it is, if it's something positive we can take away from this year, well then god damnit I'm taking it.

Maroney to the Broncos? Ok I guess. Dreadlock McFumbles can take his indecisive dancing self else where. It's not like the Pats don't have another 20 RBs sitting back there waiting for their total of 3 carries a game. The Pats aren't a running team, they don't need a stud RB, so a combo of Old Man Morris, Older Man Taylor and The Law Firm should work out just fine on those short down situations. Besides, we're all about TE's in NE now right? Watch out Rex, there's not enough room for Gronk and Moss on Revis Island!!! That sounded kind of like Hulk Hogan. Brotha.

2010-09-13T12:01:00.004-04:00

That's the view that I had yesterday from my sweet ass seats at the only relevant sporting event that a Massachusetts based team is competing in. Sorry Red Sox, you have worn your 2010 relevance right the hell out. What a great game to be a part of at Gillette though. The D looked good, Brady was pumped right from the start and he hit the Patriots equivalent of Dustin Pedroia early and often enough to complete the 38-24 drubbing of the Bengals. Then afterwards we got an awesome post-game interview from Randy Moss that had a little bit of Allen Iverson (Contract? We talking about a contract?) mixed with a dash of reality bending BS when Moss said "I need to provide for my family. This is a business." I don't care to go through the iron he's made in his career but I'm guessing it's enough to provide for his family and my family. And my family has a nasty, NASTY Zebra Cake eating habit. Nasty I tell you. 30 boxes a day. They're like white striped cigs for us.

Anyways, it's football season now. Educated Cheese transforms into "Educated Whatever The Hell Sport We Can Find To Distract Us From Daily Work". Welcome to the new site. I hope you enjoy.

I Am Ready For Some Football

2010-09-11T11:18:00.003-04:00

Are The Sox still playing? More importantly, does it really matter if they are? On top of that, for late games like those against Oakland, I dare someone to tell me they actually stayed up past midnight to watch that crapfest.

On to more important things. Yes, more important than Tom Brady's fender bender, if something of that magnitude even exists. After such an, umm, awesome season of baseball, tomorrow marks the start of the NFL season here in New England. I will be at the game, sitting pretty on the 50 yard line with much thanks to my "contractor" friends for the sweet seats. If I wasn't excited enough for a sport to start up to distract me from The BoSox and their constant effort to suck more than they did the day before, with the start of the NFL comes another season of fantasy football. My life blood from tomorrow until February. Fantasy football is quite possibly the best combination of sports and gambling to ever grace this fine world. During baseball season I only have the attention span to watch one game at a time, but thanks to the other billion fantasy football nerds taking up space in this world, there are approximately 873 different ways for me to get info on my fantasy football teams 24 hours a day, therefore constantly feeding my habit.

Red Sox, see you in March. Please do something about that bullpen and try to keep the rest of the team alive and breathing, because at this point that seems like the next step in this process of DL trips. Patriots, see you tomorrow, you fantasy full filling sons of bitches.

Deodorant on Drugs

2010-09-10T06:00:00.002-04:00

Dear Old Spice Commercials,

I don't get you at all.

Signed,

Confused and Creeped Out

Brady crash

2010-09-09T16:01:00.002-04:00

New photo from the Brady crash...

Tom Brady - Not a Good Driver

2010-09-09T08:20:00.002-04:00

This morning local handsome QB hunk Tom Brady was in a car accident in Boston. Witnesses on the scene say Brady's vehicle struck another car on the corner of Commonwealth Ave. The police report states that Brady was "applying a 'Zack Morris' dose" of hair moose when he lost control of his Audi and hit an oncoming car. Luckily for Brady no injuries were reported, but he was late for his 8 AM hair styling session/yoga lesson.

If this isn't the best way to start the Pats season then I don't know what is.

Sox Recap - Sept 7th

2010-09-08T08:47:00.004-04:00

The game started out OK. Everyone was at a party, wishing this guy good luck as he moved on to a new job in Japan. It was hard to say good-bye to his ex-girlfriend, but it's cool, just have a few more shots. Then all of a sudden there's this rumbling outside an oil tanker goes under in the harbor, car alarms start going off nearby and buildings get demolished. Scary stuff. So everyone is running, scared, there's a monster, there's some military guys shooting, it got all crazy. At the end only two people survive, oh and a camcorder, because there has to be evidence of it all. Then something falls into the water. Weird.

Oh, by the way, I watched Cloverfield last night, not The Sox game. Why would I watch The Sox?

Tales from the road

2010-09-07T06:00:00.017-04:00

Been on the road for the last week, and couldn't have timed it any better as the Sox have gone Triple-A on us, and hung it up for 2010. I've been up in the Great White North (Canada, for those of you who skipped geography class). And because my only communication device is a Zack Morris edition cell phone, and thankfully Canadian hotel TV doesn't exactly highlight basebally activities, I came home Saturday only to find out the Sox had gone on a September bender and had laughably fallen 10 back. However, all was not lost. I did manage to sneak into the Skydome/ Insert Random Canadian Sponsor Stadium, and messed with all the Blue Jays stuff just so the Sox don't have to worry about falling into 4th place before the season is done (which may still happen).

The view from the "expensive" seats. In Toronto terms, that's $45. At Fenway that would get you napkin. Ok, half a napkin.

Don and Jerry's seats in the Skydome. I only know this because Rem-Dawg's gang tag was carved into the desk.

The media booth. I believe this is Dan Shaugnessy's phone. I blew snots all over it.

Little known fact: all of the infield seats at the Skydome rotate on cast iron wheels to convert the field for football. That's right, if someone where so motivated, you could hijack the seats at the Skydome. I'm drawing up plans as we speak.

The Blue Jay will never mess with me again. I honked his nose.

Me managing the Red Sox. As you can see there's nobody on the field because everybody is on the DL.

Me pretending to be a professional baseball player robbing Marco Scutaro of a double. Ha, I'm kidding myself... Marco could never hit one that far.

The impressive Vernon Wells view. With the dome closed, it almost feels like being in the Barnum & Bailey's Motorcycle Cage of Death.

The view from the CN Tower. Still can't figure out how the roof works. So I squished it with my fingers.

Stopped by Montreal for an Expos game. As you can see, it was a sellout crowd.

Pretty Sure Today Solidified Things

2010-09-05T18:56:00.003-04:00

This is not 2004. This team is not magical. Blame whatever, but stop pretending. Watch the games to watch the games and root on the team you love, but if today didn't solidify it for you that this team has no hope for October, well then you my friend are drunk. Crazy drunk off your ass drunk. I mean like you blacked-out and someone kept pouring booze down your mouth and you're still taking in that booze and you're drunk, drunk. That much. Sorry for the cold, hard reality, but really how many times can this bullpen do this and still expect fans to show up?

Football starts soon. Then those other sports with balls and pucks and whatnot. All is not lost in life, just in baseball for 2010.

How Do I Know it's Over?

2010-09-04T08:42:00.002-04:00

Being a bunch of games out of the wild card may be the most obvious sign, but I know it's over because this week I was offered up tickets to Saturday night's game... and I passed. I know, Manny coming back, beautiful weekend, why wouldn't you want to spend it at Fenway? I'm not really sure why I passed. I think if I went to the game it would have given me some glimmer of hope and I don't want that anymore. I know, the negativity of it all, it's horrible but right now there's no other way to feel. Seeing as The Sox have accomplished all this on their own, they can probably make it the rest of the way without me at any of their games.

Good Karma and a Chance to Hit Some Dingers

2010-09-02T10:59:00.003-04:00

As a website that apparently more and more people keep reading (I know, I’m shocked) we get a fair amount of emails regarding contests, charity events, advertising, all you can eat buffets, pretty much you name it and we get emails asking us to mention something. So far, I admit, I have done a horrible job at following up on these requests, and to those people that have contacted us, we apologize. So, in an attempt to get into heaven and slide the karma scale back to “Good” and away from “fiery hell pit”, I do believe we will try and accommodate some of the readers, especially when it comes down to charities.

As baseball fans and more or less stupid young men barely young enough to still attempt to live out passed years of glory, Steve and I both have/currently participate in an over 21 year old baseball league based out of Woburn, MA called Men’s Nighttime Baseball League. This summer tragedy struck a fellow player/manager’s son. My good friend Tony, with help from his fellow league mates, are putting on a charity event to raise money to cover the costs of the untimely funeral with any additional funds being donated to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. The fundraiser is being held at Ferullo Field in Woburn on September 18th from 11am to 3:30 PM. For those of you that haven’t been to Ferullo (which I’m sure many haven’t) this is a beautiful, full sized (as in dimensions similar to any MLB stadium) field where they will be holding a HR Derby for all levels of players, having some BBQ, a sweet raffle and just making an attempt to show someone how good the world can be when you need it. Steve and I will both be there to show our support and attempt to hit some dingers. I'm predicting I go bridge once... over the fence that they are putting up for 12 year olds. For more information check out the MNBL Homepage or email Tony at tonysalamone19@gmail.com .

The Unfairness of the AL East

2010-09-02T06:40:00.003-04:00

As we wait out the days until the Red Sox are mathematically eliminated (compared to just emotionally eliminated like now) I couldn't help but wish The Sox played in any division besides the AL East. As I'm sure you know, the best record in the MLB is owned by the jerks from NY. In the unfair world we live in, the second best record in the MLB also resides in the AL East with TB. The Sox fall into 3rd place in the AL East, 7 games away from 2nd place and 8 games out from the top. If Boston was in any other division in the existence of the world, or MLB, they would be tied for first place or at worst 3 games out of first and sitting in 2nd. In short, they would still be relevant. The 30 whatever games left would be interesting. Youk and Pedroia would want to come back. It'd be beautiful. There would be exciting September baseball. But no. Instead we're left sitting in 3rd. Looking up at two teams. Waiting for snow.

Thank You 2010

2010-08-31T20:23:00.003-04:00

Down by 3 to the lowly Orioles with whatever lethargic robot that is representing Josh Beckett on the mound after losing 2 out of 3 games that were all given the magic title of "must win" really makes someone question their sanity. It's getting to that point. That point where no matter how much positive mojo I want to throw at The Sox it doesn't seem to matter. Too many injuries, too many different guys starting in center field and too few pitchers in the bullpen that can actually pitch.

I said it before, all there is left to do is to go down in the biggest ball of fiery flames that a team can possibly go down in. Don't give away the series to the Yanks. Make them work for the division. Get into one of those quaint "stress relieving" brawls with a team that deserves it, like the O's or Jays. Give us, the fans, some sign that there is still life in this team and there will be a reason to turn on NESN next April besides constantly checking for a new episode of "Hot Shorts with Heidi". I'll take any of those. Preferably numbers 2 and 4.

Show's Over

2010-08-30T12:10:00.004-04:00

That annoying voice inside my head telling me that The Sox can win 2/3 of their games this weekend has since shut the f*ck up. Coincidentally, another voice (there are quite a few in there) that used to speak about playoff hopes and was constantly chanting "2004 4-eva" has been replaced by what sounds like the mix between a sick cow and a 12 year old girl crying. From what I can tell that voice has also poked its' eyes out and refuses to watch anymore games this year.

So, what went wrong last night? Let's ask John Lackey.

"Probably threw the ball as good as I've thrown the ball in years."

You don't say? This is pretty similar this comment he made after getting smacked around:

"I threw some of my best stuff all year. They just hit pitches they weren't supposed to."

Just because you didn't think they were supposed to hit those pitches doesn't mean they didn't want to, or weren't supposed to. Lacks has a problem with manning up and saying "I sucked tonight". Sure, everyone has a problem saying that, but if the guy just happens to have his best stuff every time he gets lit up then 2015 is a hell of a long way off. My prediction is he makes some amazing starts the rest of the year to make his numbers look respectable, and then everyone is left to argue about how you have to look at the entire year not just a snapshot. They'll be arguing while I'm gouging my eyes out.

Evil Genius or Incompetent Boob

2010-08-29T09:33:00.003-04:00

I'm kidding. Catchy titles sell, and we're all about selling newspapers, er blogs, here people. Anyways, you can't blame that one on Teets. It's much easier to go with the obvious and blame this one on JD, even if nothing was his fault. Well, nothing was his fault except that whole catching a pop fly in foul territory and having no chance of throwing the lone run of the game out at the plate because he was practically in the stands. Oh yes. That. Drop or not to drop? He drops it and then Joyce hit's a HR on the next pitch and Drew is even more of a chooch than we see him as now. I don't stick up for the guy much, but I think you make that catch just about every time. Extra innings and it's tied then yeah, you drop it, but 7th inning up by 1, you catch the stupid thing.

And the see-saw continues to see and saw and see again. 5.5 to 4.5 back to 5.5. Friday night was the height of awesomeness, while Saturday night was the low of lowliness. Friday was spending "quality time" with Heidi, Saturday was getting sh*t faced and mistakenly hooking up with Helga. Sunday? Well, Lackey is on the mound for yet another "most important start of his Sox career", so no pressure Lacks.

As We Inch Closer, These Are the Days...

2010-08-28T08:52:00.005-04:00

These are the days of our lives? Not exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking more along the lines of how nice it is to watch the worlds align: The Sox beating the Rays, The Yanks getting taint-slapped by the "other white meat" Sox and that frigging 6 game deficit finally getting chopped down to 4.5. It's fun to watch.

4.5 games is still a big tree to chop down, but with Buchs on the hill tonight and the team hopefully riding high on the mojo that V-mart was letting fly last night that 4.5 games could turn into 3.5 and then, well then it goes from there. The final two games of this series are big. The kind of big that makes me not want to watch the game because I think I'll jinx them by being too nervous in front of the TV. D.O. will sense my fear, he'll tell Remy who will obviously channel the nervous vibes down to the dugout and all of a sudden my phone rings and it's Teets from the dugout telling me to change the channel. I can't deal with that. I need to find something to do today. Sorry teets.

Oh look, something to do. Find more pictures of Clay's girlfriend. Sweet.

Oppurtunity Wasted

2010-08-26T06:26:00.003-04:00

Sure, a split isn't the worst thing in the world but with the Yanks and Rays both losing yesterday it would have been nice to bring the Mariners back out to the woodshed twice in one day and make up a little ground here before it's too late. It's little things like that (you know, not beating sh*tty teams) that may just keep this team out of the playoffs. Carpe The Diem here guys. Seize the f*ck out of that diem for Christ sakes. Get the diem. Just get it.

It's almost September. It seems like the whole season The Sox have been 5 1/2 or 6 games back. At the start of August it seemed do-able. 40 games to play, only need 6 games, sure why not? Now it's the end of August and it's still 5 1/2 games. We need sweeps and chokes and some well timed injuries to other teams for a change and maybe that will help this team make it all the way back but even then. 5 1/2 games? F*ck.

A Statue for Bud

2010-08-25T06:37:00.003-04:00

In the immoral words of Rocky Balboa, "Now the pigeons will always have a place to sit". We all know the statue should have been made to look like this, or like this. You have to honor the man that brought you the stadium that brought you the sausage race.

Yanks win, Rays win, Damon isn't coming back, what a shitty day and The Sox didn't even play.

I'll Take 10 More of Those Please

2010-08-24T06:43:00.002-04:00

Sox win. Yanks lose. More importantly, Lackey shows that he actually belongs on the field and not huddled on the ground of the dugout cleaning up sunflowers and wads of gum while Marco Scutaro rides him like some unruly "buro". Sure, it was only the Mariners, but teams like that with opposing pitches named Doug Fister makes for a must win game for The Sox.

As September comes creeping time is running out for the boys to win a few in a row here and there's only one way to do that: by grabbing Johnny Damon off waivers. That makes no sense at all, I know, but starting Marco Scutaro makes no sense. Bill Hall hitting 20 HRs in a year makes no sense. This team makes no sense! It all makes perfect sense! Bring back the beard!

At This Point I'll Take Anyone

2010-08-23T18:44:00.002-04:00

Damon, Manny, f*ck if Tom Brunansky was placed on waivers and available I'd take that slack-jawed bastard just to get some juice back into this team because lately if Clay ain't pitching, this team ain't winning. You have to admit, Manny or Damon comes back and that ups the 2010 mojo level up to some kind of "Neverending Story"2004 mystical shit level.

Bring back the beard!!! But he shouldn't wrestle.

Jed Lowrie is Sick...

2010-08-22T09:33:00.003-04:00

Sick of not hitting walk off home runs that is! Thanks to Lowrie and starting second baseman Yamaico Navarro The Sox pulled another one out of their asses and somehow kept the hopes of the season alive. Sure Yamaico didn't have any hits, runs or RBIs, but he did show up and I'm guessing Teets gave him a sweet nickname like "Yammy" or "Navvy" which surely powered The Sox through the later innings and eventually to victory.

Rays win. Yanks win. Ground gained = 0. Sure a win is great but we really need these other chooches to drop a few and make this dream of making the playoffs more of a reality. So yes, there still is a chance.

Well Kick Me in the Pills and Call Me Julie

2010-08-21T09:31:00.003-04:00

Pedroia. Back. To. The. DL. F*CK. Jon Lester got absolutely spanked last night and Pedroia is out for two more weeks, but if we're being honest here, it could be the rest of the season. The Sox are 5.5 out of the WC and 6.5 behind the jerkasses from NY. This is not a good day in Red Sox Land folks. Keep the positive thoughts flowing and let's see what this weekend brings. That's all I can muster up right now.

I Remember...

2010-08-20T07:02:00.004-04:00

I remember when a Josh Beckett start meant you were about to see some serious ass kicking served up with a side of snarling sh*t talking and when you turn your head for a second *Boom* your sister was magically pregnant. That's what a Josh Beckett start used to mean to me. Now it's more like you're watching this often injured jerkass give you 4 or 5 good innings then run into the showers to lay some pipe to your mother's daughter but instead he comes out all dejected because she doesn't like sissy boys, then *Boom* 5 runs come across the plate.

Both *Booms* have some sort of effect on the way you think of Josh the next morning, but I'd rather be an uncle again instead of having this sick feeling that no matter how close this team gets this year the two highest paid starting pitchers just aren't going to be able to step up and give them a stop or a start when they need it. No sir, you've got about 4-5 people on this team that I trust with the ball in their hand right now and sadly Josh Beckett just isn't one of them.

I hate to get all statty this early in the morning, but quickly looking at this team 3/4 of the way through the season is surprising as hell. As of right now the Red Sox rank in the top 3 teams in the entire MLB in the following categories: Runs, Hits, HRs, 2B, RBIs, OBP and slugging. Sooo, all the offensive ones, and that's with guys like Bill Hall, D-Mac and Daniel Nava roaming the OF for the majority of the year. Remember back in March when we were worried about the offense but there was always the pitching to fall back on? Yeah. Me either.

John Lackey, I'm Quitting You

2010-08-19T06:30:00.004-04:00

As far as I can remember I've always approved of the signing of Lackey. He was the best free agent pitcher on the market at the time, The Sox wanted to solidify their starting 5 for a few years and they had to make a splash during what turned out to be an otherwise eye gougingly boring off-season. They sold it well and they made it make sense to me, and maybe to you. Man did they fool me. What happened to that screaming angry son of a bitch that brought the pain and scared the taints right off opposing batters? I mean the weather here has been warm enough this year to remind you of So. Cal so that shouldn't be an issue. Do you miss your precious rally monkey? Jumping around like a God damn idiot flinging poop at the cameraman the second they pan off him. Is Wally not good enough for you? Is that what it is? He doesn't throw enough poop for ya, tough guy? Huh? I'm talking/slurring at you Lackey!?! Watching Mumbles Jr. take the hill lately is nearly as frustrating as watching Daisuke, except by some amazing feat Daisuke actually has a lower WHIP and ERA than sissy boy pictured above there. As per the usual, I turn my back on you, flailing Red Sox, star in hopes that this anti-jinx will light a fire under your sluggish ass and you will return to form when the team needs you.

I realize the negativity of it all. The Sox won so I should be in a good mood but of course Tampa and NY won too so no ground is gained and right now it's all about ground. One more against the Halo's tonight and I just hope Beckett shows up so I'm not writing another anti-jinx spot again tomorrow.

Just a Tuesday Night

2010-08-18T06:23:00.004-04:00

What did you do last night? If you're Clay Buchholz then you scattered 5 hits (wicked baseball term) over 7 innings, gave up no runs, presumably stole zero laptops and then got to go home to THAT. I can't even fathom the mojo that she brings into Clay's life but whatever she's bringing this year it is working pretty damn well. I bet she's a great cook. Yup. That's probably what it is. Great cook... and that tan line. A little bit of both.

For those of you super connected into the wide world of internets, The Cheese has a Twitter. I still don't know exactly what it is, but over on the left hand side there it reminds me of what I was thinking 20 minutes ago. I'm thinking it will be good for grocery lists and reminding myself where I put my keys. Look forward to TONS of relevant Tweets. Or Twits. Twites?

I'm Back... Possibly in Black

2010-08-17T11:59:00.004-04:00

I'll admit it. This year I (we/The Cheese) have backed down. We crawled into our "bridge year" hole and didn't want to see the light of day. The injuries, the heart breaking losses, 'fun prevention', the signing of Marco Scutaro; my heart just hasn't been in it for a good portion of this season. However this morning I looked up and saw that The Yanks and The Rays were tied atop the AL East and Wild Card Standings and just 5.5 games ahead of The Sox. By my count there are 43 games left which is a little more than one-quarter of a season. The Sox play TB and NY a total of 12 more times with 6 of their last 10 games of the year being against the Spanks. Plenty of room to move some games around and shift some October golf plans back another month.

Tonight Dustin Pedroia is back in the lineup on what everyone knows isn't a fully healed foot. I take this as a sign. Stars are starting to align. A NY and TB slump (they play each other 6 times still) combined with Josh Beckett taking his own head and John Lackey's out of their collective asses and the return of the worlds biggest spark plug (aka Pedroia, he's gotta the worlds biggest something) could lead to some pretty serious happenings around here. Vegas and the rest of the gambling world has the odds against the Sox even making the playoffs. I know this isn't 2004 but God damnit this last month of the season could finally be something to rally around here. I'm in! Fire up the Rocky music and someone find the janitor from Rudy because I want to be so motivated that I got this sh*t pouring out my nose. Tonight, it starts.

I'm Going to be Sick

2010-08-14T09:30:00.003-04:00

That just about sums up the last few games. It's like a competition to see who can blow a game and when the ball is handed to Wake late in a game I have this nasty 2003 acid reflux going on in my stomach. There are 40-something games left but there might as well be 4. The way they've lost the few make me wish there were only 4. Besides that, I'm kind of at a lose for words. I'm more in a "screaming at things" mode. "Hey Wall! F*CK OFF!!!"

Go Down Swinging

2010-08-07T10:30:00.003-04:00

I'm going to keep with my "they're already dead" theme. Why? Because it works. The Sox know if I am not giving them all my love and support that they need to kick some ass to get me back on their side. (If only my opinion mattered that much).

Right now you can't think of standings you just have to think of handing out as many taints as the schedule will allow for. Last night was a good start. Go into NY, have one of the young guys go bridge (hopefully something Kalish makes a habit of), have Ortiz go bridge and let the best pitcher on the team right now keep the bad guys in check for 8 innings.

It's a good start which could lead to a great series so now we look to the new guy to keep the mojo flowing. Seems that Lackey has had some pretty important starts with regards to 'keeping the mojo flowing' this year but now is the time to bring it. Personally, I'd like to see some angry Lackey. Preferably the good "pissed off f*ck you while I take your mother out to a steak dinner" angry, but if things go south I'd like to see him blow off some steam and show the rest of the team that there is in fact something going on here worth caring about. Mr. Lackey, the Goonies are waiting on One-Eyed Willie's ship. Please go help them.

Oh, that image up there, that's the good luck picture for the week. Arod is going to be looking for some man ass to comfort him after this weekend of beatings.

Season = Over

2010-08-05T18:49:00.003-04:00

Stop it. Wake up. It's over. It's not like I'm the only one thinking this sh*t. Youk is out for the season with a bum thumb. By my count there are 2 other position players on this team that haven't gone on the DL: Scoots and Drew. By my count there are 2 position players that I kind of hope wake up with their testicles super glued to their thighs: Scoots and Drew. If that dynamic duo being the only two NOT to get banged up this year isn't a sign that some greater power was acting against The Sox this year, then I don't know what is.

While I may not think this team is going to go anywhere past mid-late September, I do know what they need to do right now and that's go down in a greasy flaming ball of fire taking as many blood sucking AL East teams with them as they can. Yankees, (Devil) Rays, I'm looking at you. Watch your backs. All of yous.

Mike Lowell is a Good Guy

2010-08-03T20:31:00.002-04:00

Youk to the DL (to be fair he's one of the only 2 guys not to be there yet) and Lowell gets promoted to The Bigs. In true Mike "F*ck you for keeping me down" Lowell fashion, the dude put the first pitch he sees over Tha Monsta. Wicked pissah dude. As for Youk to the DL though? Come on?!? My belief is that there is someone that pulls the strings of all the teams in the MLB and obviously that person wants no part of a team featuring Marco Scutaro to make it anywhere this year. With all the injuries (the count is at 74) this team could have actually competed... but the strings keep getting pulled. Damn you strings. Damn your stringyness.

As for our updates, or lack thereof lately, well sometimes life gets real and gets in the way of our love of Sox and bloggy goodness. We're here and somewhat alive and we'll try to give this whole "posting more than once a month" thing a try. Not that we're really missing any good baseball as the Sox just kind of complacently lament (I don't know what either of those words mean) in the middle of the AL East, but we will try.

Joba The Suck

2010-07-27T21:05:00.006-04:00

When I can't stand to watch the Sox while they are on the West Coast (read as I can't stay up that late) it's just as satisfying to put down the Yankees. Today, or yesterday I don't really care, the Yankees demoted Joba from "setup guy" to "guy that sets up the set up guy when the starter doesn't go as long as he should". So while the title may sound more prestigious, it's not. Even Joba's mom knows it's not good news. What was that Joba's mom? You had something to say?

Grumble grumble where are my drugs? Grumble grumble.

What a woman.

Excuses

2010-07-26T06:19:00.004-04:00

What's your excuse for not watching these games? I was down the Cape this weekend and by 10pm (or 4pm... fine after ) I'm far too intoxicated with beach air and Sam Summer to stay inside and watch The Sox try and f*ck up a good thing as much as humanly possible. I caught a few innings Saturday night and once someone said "Hey, Lester has a no-hitter going" I promptly excused myself from the house and waited outside until my space age phone updated me with the inevitable news that The Sox had managed to blow the game. I was actually impressed that Adrian Beltre didn't somehow bull-charge Lester to blow the no-no, so things weren't all bad.

Now to ignore the sox and give a big shout out to Netflix. With this summer being oppressive in the heat and Sox-sucking department, I've managed to stumble across a good number of movies to pass the time ignoring Bill Hall and Eric Patterson. Last night, "She's Out of My League". Very stupid movie, but I'm always a sucker for the underdog-dude-gets-the-hot-chick flick and it delivered. Up next, "Hot Tub Time Machine". Roughly looks like the same movie, except for that hot tub that is really a time machine. Awesome.

Only Eric Patterson Can Save This Team!

2010-07-23T07:09:00.002-04:00

And he did. Well, it was more like the errors from Scoots and Hall and the general suckyness this year of Manny Delcarmen blew the game, but E. Patts (It will catch on) saved The Sox in the bottom of some un-Godly inning where it was probably 2am on this side of the country. I didn't stay up for the game, but I did wake up an extra 10 minutes early this morning (Friday morning meetings, really?) and read the box score to myself in the voice of Sean McDonough while picturing Eck's stash and mop flowing in unison in the breeze, so it made the game pretty exciting for me on the whole.

Today is Friday. Today, yet another member of the All-Star DL Team comes back to play baseball. Today it's Josh Beckett. Wake goes to the 'pen, Beckett takes the mound against a Mariners team that made The Sox look stupid last night, so tonight I say Josh let's it all hang out. The guy should be rested and ready to fire so while there's a good chance I'll be asleep by the 3 inning I can't wait to hear Bob Montgomery calling the game for me tomorrow morning.

Not Even Jed Lowrie Can Save This Team

2010-07-22T07:26:00.004-04:00

What are you going to do when even the great Jed Lowrie comes off the DL, which he's seemingly been on since Julio Lugo was on the team, but can't help this team win a series? I'll tell you what you're gonna do: run into the corner, assume the fetal position and start crying like a little girl. Ok, maybe not yet, but the time is fast approaching for that option if the Sox keep dropping series to teams like the A's. Yeah I'm psyched to get Becks, Pedroia and V-mart back in the next few weeks, but can you imagine how pissed Pedroia is going to be if he comes back and they are out of it already? The dude's been fielding grounders on his knees, taking batting practice out of a chair, submerging his foot in a sub-atomic mixture of frozen yogurt and Icy-Hot all to "keep the machine greased up" and you want him to take a look at the standings when he comes back and see that they need to gain 5 games on TB just to make the Wild Card? Go ahead, you go tell him that and I'll go try and explain to Carl Everett that whole "dinosaur" thing again. I just hope he doesn't get punchy again.

It's Times Like These...

2010-07-19T07:43:00.003-04:00

... where I run and hide in my basement and flip through old baseball cards while trying to remind myself that I still love baseball, and guys by the name of "Bill Hall" and "Kevin Cash" aren't the names that the ghosts of Fenway will be chanting when that places come crashing down in a few years.

Honestly though people, with every game lost while the majority of the team is the on the DL, it inches the team that much closer to being out of contention by the time Pedroia, Beckett, V-mart, etc, return from the infirmary, which means all of a sudden Patriots pre-season action starts looking better and better. Don't get me wrong, I don't want baseball to end. Hell, they've pretty much made it so there's only 3 months to the off-season already, but if this team is going to continue to put us all through the ringer I'd rather not even bother sweating out September. We've already heard Theo say he's not planning on shopping this deadline, and 6.5 games back and 3 out of the Wild Card makes me think that there's no reason to call his bluff on this one.

Tonight is the Night

2010-07-17T09:21:00.003-04:00

The Sox look like sh*t. 100% grade-A B.S. I know this next statement isn't accurate; but the entire season relies on the right arm of John Lackey tonight. Yes, the season. After sliding like they have slid over the last two weeks they need something to stop this crapfest of constant beatings and while they have Lester out there tomorrow, they need someone else to sack up here and be a stopper right here right now. As in tonight. Hence the season riding on how John Lackey pitches. Tonight.

Now I know everyone has been on the Lackey Hate-Bus since he got here because he hasn't been dominating like a guy they're paying $19M a year should be, but even Beckett had an off year in 2006 when he first got here. Then Becks kicked some serious ass in 2007, his second year, so maybe Lackey turns it around early. Early like tonight. Send the guy some mojo, and maybe an iced coffee because it's hot as hell out there.

The Limp Home Begins

2010-07-16T05:34:00.003-04:00

And what a way to begin. Wake got his taint handed to him early and that was it. 6 in the first and it was over before it ever started. Great way to start off the second half of the season for the Sox. I gotta say, I'm pretty psyched about this team right now with guys like Eric Patterson in the starting lineup and bringing the great Kevin Cash back for another go, how can you not be optimistic about this team right now? Combine those heavy hitters with Theo's recent comments about how he doesn't see the team making any major moves at the deadline because there's no one out there and you've got yourself a pretty kick-ass 2 1/2 months of baseball left. Sure, they'll get a lift when (if) they are ever able to field their team that they put together back in April, but at this point it might not be enough. Yup, that's me right now, wicked optimistic and totally looking forward to Felix Doubront starting tonight.

George Doesn't Like His Chicken Spicey

2010-07-14T20:12:00.002-04:00

George Steinbrenner did amazing things for baseball. He created an empire (the "Evil" part came later) that grew beyond anything he could have possibly dreamed and became the envy of many teams around the league. This of course involved a horsesh*t load of money being thrown every which way and the constant hirings and firings of every single member of the Yankees Organization at some point. The firings are amusing to hear about to this day, but it's the money thing that really had a lasting impact on the league. Was he alone responsible for the rise in contracts to the insane amount they are at now? For the destruction of the hopes and dreams of the small market baseball team? Eh, maybe. Dude was a Yankee, he was capable of anything.

Sox Lose and Yankees Fans Are Still Jerks.

2010-07-10T20:45:00.003-04:00

Today. Seattle.

In the first inning of The Yanks/M's game a ball was hit into RF foul territory and Ichiro brushed up next to that girl. Yes, the one freaking out. Here is the video if you really want to see how it went down. Anyways, besides that girl freaking out like she just won something (to be fair it looks like they gave her a free baseball and shirt AND she got to touch Ichiro), that dude on the right continues to give overweight moron Yankee fans around the country a good name as he bobs into the shot (right around :47 seconds), throws up 5 fingers which is a gang sign for "I'm A Stupid Fat Yankee Fan" and then goes back to his seat after he's ruined every one's meal at home. Thank you fatty.

Ok, back to your Saturday night.

Cleveland Rocks?

2010-07-09T05:09:00.004-04:00

Drew Carey's take on Cleveland: It rocks.

Lebron's take: It has rhythm, but South Beach makes me dance.

The combination of a Sox off-night and Lebron taking over everything sports means chances are you watched Lebron tell Cleveland to F-off while making the move down to Miami. Personally, I like it. There are 80-something games in an NBA season and you can bet every single team out there is going to be gunning for this super Heat team.

Was it selfish to have a prime time show RIPE with ESPN commercials to announce his decision? Eh, probably. Will Lebron win a ring down in Miami. Eh, probably. Will there be riots in Cleveland. Eh, probably. Did Jordan leave the Bulls after getting beat by the Pistons 3 years in a row? Nope. He resolved to win, and did so. Even if Lebron and company win 2 titles, then bring in Chris Paul and win 4 more, it's not going to be Lebron's title. I'm just glad "the Decision" is over.

Also, I hate ESPN more than ever. Different post, different time.

LeBron going to New York

2010-07-08T20:18:00.002-04:00

You heard it here first... LeBron to the Yankees. Our photographers were even able to sneak the photo of LeBron with the Yanks hat above. The Cheese can scoop breaking news with the best of them. We're the TMZ of the sports world. We're hearing Josh Beckett and Jessica Biel are dating. Scandalous! Stay tuned for more info.

I'm going on the DL

2010-07-06T07:30:00.003-04:00

This weekend I had too much to drink, ate waaaay too many burgers, gorged myself on at least a dozen pieces of pie and then thought it would be a good idea to the same thing again on Sunday... and Monday. Hurrah for me. Rather than go into work and face the perils of sitting at a computer all day where I can't eat mass amounts of animal flesh and am not allowed to drink ice cold beer, I've decided to pull a Drew and put myself on the DL. Of course this means absolutely nothing because I am not an athlete in any sense of the word, so this is really just another stunt to make sure my wife really meant it when she said "... and I take you with or without the Educated Cheese." Which she really did say... or something to that extent. I just kept re-playing that wedding scene from Old School in my head and chuckling to myself during the ceremony.

To be quite honest, I didn't have much time to watch The Sox this weekend. Well, sure I had time, but while we had 4 kegs, a grill, a pool, smaller nieces and nephews to fetch us whatever we wanted at any time of the day, the one thing we don't have hooked up outside my uncle's house is a flat screen. I did see that they dropped one to Baltimore, bringing their season record against the worst team in baseball to 6-6. I know they're trotting out something that barely resembles a spring training split squad right now, but I honestly believe the O's are even worse than that and they keep losing to them. I'm not expecting 18-0 against them for the season, but right now maybe 9-3, or 8-4, for f*cksake just something about .500. The fact that The Sox are even in this "race" right now in the East is amazing and if things stay this close all year these stupid little pencil d*ck games against the O's are going to mean something. There, I have unleashed thy furry. Take me to the All-Star break... and give me another beer.

Eat, Drink and Be American

2010-07-04T10:55:00.002-04:00

Happy 4th everyone! Everyone have a safe and happy 4th and if you're crazy enough to fight the crowds and the insane heat and be at Fenway for the game today, well let's see if you can't will the Sox into first place. Keep safe and God speed everyone!

The Anti-Jinx never fails.

2010-07-03T07:27:00.002-04:00

Never. Ever. Yesterday I poke fun at JD and his lack of, well, everything, and last night the dude comes through with two dingers. You can thank us for lighting that fire under JD's namby-pamby ass by questioning his toughness/string of injuries/beliefs in dinosaurs. Wait, that's Carl Everett. I always get the two confused. Regardless, that whole game reeked of Drew though. The game itself was only 2 hours and 7 minutes, the quickest game in Boston since 2008 or something but it was definitely the quickest game I ever remember seeing. Yet another sign of Drew because judging by the emotions just constantly pouring out of the right fielder he would rather be home, so a quick game let's him get back to fishing or building model cars or whatever mind numbing activities it is that he does during his off time.

This is really how quick the game was and how bad the umps wanted to get to dinner: The 3rd string catcher, aka our starter of the next month Kevin Cash, even threw out a runner while Wake was pitching. Wake?!? That's some quick sh*t.

1/2 game people. This could be a very happy fourth of July weekend for Sox fans. Sh*t, I just jinxed it.

JD Drew Puts Himself on DL Early

2010-07-02T06:32:00.003-04:00

In a move that Terry Francona is referring to as "heroic", JD Drew preemptively put himself on the 15 day disable list with, at this point, an undetermined injury. Drew had this to say:

The other day, after that sore neck thing, I felt like there might possibly be something else there. I'm not sure if there really is anything wrong with me, but there was such a good chance that there could be that I decided to put myself on the 15 day just to be safe.

"You know, we're in a crunch right now. We've got guys like Pedroia, Ellsbury and V-mart with broken bones, and that's easy to evaluate, but when JD does something like this and essentially saves the whole organization a ton of time, well it's really the player putting the team first." Tito was heard saying in the clubhouse after the game.

Dustin Pedroia, the team's spark plug who is on the DL with a broken bone in his foot, heard the news while out fielding grounders from his knees. "I'm out here f*cking taking grounders on my knees. JD is smart. He hasn't actually done anything baseball related in weeks. That's how you prevent stuff from happening."

The praise for JD and his forward thinking didn't stop from his coaches and teammates. "We were looking at last years stats again last night for the 830th time and we found another 6 obscure stats that JD led the team in last year." said GM Theo Epstein. "People don't realize what he does every day and the fact that he doesn't swing at every 7th pitch on Tuesdays and how that helps the rest of the team."

For now JD is available to come back to the team in the 2nd game after the All-Star break but the grumblings around the clubhouse are that his leg has been looking weak lately and may require an entirely different trip to the DL.

Groundhog Day, Part Deux

2010-06-29T05:00:00.002-04:00

When the groundhog sees his shadow on Feb. 2 every year, its just an idiotic reminder of the 6 more weeks of winter to come. And yesterday was the summer version of Groundhog Day. Yup, 6 more weeks of sh*tty play from second base, because as we found out from the groundhog/ doctor that it'll be 6 weeks until the return of the Laser Show. 6 goddamn weeks of Bill Hall. Meanwhile, thinking it was cool to damage bones because Pedroia did it, Victor heads to the 360-hour DL as well with an ailing thumb. And the only good news about more playing time for Bill Hall and Tek is that you'll find some pretty sweet Fenway deals on Stub Hub.

Also, the Cheese returned from Colorado safely. While we weren't able to get on the tube with our stupid sign, rest assured we irritated the sh*t out of the Rockies fans in our section... all 4 of them.

Educated Cheese hits the road

2010-06-22T04:30:00.002-04:00

The Educated Cheese caravan is packing up the Sam Summer and hibachi grill and taking a road trip out west to go watch the Sox play in Colorado. By caravan, I mean first class flight. And by first class flight, I mean coach.

Regardless, get the DVRs ready, and look for us on the NESN broadcast of Thursday night's game at 8:40pm Eastern time, as we'll be making asses of ourselves and holding up the sign above, doing our best to make the baseball-watching world notice us. And if you don't see us, you'll know that one of the following happened:
A) Got on the wrong flight. Wound up in northern Russia.
B) Got way too drunk, had too many rocky mountain oysters, and got kicked out of Coors Field before the NESN cameras noticed us.
C) Remy was offended by my cartoon drawing of him and requested that he not put us jackasses on TV.

Off to the thin air.

Boo or Cheer

2010-06-18T18:06:00.003-04:00

Manny Ramirez returns to Fenway tonight for the first time since being shipped to Sh*t-town, USA (better known as Los Angeles, California).

And we have to ask the question that everybody has been asking... as a fan, when Manny steps to the plate tonight... will you go for the Bud Light or Miller Light?

Here we go.

2010-06-17T21:34:00.002-04:00

Warning: Game 7s are bad for cardiac health.

Get the defibrillators ready. Go Celts.

HEY! We're alive!

2010-06-12T14:45:00.004-04:00

Barely. Sometimes work is a bitch. Alright, work is always a bitch. We send out our deepest sorrows that we were not able to uphold our posting promises this week as Steve and I have both been held hostage at our respective places of employment. We did however round up the wives and successfully book a trip to Colorado to see The Sox take on the Rox in what is hopefully a replay of 2007.

As for those pesky Sox bastards they seem to be keeping up the "Doing well" and "Sucking something awful" every other game routine that we've started to become accustomed to. The Indians are just a miserable team but they somehow managed to sneak (11-0 is a sneak right?) a few games out of them this week. Now we move on to the worst time of the year besides the day before and after the All-Star Break: Interleague play. Granted The Sox have had some good years against the AL Jr. teams, but I still don't like it. Some pitcher is going to get injured while hitting or running the bases and that's all we'll hear about for weeks to come. They started out on a good foot by punishing Old Man Moyer. 1 down, only like 18 more or something? What a way to ruin June.

Wins, wins, wins

2010-06-09T06:40:00.003-04:00

Sox are winning. I'm a fan. I don't care how close it is or against whatever crappy team they're playing because when they win, I'm happy. To be quite honest though, I've been on some sort of a bender as of late, tearing it up for the one year ann'y here, so I haven't had much time to catch a lot of these games. Apparently when I'm not watching, the Sox win. So for the rest of the week I don't think I'll be watching any games, just checking a few box scores here and there making sure the W's are still rolling in.

Do you think that post sucked? See, the weird thing is, I took the Ray Allen approach. I practiced this post for 3 hours straight, with no one else around so I'd have total concentration. Now the other night I did the same thing and brought some of the best material ever seen here (umm, the exact post slips my mind) but now I do the same method and stink up the joint? What gives? It's almost like I went 0-13 on this post and wouldn't STOP SHOOTING THE GOD DAMN BALL ALL NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T MAKING A THING. I can't blame Jesus Shuttlesworth though when it comes down to it. The dude could crush me with calf muscles if he so wanted. So, I'll be nice, look ahead to Thursday when He'll Get Game back and tie the series back up.

Today, The Cheese is 1

2010-06-07T08:01:00.004-04:00

One year ago today The Cheese was born. I signed up for this "Blogger" thing with a rough idea of something, I'm still not really sure what, then I emailed the info to Steve, he made a few banners, we put some posts together, emailed each other a bunch of ideas, watched "Summer Catch" 13 times to get some Biel-like mojo going and then drew up some MS Paint versions of the 2009 lineup and 491 posts later it's been a year of Cheese.

To everyone that reads this thing daily, weekly, monthly, or somehow just stumbled on here today, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read our nonsense. It's been a big part of our lives for the last year and we appreciate everyone reading and making us feel like we've accomplished something besides memorizing "Summer Catch".

Our apologies for the lack of posts lately but we've been getting pretty hammered celebrating the one year anniversary. Actually, we're just really busy at work, but don't tell anyone because I don't want that bad ass image that we've worked so hard on to be spoiled by people thinking we're hard workers.

Oh yeah, Sox lost to the O's. Again. Want some stat knowledge? Here you go: The O's are 7-23 against the AL East. 4 of those wins are against The Sox. Ouch.

Adrian Beltre is some sort of animal

2010-06-04T21:55:00.003-04:00

Beltre = Animal. Let's review the facts:

Until recently the man didn't wear a cup while playing. He's a 3B where the ball comes at you at approximately a billion MPH, give or take a million, and he believed his pills were made of steel. He now wears a cup because he did in fact take one off the nuggets and found out he is not really made of steel.
He took out Ellsbury on a flyball while refusing to back down and then did the same to Hermida tonight. This might not be a good thing, but the point is you don't stop Adrian Beltre from getting to the ball.
His home run swing makes the guy drop to one knee he swings so friggin' hard. It's like some sort of explosion when the bat hits the ball and the blast zone has a 4 foot radius which then makes Beltre hit the deck. Catchers and umpires are luckily safe from this blast because they have all that padding on.
Oh yeah, and he's hitting the crap out of the ball so far this year.

Point proven. Beltre = Animal.

All that for nothing

2010-06-04T06:56:00.002-04:00

18 hits and no win? What the hell is that all about? If we had a personal stat boy here at The Cheese I'd ask him to put down the container of peanut butter Cool Whip he was so gently caressing and check out when was the last time a team got 18 hits and still lost the game. Chances are it was last year or something and it's a very common occurrence, but it doesn't seem like it should be. 18 knocks is a lot and deserves a W. Kind of like blackjack if you take enough cards you should be handed a win, same in baseball. If you can average 2 hits per inning you should win. Someone get Selig on the phone. Stat boy!!!

One quick question I was pondering yesterday as my Yahoo! scoreboard kept telling me that Wake was inching closer and closer to that magic 9.00 ERA: Why did they sign this guy to a two year contract this time around instead of just constantly updating his 1 year handshake deal? I know he had quite the magic start to last season, but after that he did some time on the DL and then got knocked around pretty good. I know he's done what has been asked of him for the last 75 years here in Boston, but it doesn't mean I really want to watch him struggle through this deal here.

Celtics - Lakers

2010-06-03T06:00:00.002-04:00

Its tough to capture the awesomeness of Lakers-Celtics with just words (though Bob Ryan comes close), so for now, we'll go to the video to get the adrenaline flowing...

(note: you feel like a movie director if you play them all at once)...

Russell's block...

McHale's clothesline...

Bird-Magic "Choose Your Weapon"...

Garnett block, Odom tackles Ray...

Celts comeback in 2008 Game 4...

Garnett hanging and banking, Celts cap title with 131-92 win in 2008 Game 6...

Get the caffeine ready. Round 12 tips-off at 9pm.

Horsesh*t

2010-06-02T22:11:00.002-04:00

Umpire ruins perfect game. yuck.

Griffless

2010-06-02T21:51:00.002-04:00

Ken Griffey Jr. retired. Sure he had a hall of fame career, but his greatest accomplishment was his brief cameo in Summer Catch hitting a dinger of Freddie Prinze Jr. What, you never saw Summer Catch? Shame on you. Cue lame trailed complete with Biel eye candy...

Behold the Power of the Anti-Jinx

2010-06-02T05:20:00.003-04:00

Sometimes it's intentional but most of the time it's just dumb luck (the best kind). So once I got riled up enough last night to make my anti-Lackey and anti-Sox post, from that moment on the Sox started kicking ass. It tends to work like that. My honor kind of waivers and then all of a sudden the team shows some life. It's like I have a direct brainwave link with Teets and company in the dugout. He gets a feeling that the positive vibes aren't all flowing and fires up the troops. It's quite amazing really.

You do however have to know your limits on how many times you can use the anti-jinx. The good thing is, after you use it once, chances are you'll be riding high for a few days and won't feel the need to bust it out again. Case and point, after last night I'm satisfied. Well, satisfied with the win. I think Lackey is still a chooch until he turns a corner here or something, but I can call myself satisfied for the time being. Of course with Daisuke pitching tonight, I'm thinking the satisfaction is only going to last til he walks his first 4 batters and I'll be anti-jinxing the f*ck out of him.

So When is John Lackey Going to, You Know, Pitch.

2010-06-01T21:03:00.002-04:00

Oh, you need an explanation to the title? OK. How about a frustrated one? Will this do?

When the f*ck is this sloth looking mother f*cker going to show a glimmer of the $18M a year he's getting?

Is that better? Honestly though, I feel like I'm in some kind of Twilight Zone bizzaro world because I'm still stuck on the wins against Philly and the sweep of The Rays and the sweet mojo that was being brought our way until The Mighty Kansas City Royals came to town. Now tonight we get to watch Lackey give up 11 frigging hits through 5 innings so far, all while The Boys are throwing up a fat-ass goose egg on their end of the scoreboard. I'm sorry for the rantish post but the realization that this team might have already met and surpassed all expectations just makes me want to buy some more stock in Sam Summer and start paying off my own credit cards.

In the Battle of the Hot Girlfriends

2010-05-30T09:20:00.004-04:00

Last Night's Battle Royale Featuring:

The Girlfriend of Clay Buchholz

vs.

Greinke's Girl

There is now way two nerdier looking guys could land hotter chicks unless... actually, there is no "unless". Those two guys look like they should be working at Office Max rather than professional athletes and I'm sure their respective girls are into them for their knowledge of laptops and burritos, respectively, and not because of their giant paychecks.

I'm not sure what to think about the last few games against KC. The Sox were riding so high after Philly and TB and this was about the worst way they could have possibly come down from that short of anyone winding up in a dumpster behind a BBQ joint. Maybe they wrap up the series with a win today? Maybe no one shows up because it's memorial day weekend and everyone is too busy attending cookouts? Maybe I'll actually get a chance to sit down and watch a game this weekend instead of being busy attending all those cookouts? Or maybe just knocking back a few more Sam Summers will keep me from asking "maybe" about everything.

"FINAL"ly

2010-05-29T09:20:00.004-04:00

Celtics ended the roller coaster ride last night and closed out those softies from Florida. Another trip to the NBA Finals, which I think start sometime in August. Should be fun.

Meanwhile, the Sox lost to Missouri little leaguers.

My Definition of WHIP

2010-05-28T06:50:00.003-04:00

I'm about to get all statty on yo' asses.

WHIP = Walks+Hits per Innings Pitched. Easy enough, right?

However, with Daisuke on the mound, every other time out (or every time it's more than 74 degrees out with a relative humidity below 76% and there are exactly 157 people in the crowd named "Bob") he'll put up one of these "stinkers" that we're now accustomed to seeing. When he does pull this sh*t, he creates a new acronym for WHIP.

WHIP = Why the Hell Is (Daisuke) Pitching. 8 walks? Really? Against the Royals? Since the 1980's they are one of the least intimidating offensive teams in the entire MLB and Daisuke chose to walk these guys left and right.

There's nothing worse than a rally killer and while Daisuke was a big part of the rally starting last week, last night was just total BS. Sure it's annoying when Beckett has his ups and downs, and watching Lester struggle through April isn't the easiest thing to swallow, but watching Daisuke throw a game like that last night blows those other things out of the water. I don't really expect more out of him, but I'm pretty sure if you looked at a clip from him during his almost no-hitter and then one from last night, you wouldn't know which one was which. The guy hasn't shown an emotion since he got here so you almost figure he's OK with sucking so bad. I'm not OK with it. Me. The important guy. Take note.

Hello 3rd Place. Sorry, Just Passing Through

2010-05-27T06:22:00.003-04:00

That's right, wassup 3rd place? You feel so much better than that dirty, nasty 4th place that I've been fooling around with for the last month. All those round edges in your number, it's like you and I were meant to be... well meant to be for right now. I don't want to lie to you and start this new relationship off on the wrong foot so I'm going to tell you right now: There's someone else. She's called 2nd place. Oh yes. The number 2. Not quite as many curves as you, 3, but the combo of curves and straight lines, it's really what I'm looking for right now. I know, 2 is taken right now and that's cool. I think you and I can have fun for a bit. See a few movies, beat up on the Royals, A's and O's and maybe the Indians, then if we're still together then we'll kind of re-evaluate where we are and go from there. How's that sound 3?

Remind me to never explain to my children about dating. I have a feeling it won't go so well.

I Pitch, Therefore, I AM

2010-05-26T07:20:00.002-04:00

That is an EXACT quote from Jon Lester. Fine. Maybe it's not. But maybe if Lester would show his deep, intellectual side, along with his taint handing pitching/ass kicking side, then it would inspire some others on the team to show their philosophical sides a bit more. I for one would love to know Pedroia's take on the matter of being.

If I am, a laser show, then the laser show is really me. And THAT, is, what I am.

Or how about Wake's thoughts on consciousness?

Is my dreaming life a reality, or am I really dreaming? Does my knuckler float in the air, or is my knuckler the only thing not moving?

Or Youk's explanation of sex vs love?

I love it. Sex that is. Love the sh*t. But, I don't sex the love. You know what I'm saying?

I know exactly what you're saying, Kevin. Exactly.

This Team is Hovering on Interesting

2010-05-25T06:32:00.003-04:00

A few wins vs. The Phils with some stellar pitching and a dash of hitting and now a similar victory against another hot team and all of a sudden these guys might be on to something. This unheard of all around good play matches up perfectly with Ells and Cameron coming off the DL which is great because Bill Hall and Old Mac are starting to wear out their welcome in the OF. Besides Beckett and his balky back (oh alliteration my old friend) things are finally looking up for 4th place in the AL East.

Now you all know how we feel about jinxing here at The Cheese, and that blabbing above is some of the most jinx-tastic stuff I've put down here all year, but I don't think it's going to matter. That's right, there's a run coming and there's nothing my meaningless banter can do to hold these guys back now. It's time. We know this team has more to it than they've shown so far and God damnit I'm actually excited to see it.

Sh*t, I really do hope I didn't jinx that...

Game On

2010-05-24T19:35:00.002-04:00

Celtics- Magic, Game 4. Get your brooms ready.

I leave you with Rondo's steal, J-Will being a D-bag, and KG being KG...

Daisuke + Tek = Good

2010-05-23T13:31:00.002-04:00

It's that simple. Put Captain Quads behind the plate with Dice-K on the hill and you've got yourself some pitching. I'm not saying it's V-mart's fault that Beckett and Daisuke do better with Tek behind the plate, but, well, they do. I don't even know how to describe the mo-ey mojo that Daisuke had working last night. 24 outs, no hits. It was special. The best part of a near no-no is listening to the announcers (I was radio-ing it last night) try to avoid jinxing it by saying "no-hitter". Joe C. did a good job, using just about every work around he could think of. I approve.

Wake goes for 2 out of 3 vs a team that is a lot better than The Red Sox. I'll take 2 out of 3 in Philly, especially with 3 against The Rays coming up. I don't know, I think Shakey Wakey is gonna bring it today.

We're up, we're down then we're down.

2010-05-22T07:42:00.003-04:00

I didn't watch the entire game last night but by the end of the series I can see Remy really ripping Citizens Bank Park apart because of its, umm, interesting choice in size. There's no doubt that the lines are short, the fences are short, and besides The New Yankee Stadium, it was home to the most bridge shots last year. Obviously the sizes work against the home team too, but me thinks we'll hear Rems give his $0.02 on the park sooner rather than later, especially if The Phils hit some 258 foot liners that find a way to clear a wall.

As for the game down in cheese-steak-ville? I think we all felt the electricity in the 9th. Bases loaded, 2 outs, Ortiz stepping to the plate. Well, as hot as the big fella has been lately, the alluring smell of thinly sliced beef and gooey cheese must have been too much for Ortiz to over come.

Sorry, what would a game in Philly be without THE commercial.

Is This Man Back?

2010-05-20T06:48:00.003-04:00

Is he? He's been on something of a tear lately and if I didn't just jinx it by giving the dude some props, maybe we can expect something of a resurgence from Ortiz. For the first time last night when Ortiz came to the plate I didn't get that "lose my Chipolte" feeling that I usually get when I combine a delicious burrito with the current version of David Ortiz. Instead I thought to myself, "Man I love Chipolte. Oh, Ortiz is up.". Look, I'm just being honest.

Anyone else think it's weird that the Sox will play 2 separate series at different ball parks in the same time it will take the Celts to play two playoff games? At least the big 4 should be well rested.

Btch, moan, btch, moan, repeat.

2010-05-19T07:44:00.003-04:00

So the Yanks have their collective fancy Ralph Loren underwear all up in a huge collective panty twist over Manny Delcarmen getting to warm up while relieving Josh Beckett last night after Becks left with a back injury. To the panty twisted Yankees I say this: Let us have this one you pompous jackasses.

Look, a good part of me has already written this season off due to the piss poor start. I realize they can come back and 4th place isn't that bad (I can hardly type that) but it's going to take some 2004 type magic to get that mojo going and to be honest I don't know if I see that magic in this team. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm done with it all, mainly because whatever drug John Henry slips into my coffee every morning definitely keeps me coming back each night, but until there are some signs of life (and I don't count an error infused top of the 9th to get the W as true signs) I am just holding my emotions in check a bit.

Lastly, how many guys on this planet can pull that fake-the-behind-the-back-pass to a lay-up that Rondo did last night? I'm going to try it in my old man rec league. The over under on the number of groins I pull is 2. I'd take the over.

Season, meet toilet

2010-05-18T06:35:00.002-04:00

Wooooooooooosh. Yup, there she goes. Right down the crappa.

Of course I'm kidding (kind of) but losing a game that was already lost, then almost won, then lost again, well that sucks. I tried my damndedest to anti-jinx them last night but once I got back into the game it was Papelblown time.

Another game back. Back to under .500. You know it's bad when you're keeping track of the Jays to see if you gained ground on them. They also lost last night. Look, something to feel positive about? And here I didn't think it was possible.

Ahhh sh*t

2010-05-17T19:33:00.003-04:00

Daisuke's first inning is looking like some classic foot to ass action. The bad news is that The Yankees are playing the part of the foot. 5 runs right now (2 outs) and old Timmy Wake just started warming up in the old bullpen in the old first inning. Daisuke should only be allowed to pitch on nights when I don't have to work the next morning because even if I'm not having a single drop of liquor I still feel hungover after watching him throw.

Made it out of the first with no more pain. Whoop-dee-f*cking-do!!!

It's not your fault.

2010-05-17T12:51:00.006-04:00

Scene from Good Will Hunting:

Will: [Sean is going through Will's profile. Inside we see are pictures of Will after brutal assaults by his foster parents] You ever have any, uh, experience with that?
Sean: Twenty years of counseling, I've seen some pretty awful sh*t.
Will: No. I mean, have you ever had any experience with that?
Sean: Personally? Yeah. Yeah I have.
[Sean looks away for a moment]
Will: I'm sure it ain't good.
Sean: My father was an alcoholic. Mean f*ckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered, looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings...
Will: He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose."
Sean: Well, I gotta go with the belt there.
Will: I used to go with the wrench.
Sean: Why?
Will: Cause f*ck him, that' why.

Yanks, Twins, Phillies and Rays up next for the Red Sox...
Choose your beating...

4th Place

2010-05-16T09:42:00.002-04:00

That's right. In case you weren't watching closely enough, The Sox aren't just playing catchup on the Yanks and Rays. They currently occupy 4th place in the AL East behind the Toronto Blue Jays as well. Yes, they currently rank behind Canada when it comes to baseball playing ability. 37 games down, or just over 20% of the season, and we're still waiting for these guys to hit their stride. How long is this going to take?

Watching Ram-Ram walk in the winning run in extra innings is one of those "last stand" things. It's also one of those "throw up the cookout food you attended earlier in the day" things because at one point The Sox were up by 5 runs AND were issued 12 walks in the game. I know. 12. Sure they scored 6 runs, but they were handed twelve frigging free bases!?! Speechless.

Almost speechless. Go Celts!

One More Thing Out of the Way

2010-05-15T09:13:00.003-04:00

For all intents and purposes, hockey ended last night for 100% of Red Sox Nation. Sure there's the 1% that follow some non-local team but we don't really recognize them as "people". Just one more distraction out of the way before we give all our attention to the Red Sox. Right now The Red Sox are the red headed step child. You know, the one that gets beat and wedgied all day long by everyone. They are playing 2nd fiddle right now to the Celtics but at least they are no longer playing 3rd fiddle. I think that's how fiddles work, I'm not much of a fiddler.

Think of it though. It's genius. Why play well when no one is watching? Who are you going to impress? Die hards that have some sick gene already programmed into this sick heads who watch no matter what anyways? Who cares about them/us? We'll be there tomorrow no matter what. Maybe it could be that the Red Sox are just being team players? They've stolen a lot of the attention over the last 7 or 8 years and they are finally sharing the spot light. Considerate and smart? Could it be? Or maybe being considerate and smart is their downfall. Just like so many other guys that are "smart and nice". The girls don't go for the smart and nice guys because they usually have an unusual amount of body hair... or some obsession with defensive sabermetrics. Sound familiar? You know who isn't nice, or smart? The Yankees. They're dumb hardasses. Even dumber and harderassed? The Rays, because they're that much younger than the Yankees AND they're good looking. Triple threat.

What we have here is your common case of nice guys finishing last. What we'd like to avoid: Finishing last.

We Are All Witnesses

2010-05-14T06:43:00.002-04:00

That "We" includes Lebron.

See you soon Mickey.

Oh yeah, go B's!! Only a few minutes left. Need a score.

Suck it, LeBron

2010-05-14T04:00:00.001-04:00

He's packing his bags and checking out New York real estate tomorrow.

Celtics vs. the Orlando Dewey Howards next. F*ck yeah. Go Celts.

Hey Dale Scott: Watch Your Back

2010-05-12T18:12:00.003-04:00

Afternoon Game!!! That means nothing gets done for the second half of the day at work. Technically nothing really gets done the first half either, so day baseball is the biggest anti- production event ever, and that's just fine by me.

On to the title there. Dale Scott, the home umpire this afternoon, single handedly ruined the Sox entire game plan (the plan being totally sucking for 2 1/2 hours and then start hitting in the bottom of the 9th) by calling Ortiz out on a strike that was waaaaaay outside and then nearly got Adrian Beltre to blow a gasket when he called a check swing a strike, even though it wasn't even close. Now was Papi ready to break back into pre-2008 mode and blast a home run? Probably not, but Dale didn't know that. For all Dale knew Ortiz might of had a pre-game shake and been ready to tear the cover off the ball. He was already 2-4. Maybe this was Ortiz's day to bring it back? Maybe Dale Scott needs a flaming bag of sh*t on his front steps tonight. Maybe I'm right. Maybe I should look up the laws of threatening people via blog form before I go any further?

Who Was That and What Did You Do With My Daisuke?

2010-05-11T22:20:00.003-04:00

On second thought, never mind. I don't want to know what happened to the Daisuke of old, I just want this new one to stick around for, oh, another 2 years. Without consulting with the Educated Cheese Stat department (A helper monkey sitting in front of a computer) I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Mr. Matsuzaka has never had a start where he hasn't issued a free pass. Add almost double digit K's to that performance and all of a sudden this looks like the guy the brain trust invested all the cash into and not the walking heart attacking inducing machine we've grown accustomed to lately.

Is it just me, or is anyone else kind of ticked that for the Celts ass kicking of the Cavs that all the stat headlines just show Lebron and his 15 points? If a team gets smacked around by 32 points, who gives a sh*t about the bitchy super star who went 2-14 on the losing side? Every member of the Celtics starting 5 except for Perk had a more impressive line than Lebron. I'm sure I'm blind to the Pierce/Garnett/Allen unwarranted love that they receive a lot of the time, but this one just got to me.

Also, doesn't Eck's HOF plaque picture kind of look like Gary Busey? And by kind of I mean I'll never be able to look at Eck the same again... again.

Waking Ken Griffey Jr. is Worse Than Waking a Dinosaur

2010-05-11T09:28:00.008-04:00

Christ. I hate Seattle. Griffey, get in here and
pinch hit. Jesus! Where is he?

I don't know sir.

Who are you?

Jesus. Jesus Colome.

Oh. Well, go find Griffey.

::in the clubhouse::

Snore, grumble, snore. Take that Ryan Dunne. Snore, grumble.

Griff. GRIFF! Wake up! Coach wants you to pinch hit.

Jesus, what the? Oh, hey Jesus. Tell him I can't, I'm sleeping.

Coach, he, ummm, is not there.

Jesus!!! Not there? Well, I didn't want to do this.
Someone go let Milton Bradley out of his cage.

YO! Time for Milt to shine in a non-depressing manner
in the most weather depressing city in the world!!!

Yo, Milt, it's me, Crazy Carl. Watch out for those dino's out there man.

Ahahaha, you crazy Carl. There's no such thing as dino's!!

I know man, I knew you'd like that. Go hit the ball you crazy SOB.

Take What You Can Get

2010-05-10T07:49:00.005-04:00

Tin Cup is an awesome movie. That's right, watching a golf movie was better than watching the Sox this weekend. Someone has to step up and be the punching bag in the AL East this year, and so far The Sox (7-12 against AL East opponents) are the punchees of the group. Seeing as they play more than 40% of their total games against the East, it would be wise of them to start showing up to some of these games on a more regular basis.

Apparently all the Sox could muster (God I sound old) this weekend was one win, and according to my snappy title, that's what we get. A win is a win, and two losses are just that, two losses, but when during those loses your team is outscored like 24-6, it starts to make the 3rd game of the series seem more and more meaningless. They could have won last night by 20 runs while A-rod and Jeter ran into each other trying to catch a pop fly, both rupturing their Achille's and it would still have been a crappy weekend because of the Friday/Saturday drubbing. The bitter taste, she is still there. Blue Jays be damned, this team needs another sweep right now.

Happy Thoughts

2010-05-09T06:00:00.002-04:00

Since the Sox have checked out early, in fact, before Memorial Day, lets review things we can actually look forward to this summer while the Sox sit on the back burner:

Ironman 2 - I'm a big fan of movies, and sometimes bordering on movie "snob". While far from meeting the standards of the first one, it was extremely well done, and I highly recommend seeing it in IMAX. Plus, Scarlett Johansson.

World Cup Soccer - Soccer is awful. But its hard to dismiss what amazing athletes soccer players are, and how intriguing the game becomes when put on the world stage with intense patriotism involved. In bandwagon fashion, I'll be watching.

Toy Story 3 - Pixar. Summer. Blockbuster. Ingredients for success.

Sam Summer - The always reliable summer beer of choice.

The High Life - a close second.

More Twitter posts - ... from Lebron's elbow.

The Celtics landing Lebron and/or Dwayne Wade - kidding. I've had too much beer.

Go enjoy the summer, kids.

Double Gah

2010-05-08T22:23:00.003-04:00

That guy drove in 5 runs today against the Red Sox. No, that's not the infamous Mark Teixeira Face (Damn thing haunts me in my dreams on a regular basis). That right there is Francisco Cervelli. Yes, THE Francisco Cervelli. The back-up catcher that had 5 RBIs today against the Red Sox pitching staff that included Jonathan Van Every. Yes, the outfielder who was fed to the wolves last year against the Rays. Well it got so bad, 14-3 is pretty f*cking bad, that Teets had to call in the substitute sub. The worst part? Van Every gave up 2 runs in 1 inning while an actual relief pitcher, Scott Schoewnenwhatever gave up 4 in 1 2/3 innings.

Blame it on the rain, the cold, the delay, the fact that the Yankees have a lineup that can actually scare opposing pitchers while the Sox are still sending out Darnell McDonald and Bill Hall on a regular basis, blame whatever you want and call it whatever you want, but what it was was the 2nd straight b*tch slap to our guys in our house. If the Sox had girlfriends, they would be going home with the likes of guys named Cervelli and Randy Winn and Ramiro Pena. Come on, I don't want to lose my wife to a guy named Ramiro again.

Gah!

2010-05-08T10:13:00.006-04:00

Since the Red Sox season is over, I'm not talking about them until we get into mocking territory (probably a good 10 wins under .500).

Instead, we'll talk about fried chicken. I saw a commercial for the new KFC double chicken heart killer, which they dare to call a sandwich. Call me old-fashioned, but I thought a sandwich required bread to be involved. So Colonel Sanders, you're meaning to tell me you have to grab the fried chicken and the mysterious glue in the center that keeps it together? Hats off for being so daring, and making me gag even more than the Red Sox are capable of doing. Internet find of the day.

Trifecta... More Like Die-fecta

2010-05-07T21:20:00.003-04:00

No, none of the games are over yet (technically) but The Sox just got hosed to the tune of 6 runs in an inning. The Bruins just gave up the go-ahead goal with 5 minutes left and the Celtics were down by 30 last time I felt enthused enough to change over to ESPN. These multi sport nights are pretty exciting when things are going our way, but they sure do suck something serious when all the hometown boys are getting taken out behind the woodshed to have their manhood questioned.

You can thank me for the reverse jinx

2010-05-07T07:42:00.003-04:00

That's right, last night I took the actually time to display my feelings on one Daisuke Matzusaka, and right after I'm done laying my love on the line in convenient internet form, what happens? The dude turns it around, the offense turns it on and The Sox end up finishing the schweep of the DBs (DoucheBags) that knocked them around and down in October last year.

After what, 3 full years now, I guess this is what we're going to get from the Dice: 5-6 innings, 3 or 4 runs, some walks, zero emtion shown (less than JD Drew possibly?) and a crapload of money spent on a guy that is usually mid-shower by the 7th inning. You know what though, for this team, for this year, he fits. This team is such a strange combination of defensive role players and mis-matched fading stars that Daisuke can kind of just sneak in under the Ortiz/Lowell radar, make us forget that Mike Cameron is supposed to be the starting center fielder, cover up the pain of the recent influx of Bill Hall in all our lives, and if he does all that and comes away with a win, well then all is ok in The Nation.

And now, spoken in the voice of the announcer from Wonderland Dog Park (RIP), "Here commmmmmmes The Yankees". If you've never wandered through Wonderland with a leaky flask of Jack Daniels in your coat pocket while sifting through old Trifecta tickets, brother, you've never lived.

Mother F*cker, Daisuke

2010-05-06T19:40:00.003-04:00

1 inning in, that's just three outs (3, if seeing the number helps at all) and Daisuke has given up 3 (three, in word form) walks, 4 (four, not like the golf fore, but the number) earned runs and 2 hits. To make things better on a team wide scale, the Angels stole 3 bases off the Dice/Martinez connection... in the first inning. Yes it's only the end of the 1st but this is not the way the 4th game of a schweep should start. Maybe I jinxed it by calling it a "schweep". I am sorry.

Oh yeah, Doug Meintcheizbve8wz signed a minor league deal with the Marlins today. I feel bad for the person that has to make his jersey. How many "Q"s are in Mientcqhezbvdfvq&5siz? Oh. two.

So That's How It's Supposed to Work

2010-05-06T06:25:00.003-04:00

A strong start from Lackey, some nice defensive plays from Beltre, Scoots and Pedroia and Ortiz going bridge like it was 2004. I think this is more how Theo and Co. saw things unfolding this year. Winning games 3-1 isn't as exciting as a good 10 run explosion, but for a team that is all about "fun prevention" this is what we get.

With that W last night, the Sox pulled themselves back up to that elusive .500 mark. Kind of sad that they're still sitting behind a team from America Jr. but what are you going to do?

Schweep tonight would be schweet.

Hey look, it's Mike Sciosica winning a Macbook. Look at how excited he is. And now neck-less he is.

Jon Lester Makes Things Better

2010-05-05T06:43:00.003-04:00

Really. He does. This makes two straight taint handings that Lester has handed out to the opposition handily. Lots of hands working on the side of Lester here in case you didn't know.

It appears that these Red Sox are going to be the off/on/off/off/on team that will single handedly (more hands) give half the Nation simultaneous heart attacks some time in the next 4 months. In one hand (no clue where this hand sh*t is coming from) it makes the team seem more exciting, but on the other (you know) it's really kind of aggravating to not know what the hell is going to happen night to night.

Tonight Lackey faces his old team of marble mouthed mumblers for the first time since he brought his marbles to Boston. The Sox have already cleared the air about the Angels coming back into Boston on the same high they left last year but standing wise it'd be well advised if they got up to that .500 mark and stayed up there for more than 18 hours.

Oh yeah, that's Mike Scioscia winning the lottery. Pretty excited, isn't he?