Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Almost forgot, Sox clinch the wild card... with a Texas lose. "Dear Angels, thank you for doing our dirty work. See you next week when we try to pound your head in. Love, The Red Sox."
November. Another season closes. Usually around the time I realize how much time I've wasted on ESPN and Baseball Reference.
December. Hot Stove sizzles. Sox start addressing some needs. Spend money that doesn't belong to me, but still, I needlessly pretend that I have a say in how its spent. The Theo Epstein voodoo doll gets alot of pins in it during December.
January. Nothing happens in January. Except for snow. Sometimes snowballs look like baseballs. Thats the only connection I can make there.
February. Much like how I forget Valentine's Day, in February, I completely forget all the problems the Sox had the previous year. It is the month of unsolicited optimism.
March. My birthday (yup, the entire month), and with it comes a bunch of really boring exhibition Florida baseball. Also, Remy and DO in Floridian clothes.
April. Season starts. Clean slate. 162 games ahead of us to fill our spring and summer nights. The highlight of April is Marathon Monday when Sox baseball starts at around 11am. Bacon and baseball. That's f*cking heaven if you ask me.
May. Sox beat some teams in the division. Expand their division lead to 6 or 7 games. A lead we know that will fizzle down to 2 or 3 at some point soon. ho-hum.
June. Interleague. or as I like to call it "nap time."
July. Midseason. The All-Star game. I've always had a fascination with the All-Star game ever since I was a kid. Cable TV was at its infancy then, and nationally broadcasted games were few and far between, so I think I enjoyed it because I could see all my favorite baseball cards come to life all in the same game. Now the game is full of apathy, despite homefield advantage in the world series. Ok, that's enough nostalgia for one month.
August. Usually some kind of slump and a few big losses to the Yanks in August. While others begin to get more interested and cynical in August, I drift off here. I have the attention span of a retarded cat. 162 games is too much for me. I cross my fingers that the Sox make it to the playoffs, and I tell them I'll meet them there in October.
September. Pennant races tighten, gets really exciting and nerve-racking. But my attention span just can't handle it. Heidi and Kathryn and all the other pretty girls at NESN tell me what happened the morning after. Meanwhile during the downtime, I try to expand myself by taking up new hobbies.... like graphing my interest in the Red Sox.
October. There's a couple meaningless games to close out the season. And thats the signal to remind me that the playoffs start soon, and that I probably missed my wife's birthday on the 3rd. I usually buy her something extremely un-romantic to kick off the playoffs... like a 'Hooray! The Sox won the Wild Card!' sweatshirt. Then playoff baseball. I get really excited, like planning my entire week around where I'll watch the games, what kind of beer I'll drink, what things I'll throw across the room when the Sox screw up. Its a fun month of baseball, that usually results in the loss of alot of sleep and slow, groggy mornings. I stupidly put all my emotions into these games and my mood is solely dependent on how well the Sox did the night before.
And now I'm 12+ paragraphs into this thing and just realizing that I may have a problem...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
January it's cold out. I think about baseball a lot, but I also get sick of the term "hot stove" and then there's all those owners meetings and crap.
February it starts to get interesting because spring training starts, but then it dips because you forget how boring spring training games are and how sad it is that the Sox/Yanks game is all hyped up and the starters are out after 2 innings.
April, full swing. The fact that baseball is on TV makes me teary eyed. This trend continues through June.
July last year I got married so I had other stuff on my mind. Also the ever looming post all star break Sox slump comes into my mind. Then in August it starts. I get antsy for playoff time and September gets even worse to the point where I stop watching all together and get all my baseball information through Sportscenter and other Sox blogs.
October finally comes around and it's the first team to 11 wins. I'll watch any playoff game on TV and refuse to miss a Sox game unless under my own superstition rules of when I can't watch.
Nov and Dec it's cold, baseball is over. Cue up the Globe running some story about how the Sox are pursuing some guy over Thanksgiving dinner and watch the Yanks sign a huge name.
Repeat year after year, except the wedding thing. One is good.
Monday, September 28, 2009
But here at the Cheese, we'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness. There were many positive things that we can take from this weekend. I mean the Sox have all but sealed the envelope on the Wild Card. And when Bud Selig and his cronies invented the Wild Card in 1994, they gave a playoff key to many teams that would otherwise be dusting off the golf clubs in October. And some of those teams have actually taken home the trophy, notably that little-known 2004 team. So as you sit here on a brisk Monday soaking in your tears from a disappointing weekend of baseball, I ask you to take a brief look at the glorious history of consolation prizes...
Michael Jordan - Drafted third to Sam Bowie and Hakeem Olajuwon in 1984. Bulls didn't complain.
Saved by the Bell - Sure Kelly was the most beautiful and popular, but if you can't get her, you take your chances with Lisa or Jessie.
Ms.Hooters Contest - Even if you don't get elected Ms.Hooters, apparently the 2nd place prize is free Hooters hot wings for life. So while that only leads to getting further away from the title as they pack on the hot wing weight, lets face it, who wouldn't want an unlimited supply of Hooters wings? I mean thats why everyone goes there, right?
Strongman Competition - We've talked about Magnus Ver Magnusson here before. But despite all his successes, he hasn't always pulled the cart of cement blocks the furthest. In fact, back in '98, he lost in the final event (throwing the giant boulder over a 40 foot wall) to Hans Brubaker. 2nd place for Magnusson. Luckily the consolation prize was a gift certificate to Big & Tall. Now he's the sharpest looking guy who can dead lift a Buick.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Freddy. Jason. Mike Myers. Pinhead. All those dudes above. Those are nightmares to most people. Mine, which I probably jinxed a million times by now, was getting swept by the Yanks this weekend in NY. With the sweep, The Yankees not only clinch a playoff spot but they reach the 100 win mark, ALL WITH OUR SOX WATCHING. I feel beaten right now. I'm trying to take solace in the fact that the Sox are still playoff bound and a match-up in the ALDS against the Angels is a good thing, but right now it doesn't seem to be lifting my spirits too much. Tomorrow is another day, next week is another week and there is some serious motivation now for October.
1. Take out their best starter with a liner during the first game of the series.
2. Pound away on the bullpen for the remainder of that game while letting the team get just close enough to think they can come back.
3. The next day, have your #1 fat guy mow down the other team for 2 1/2 hours, but don't score too many runs just to keep it interesting.
Yup. That's what this weekend has been about so far. Not fun to watch. The nightmare of letting the Yanks get #100 in NY against the Sox lay solely in the hands of one Paul Byrd tonight. This is a must win. If not for the whole 100 thing, just for the non sweep and to go into this last week with a shred of dignity. Do it tonight. Do. It. Tonight.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
No pictures today people. That's a mojo thing. Less pictures, more mojo.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Hello all. I'm Victor Martinez, star catcher for the Boston Red Sox and proud owner of the Vmart chain of discount department stores. Vmart is proud to offer you a wide-range of wonderful products. Among the many things you'll see at our stores...
- We sell only things that begin with the letter 'V', like: vans, vegetables, and vacuums
- Instead of TVs, we sell VVs. Same thing, twice the 'V'.
- Mondays are our 'blue light' specials. Everything costs 55 cents (5=roman numeral V)
- At our in-house butcher shop, you'll find nothing but delicious venison.
- We've got a travel agency, where you can book vacations to Venezuela (my homeland).
-We've got used Volkswagens and Volvos that go "Vvvvvvvrooom".
- Check out our wonderful mattress section and catch up on a few 'Vvv's'
-You like Elvis? We've got 'Viva Las Vegas' playing on a loop.
- All our employees wear V-necks, including Frank Viola.
- We've got valet parking!
If you need me, I'll be in the 'Horrible Jokes' department.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
10-0 vs the O's. For those of you non-baseball nerds, that's a constant nut kicking. I had to re-check the stat sheet to see that, umm, Brian Anderson and Josh Reddick both hit home runs last night. For them to even get in the lineup takes an injury or an over aggressive lap dance to a regular starter, so when those guys start going bridge something is going right.
I can tell the playoffs are getting close because when I woke up this morning it was 51 degrees n the house downstairs. That means I forgot to shut the windows, and that October is nearly upon us. Down side, this is the time of the year that everyone forgets about baseball and puts the Pats first which is fine, but just remember folks, totally blocking out the Sox will strip them of their mojo. Just ask Dr. Evil.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
In baseball news, the Sox beat the O's. Not much has changed all season in that department. Why am I up so early on a Saturday morning? Oh yes, the Delonte West nightmares. Now I remember.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Now that we've settled that, the Cheese Science Department will start on an outfielder slugger for next year.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
That dad deserves a "Father of the Year" award for restraining from yelling at his kid. We could have monster seats and my dad would throw me over the edge without thinking if I pulled a stunt like that.
He lost a foul ball, but you know that guy is going to use tape of that incident when she gets older...
Girl: "Dad, I need to take your car to the party tonight. Everyone is going."
Dad: "You? Take my car? Hmm, let's go to the video tape..."
We'll start with an open letter to Chipolte...
On a warm September day, I came home to find a coupon for a free Chipolte burrito in my mailbox . The coupon basically said "Hey Steve, come to Chipolte and get fat on us." And I'm not turning that offer down. Despite your past affiliation with the land of Big Macs, your burritos are delicious and addictive. I would not be surprised to find out that you wrap nicotine in those tortillas. And now as I sit here with a stomach full of black beans, rice, and mysterious Mexican sauces, I feel all the more unhealthy, tired, and generally unmotivated to do anything for the rest of the day. Your burrito wins.
So anyways, on the topic of baseball (which I think is the theme of this blog), the Yanks and Jays brawled last night. The Blue Jays decided to ignite a fight because beating up guys in pajamas is way more fun than playing mediocre baseball, and I couldn't agree more. Though I don't know if I start a fight with the Yankees for the simple fact that C.C. could mistake you for a couch and decide to sit on you at any time. Back in Boston though, Frasier takes the hill.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
That being said, the 3 game taint-handing of the Rays should be signs of things to come for the next month or so. The Sox know that the Pats have started and are trying to steal the sports attention thunder in Boston and they are not happy about it. So unhappy infact that they trot Dice-K out to mound tonight against John Lackey. I was at the game last year that Lackey nearly no-hit the Sox until Beardy knocked one over the monster. Dice should be fresh to say the least, so let's get it on!!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Anyways, on the topic of football, you may be familiar with Cris Collinsworth, announcer for NBC's Sunday Night football, and d*uchebag extraordinaire. Cris added to his d*uche resume this week when this incriminating You Tube video surfaced. Its a young Cris, during his playing days, describing his dating philosophies (you can spare yourself the 80's commercials by fast forwarding to the 42-second mark...)
"I'm not gonna deny it, I walk around with hundred dollar bills hanging out of my pocket...I like girls that aren't too bright because you can trick 'em a little bit...high school girls love me. Fourteen to eighteen, I'm a big star with them. As soon as they mature, after they turn 18 years old, they start to figure it out."
(Also, is there any better medium to destroy reputations than YouTube? I mean they might as well buy the rights to www.Black-Mail.com.)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
A 6 inning win is a 6 inning win too. Beckett looked ready to beat down the Rays all night but the mighty rain Gods only let it go 6. To make things even better, the deadly M's took care of the Rangers which makes the Sox 3 up in the honorable wild card race.
Is it just me, or does the wild card feel dirty? Obviously it worked some magic in 04, but after taking the division in '07 the WC feels, well, like 2nd best, which I guess it is. I know I shouldn't be complaining, but apparently I am. It was easier to accept the Rays taking the division, but now with the Yanks approaching a 100 win season (which the Sox haven't had since Teddy Ballgame) it just further drives home the point that the Sox are the 2nd best team out there and there's a good margin between the 2.
What would help me is 2 wins today and a tighter grab around the nuts of the WC. Yup, that will do alright by me.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I had nothing going on last night but a 99 cent pizza, a few beers and a date with NESN but the rain felt like ruining my chance at the perfect night. Now we wait. Sunday is a double header and today is another rain filled day that already effed up my tee time this morning so we'll see what happens with tonight's game.
However, Dunkin Donuts is open and Field of Dreams is on. And they serve beer at golf courses at 7:30 AM. Might not be the worst day ever.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Case in point, Roy Halladay.
Except his given name isn't Roy. It's Harry. Harry Leroy Halladay.
Take a moment. Say it out loud to yourself.
What the f*ck were his parents thinking? Was he sired by Dr.Suess? Harry Halladay. Sounds like a clumsy magician who never quite perfected Houdini's methods. I mean, credit to Roy here for tricking people to name him Roy and Doc instead of Harry. He could have been known by his goofy cartoonish persona, Harry Halladay, and been yet another sad victim of poor parenting. But instead he's Roy, a dominant major league pitcher with a Cy Young award to his credit.
So what's my point? Well, I guess I don't really have one. But I can assure you, if that a$$hole is wearing pinstripes this time next year, his name is f*cking Harry.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Not to be a jerk or nothing, but Hollywood needs The Cheese. There is no doubt we love baseball movies. I've seen "The Rookie" 18 times, and I'm referring to the Charlie Sheen cop movie, not the Dennis Quaid baseball movie. I watch it just in case those fat cats over at TBS decide to switch things up in the middle and give me some Jimmy Morris like I asked for. As proven movie aficionados, here are some ideas of how to spruce up your regular baseball movies, and give the movie-loving public something they deserve...
Summer Catch & Release - Starring Freddie "fast pitch noise" Prinze and Jessica Biel. Freddie quickly throws his arm out in the majors (it was pretty clear seeing as Griffey hit one out off him in the movie) and Freddie is now destined to return to the Cape and become a fisherman. Thing is, he's a horrible fisherman because everything he catches, he throws back into the ocean. Hence the "release" part of the movie. We figure putting Freddie back on the Cape and on a boat gives Jessica Biel plenty of time to be in a bikini and eventually find out her true love is a jerkass blogger located in southern NH.
Diehard: The Fan - Bruce Willis reprises his role as John McClane. The movie opens with McClane slumped over his tattered recliner in his living room and once the camera pans towards the front of him we see a Mets hat and jersey. McClane is not happy, his Mets are cellar-dwellers again, and he's determined to get revenge. Our hero goes on a tear, charges into Omar Minaya's office (he's a cop, he can do that) only to find out that Omar is dead and the Mets are being run by terrorists. 2 hours and 18 explosions later, the Mets still suck.
Rookie of the Fear - This will be the first movie in what expects to be dozens of baseball/horror movies coming out in the next year. Henry Rowengardner breaks his arm but then a bone chips off and clogs some artery in his arm or something and he dies. Rather than die easy, he haunts the Cubs (as if they needed more help) by living in the ivy and continues to haunt Cubs fans until they stop throwing stuff at visiting outfielders. Steve Bartman also has a small role in the movie as a baseball.
And some quickies...
The Unnatural – Roy Hobbs. On steroids. Except the only person who knows he’s juicing is his coach. Who’s also his supplier. All goes to hell when the league does an investigation and releases the Hobbs Report.
Little Big Horn League – First war/ baseball movie ever. You thought getting on base was tough, try getting to second base with a bunch of raging Indians in your way. John Kruk plays General Custer.
The Sandy Lot - a group of kids who play pick up baseball while parking cars at a beach down the Cape.
Field of Wet Dreams - Its like field of dreams but with WAAAAY more nudity. If you build it, they will "come." (Thanks to Cheese-reader Steve K. for this suggestion)
Damn Yankees - a documentary of Steve and I watching a Sox/Yanks game and swearing for 3.5 hours straight.
There's Something About Larry- Along the lines of "There's something About Mary", except that its a documentary about Larry Bird co-starring Jessica Biel who plays a reformed stripper/model/hot chick who eventually finds out that her true love is a jerkass blogger located in southern NH.
Back to the Ventura - Robin Ventura makes a time machine out of one of the old bullpen cars then travels back in time to prevent the 2009 Red Sox from ever signing John Smoltz. Feel good movie of the year.
Hell's Angels in the Outfield - Tony Danza tries playing baseball but gets violently beaten by an unruly motorcycle gang. (Thanks to Cheese-reader Steve K. for this suggestion)
Good News Bears - A baseball team that preaches the followings of the Lord. Billy Bob Thorton makes a cameo as the devil.
Dirty Work - Starring Dustin Pedroia and Norm MacDonald. Norm does his normal thing while Dustin just slides around everywhere getting dirty and yelling at people.
(we'll be adding more Hollywood ideas as we go along, so be sure to stay updated by clicking Henry's face on the right side bar. And if you're a Hollywood producer looking to turn our ideas into a real movie, you probably shouldn't be a Hollywood producer.)
And why the hell can't the Rangers or Yankees lose? If you're still looking at the AL East, well then sir/madam you are a better person than I, or at least have done a lot more mind altering drugs in the last 2 months, but that Wild Card thing needs to happen and the Rangers are constantly giving out beatings to every team that crosses their paths. I don't know what happened to my vow to not watch baseball for a while.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
As we head down the stretch run of MLB's pennant/ wild card race, we will inevitably be subjected to overwhelming criticism of the local nine. Media folk, the jerk co-worker by the water cooler, that strange in-law at a family BBQ who's name you completely forgot. Bill? Harry? Enrique? the hell is that guy's name? Everybody has an opinion on the Sox, and they will share it with you whether you like it or not, likely full of obvious nuggets of absurdity. Sox aren't lighting things on fire and threaten to cough up the lead to those dipsh*ts in Texas? SCREW THOSE GUYS!!! Lester throws a gem? HEY, THE SOX GOT A CHANCE AGAINST ANYBODY!!! Fairweatherness: the cornerstone of New England sports fandom. Night in, night out, I assure you, this is how the next 4-8 weeks of baseball will go. But I'm not telling you anything new. This is the same sh*t people do every year. Its what makes it fun for us fans: blind speculation and mindless armchair analysis.
Anyways, I can only take so much scrutiny this year. The economy is down, football doesn't arrive until Monday, and cold weather is peaking its head into September. I need something positive. Something uplifting. Some perspective. So I can't think of anybody better to deliver good news than former Celtics coach, and recently deemed sleazeball, Mr. Rick Pitino. Rick, the floor is yours...
Rick: "Thanks, Steve. Hello all, nice to be back here in Boston."
Media guy#1: "Mr.Pitino, the Sox are rolling into September in a state of mediocrity. Whats your take?"
Rick: "Hey, anonymous media guy, Roger Clemens is not walking through that door. Ellis Burks is not walking through that door. Darren Bragg is not walking through that door. And if you expect them to walk through that door, they're going to be gray and old."
Media guy #1: "Darren Bragg?"
Rick: "Yeah, Darren friggin' Bragg. You want to fight me?"
Media guy #2: "Coach, the Sox starting rotation appears to flounder against seemingly inferior opponents, especially Josh Beckett. Can we expect this to continue into October?"
Rick: "You know what... all the negativity in this town, it sucks!!! It just plain sucks."
Media guy #3: "Rick, you're a college basketball coach.... from Louisville. What in the world are you doing here in Boston answering questions about baseball?"
Rick: "I think I'm the pawn in a dead-end Educated Cheese post."
The Slalom: Line up a dozen or so guys behind the plate and once the guy who hit the jack gets there, he can rip through those guys like Bode Miller. Then get drunk, just like Bode Miller.
Leapfrog: Maybe 5 or 6 at the most, we don't want to anger anyone.
Any more ideas? Leave em in the comments.
Also, the duplicity of the title comes to life because the Sox were hitting bombs like it was Yankee Stadium last night. A total beat down of the O's in a game where Ortiz AND Drew go bridge in the same game. Wow. At this point I expect A-Gon to go yard (which he did) more than Ortiz. That's right David, that right there is motivation. Prove me wrong, Papi.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I guess my whole "getting your ass kicked one night and bringing the pain the next" was just a little too much to ask. Speaking of two much to ask, Steve and I constantly berate JD Drew via emails, phone messages and primitive Mayan drawings (aka Sox Toons using MS paint) but I think it's time we move on to Ortiz. He had that week in August with a Papi-like 5 HRs and more RBIs than we could all count (13) but since then it's been back to the 09 version of Ortiz we all don't really know. This is the call-out. Senor Ortiz, it's time to step it up. I'm not asking for an 06 swat fest, I'm not even asking for some kind of amazing comeback to what we call "Papi-form", I'm just looking for getting that average up around the .240 mark and delivering a hit or two when needed. If our Drew lashings have taught us anything, THIS will work. Expect big things people.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
“Ok, Wake, I think we go with another knuckleball here. A-Rod will never suspect it.”
“Whaddya think for dinner? Italian or Japanese? Theres that new joint in Downtown Crossing.”
“Food, Tek. This game is over.”
“Its bases loaded in the 5th and we’re up by 1, that’s why I came out to the mound. This game is far from over.”